5 Lessons You Must Learn From Your Bad Relationships, If You Want to Move On

BY: - 7 Apr '17 | Relationships

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“You know, looking back, I’m so glad he broke up with me!” she exclaimed. It was our last session, and my client was reflecting over everything she’d learned in just a few weeks of working together. She’d gone from no dates in 5 years, to 3 dates in one month!

The biggest secret to her dating success was that she’d discovered how to learn the lessons from her past relationships. “The most powerful thing you showed me how to do was to let go of the unresolved pain I had from the past,” she said. “I was carrying this burden around for 14 years! I feel like a different person now.”

I want you to be set free from the guilt, shame, anger or disappointment you may be carrying from your past by sharing with you 5 lessons you can learn from your bad relationships. Through these 5 lessons, you’ll understand that you didn’t waste your time: you learned something!

Lesson #1: You were attracted to the wrong person

If you’re really honest with yourself, you’ll discover that your ex wasn’t all that great. You may have fallen in love with his personality. Or, maybe there was off the charts attraction. But when you take a deeper look, you’ll discover that he was emotionally distant or just completely incompatible with you. His character flaws led to your breakup and if you accept this truth, you’ll see that he just wasn’t the right person for you.

Lesson #2: Passion isn’t enough to overcome problems

Your past should show you that you need more than passion to overcome problems in a relationship. You need skills that will help you communicate effectively, connect emotionally, and create everlasting love.  If you look back over your history with men, you’ll discover the areas where you need to grow so that you can be ready for love.

Lesson #3: You can spot “red flags” faster

When you look at your past relationships, what patterns show up for you? Did all of your exes come on strong and then become distant? Did you notice they all had anger problems or were irresponsible with their lives? Were you attracted to them because they looked successful, drove nice cars, and had swag for days, but you soon discovered they were selfish, jealous and judgmental?

Write down the answers to these questions, because when you connect the dots, you’ll be able to identify red flags that can predict future heartbreak. When you meet someone new who has these same behaviors, you’ll know you should run!

Lesson #4: You now know what you need to be happy

Take stock of what was missing in your last relationships:

  • Did your ex refuse to travel with you?
  • Were you the one who always supported him, and he never showed up for you?
  • Did he try to change you through criticism and anger?

Based on the above questions, you need to have someone who is adventurous, supportive and accepting of who you are, flaws and all. Write these things down on your must-have list and do not settle for less.

There’s wisdom in your wounds!

Lesson #5:  You deserve to be loved

This lesson may seem surprising since your relationship failed and it left you feeling unloved. But if you lean into the pain, you’ll discover a truth that Brene Brown shared in her book, Rising Strong: “Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.” Your bad relationship should help you celebrate the fact that you had the ability to give love. Moving forward, you should realize that you deserve to receive love, too.

There’s wisdom in your wounds! If you can get another perspective on your bad relationships, you can have peace with your past. Release the hurt and disappointment and move forward with your head held high! Your future love is waiting for you.

BMWK, what lessons have you learned from your pat relationships? Post your comments below!

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 154 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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5 Signs that You Are Losing Yourself While Loving Your Man

BY: - 7 Apr '17 | Marriage

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I wouldn’t call myself a hopeless romantic, but I surely believe in true love. I believe there is someone out there for everyone, and that when you meet the right person it has the potential to last a lifetime.

What I don’t believe in is loving someone so much you start to lose sight of who you are or who you want to be. I think that’s crap. You shouldn’t ever lose yourself in the name of love. It’s a toxic and dangerous path.

Love should be based on awareness and acceptance. This doesn’t mean you are perfect, but it means that your partner is aware of who you are and has made a decision to love and accept you as you are. That’s what real love is.

But when you start losing yourself and you insist you are just loving on your man, you are truly misguided.

Have you ever seen the movie, Jerry McGuire?

I’ve seen it a few times. It’s a good film. But I hate that infamous line, “you complete me.” Umm… excuse me sir, but I was complete when we met. I don’t need to be completed. I’ll take some love, acceptance, and respect instead… thank you very much.

If you are in a relationship with someone you care for and you are wondering if you are losing sight of who you are, here are a few signs to look out for.

  1. You have stopped hanging with all your friends because you want to spend all your free time with your man. I think spending time with your man is important. Life is busy and it’s so easy to put the things that matter on the back burner. But please don’t become that woman who neglects all of her friendships because she has a man now. That is whack. Sure, you may not be able to hang as much as you did when you were single, but nourishing true friendships is something you always need to make time for. Your real friends help you stay in touch with who you really are.
  2. You always go along with whatever he wants to do so you can keep the peace. If you have to do what he wants to do just to keep the peace, that’s a problem. Sure, relationships involve lots of compromising, but compromising is different than consistently neglecting your desires just to keep someone else happy. What about your happiness?
  3. You’ve put all your dreams aside because he’s convinced you that his matter more. Your dreams matter. They should always matter to you and they should certainly matter to anyone who loves you. Even if your man doesn’t understand your dream or vision, he should definitely support it and care about your desire to pursue it. If you neglect your dreams for your man, you lose a part of yourself.
  4. You never speak up about your wants and needs. You have to be able to articulate what you want and need from your man.  And when you don’t, it’s like declaring that your needs don’t matter. But they do. You have to believe that. If you think your man’s needs and wants matter more than yours, you are misguided and need to get back to loving yourself.
  5. You are constantly seeking his approval. If you are in a grown relationship, you really should not be walking around seeking approval. If you are, you’ve completely lost sight of what makes you worthy of love and happiness. When you gain clarity about who you are and what you bring to the table, you don’t walk around seeking approval because you approve of yourself.

BMWK ladies, have your ever felt like you are losing yourself in the name of love?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 494 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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