7 Steps to Forgiving Your Ex And Moving on with Your Life

BY: - 3 Apr '17 | Relationships

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Have you ever thought that you had forgiven someone and moved on with your life until something happens and instantly you are transported back to that particular moment in time that you thought you had forgotten?

Recently while gaining closure with an ex, that very thing happened to me. I wasn’t emotionally transported. But mentally, I went back to that very space and time.

Surprisingly, I had more clarity than I did when everything hit the fan. I was able to methodically categorize the events and ascertain each segment of the problem. This new found clarity helped me identify the overall issue I had with the relationship, such as the right expectations on the wrong person.

Also, it helped me to realize that I would never gain the apology I deserved for the pain he caused, which helped me to gain the closure I needed. These revelations, as disappointing as they were, enabled me to face the harsh truth and let it go. In the end, I was able to leave the toxicity of the relationship behind and move forward with my life.

While going through this situation, I learned seven ways to deal with the problem for good and move forward with my life. And I would like to share them with you below:

7 Steps to Forgiving…

First, identify the real problem. What is really bothering you? Is it the way your ex treated you, hurt you, or never apologized, etc. What is the real problem? Is the problem really your ex or a compound of problems from your childhood, your life, etc.? Identify the real culprit behind your pain.

Second, after identifying the problem, ascertain the parts each of you played in the relationship. In doing so, you will begin to take responsibility for your actions; which can be hard because we don’t think we’ve done anything wrong. But somewhere within the relationship, we messed up too. Take ownership of your part and if necessary apologize to your ex.

Third, after you have identified the problem, forgive yourself for the part you played in the challenges you both faced in the relationship.

Fourth, forgive your ex. Holding on to unforgiveness and what he/she did or did not do is a waste of time and emotional space. Choose to forgive them so that you can freely move on with your life. Forgiveness can be difficult.  I needed help with my forgiveness process, so I prayed and asked God to help me forgive. And with His help, I was able to truly forgive and let go of my expectations, my desires, and my pain.; to begin the healing that I needed.  I also prayed for my ex that he would receive the healing he needs.  Forgiveness can be challenging, but through prayer and God’s help, it can be much easier.

Fifth, let go of any and all expectations of your ex. You may never receive the apology or vindication you desire. Be willing to accept that harsh fact and let it go!

Six, what did you learn from the relationship? We can learn from every encounter in life. What did you learn from your relationship? What new things did you discover about yourself or your interaction with others? What are some key takeaways you can glean from your experience?

Seven, what you focus on grows. For so long I focused on the negative part of the relationship. But once I chose to forgive and focus on the good aspects of the relationship, I was able to be grateful for our time together. What are some good memories you can take from your relationship? The time spent with your ex wasn’t all bad. What are some good times you can appreciate from your time together?

No matter the experience good or bad, we can learn lessons from every life challenge we encounter. If applicable, choose to implement these steps in an effort to free yourself from the pain of your past so that you can be free to enjoy your new relationships. Once you change the narrative from negative to positive, you will begin to feel the freedom you desire regarding this situation.

Your relational freedom is awaiting you. It may take a few steps on your part to walk in the freedom you desire, but once you make the necessary changes, you will receive the peace you want and need.

BMWK, how do you forgive and move on from your ex?

About the author

Judi Mason wrote 59 articles on this blog.

Judi Mason is an Empowerment Strategist, whose mission is to empower You to become your best authentic self. As an accomplished author, Judi has garnered much success with her self-help books and workshops; including her popular Girl Talk: Relationship 101 events- which was birthed from her best-selling book, The Relationship Chronicles- Real Love, Straight Talk No Drama. As a sought after speaker, Judi uses multiple platforms from the marketplace to ministry; to enable individuals to pursue and fulfill their God ordained purpose with passion, in life, love and entrepreneurship.

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5 Surprising Ways to See Your Spouse in a New Light

BY: - 4 Apr '17 | Marriage

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Who are you married to? Now think carefully about this one before you answer. If your initial thought was to say something negative like, “I am married to a lazy, good for nothing man!” we need to talk.

I’ve seen couples struggle with being able to see the good in their spouse, especially after experiencing marriage’s ups and downs. I understand it’s difficult to be positive when you just aren’t feeling or understanding your spouse at the moment, but I’m here to help.

There are some truths couples forget to consider when they begin judging, labeling and discounting their spouse.

This is a real grown-up conversation for couples ready to be happy again.

As a relationship coach, I’m always rooting for your marriage to win and this is why this topic means so much to me. This is a real grown-up conversation for couples ready to be happy again.

Here are the 5 ways to see your spouse in a new light.

First, change your mindset.

It’s important to get out of your own head for a second. When you put some energy into thinking solely about your spouse and their needs it shifts your perspective. Maybe your spouse needs attention, or praise, or intimacy. It’s okay that you don’t need those things, you’re two different people. But, it’s important to understand who your spouse is and what matters most to them.

Next, change your circle if it isn’t supporting your relationship.

Change who you talk to and what you say. If you have someone in your life who’s quick to point out the negatives in your marriage and in your spouse, remove them from your core circle. They mean you no earthly good. Oftentimes your friends can influence how you see your spouse (good or bad). So why not associate with people that are going to speak life into your marriage and lift your spouse up.

Follow that up by seeking professional resources.

I say it pretty often, but it bears repeating, there are so many options when your marriage needs that extra guidance. You don’t know what you don’t know and it’s okay to seek help. A relationship coach or counselor is equipped and prepared to help you and your spouse overcome your marriage challenge. In addition, there are books, videos and marriage ministries that will help you
get a different perspective or philosophy on marriage.

Next, walk in your spouse’s shoes.

You know your spouse’s story. Think about how their childhood or even their current job may be impacting their behavior. There are legit reasons why your spouse acts and reacts as they do. It’s important to understand where their actions stem from and why they need what they need. Even if it makes no sense to you, they are who they are. Remember not everyone handles stress and disappointment the same way.

Lastly, change your own actions.

You can make this happen by taking some ownership. Think about what it’s like to be married to you. It helps when you are really honest with yourself. Are you hard to please? Are you giving? Are you selfish? Would you enjoy being married to you? Would you act like it 100% of the time? Is your home a safe space to be vulnerable? Think about the environment you are creating for your spouse. Is it happy and peaceful or filled with drama and stress? Keep in mind any answers you give that you don’t like, you can change. Think about what you’re going to do with what you now know and take action.

Your marriage deserves every ounce of energy and effort you have to invest into it, don’t forget that. A great way to start getting back to your happy place is by stepping from behind your tinted lenses and being able to see your spouse in a new light. Give it a try.

BMWK, in what other ways can you begin seeing your spouse in a new light?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 622 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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