Step It Up Husbands: 5 Very Real Reasons She Doesn’t Follow Your Lead

BY: - 5 Apr '17 | Marriage

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“You can’t expect a woman to keep following you if you’re leading her nowhere!” I posted that message on my Facebook page last week and the sharing and liking began immediately. A part of me thought, “Wow this must have hit home with a lot of people.” But then, the coach in me started wanting to dig a little deeper.

Is there more to the story?

Maybe we need to clarify where the “nowhere” I am referring to is. Too often, when it comes to our marriages, we get so comfortable with just existing in them that we stop moving forward and we become too passive.

So, let me talk to my fellas for a minute about the areas where we need to be more conscious….

You’re not leading towards growth and ambition

A big part of security for a woman is knowing that her man has ambition, vision, a plan, and the work ethic to execute on all of it. If your actions consistently tell a woman that she can’t count on you or that you are a slacker, you can’t expect her to want to follow you. It’s not that she isn’t loyal or supportive but maybe it’s just that she wants to know that you are growing and the relationship is growing so that she can envision a family growing. A woman will move mountains for a man she knows is committed to her and who she knows has a plan.

You’re not leading the family past the struggle

While a woman will support you through the struggle, she doesn’t want to always be in the struggle. You can’t keep expecting her to follow your lead if your lead keeps headed towards being broke, stressed out, or dysfunctional. If you’re struggling in a season then get through that season. But she must feel confident that you won’t allow staying in those seasons. If you keep TALKING about what you are going to do but never follow through then eventually she will start to create her own path to survival.

You’re not leading with the kids and family

You keep saying you want to be a part of the family and the kids’ lives yet you aren’t consistent and never take any initiative. You can’t get mad at her if she stops including you if you never follow through. You must SHOW UP if you truly want to be a leader in the relationship. It doesn’t work wanting to be the “BOSS” but not wanting to do boss things.

You’re not leading her anywhere spiritually

If she is the backbone of your spiritual life or the only one putting forth spiritual effort then you can’t get upset with her if she does spiritual things without you. If she goes to church without you, prays without you, or participates in church events without you maybe it’s not that she doesn’t want to include you, maybe it’s because you show no interest.

You’re not leading in the romance department

If you continue to be BORING and take no initiative in the romance department don’t expect her to keep following you to and in the bedroom! Take that lead bro! Plan something special, do something spontaneous, and lead her to down that path of mental and physical stimulation.

Okay fellas this article wasn’t meant to be a beat up session on men but it was meant for us to step back and check ourselves. Often times, we want to be the leaders in the relationship but we aren’t doing what true leaders do. Start by taking initiative and leading by example instead of just talking without delivering. Truth is…she finds the leader in you sexy and it makes her feel secure so give her what she’s looking for!

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 225 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!


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Why Fighting For My Marriage is the Best Thing I’ve Ever Done

BY: - 6 Apr '17 | Marriage

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A few years ago, Don and I were at a crossroad in our marriage and we had to decide if we were going to remain married even though we didn’t like each other. It was not easy to live with this question hanging over my head nor was it pretty. The realization that we did not like each other was painful, but we had no idea how to break from it.

One day, we decided to have a conversation about this heavy issue. This conversation was stressful to have, however, it was extremely necessary. Between alcoholism and an emotional affair, we were a mess.

After sitting in our bedroom for what seemed like hours, we decided that we would remain married for our kids’ sake and treat our marriage like a business partnership. To us, it was the logical thing to do. After all, we still had elementary school-aged kids and I was a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom. We were both very active in our church and we didn’t want people to know our business.

The turning point for us was when my younger brother found out his wife had an affair. He drove to our house from Atlanta with his two little girls in the back. The look on his face and the way he broke down in my arms when I opened the door to them was heartbreaking. I was devastated.

It was important for us to not only stay together but to like each other too.

We stayed up with him all night. We ate, talked and cried until the sun came up. Don took off from work to spend the day with my brother. When they finally returned, he told me we needed to talk. He told me how emotionally draining this was for my brother and how he did not want to experience that. We hugged, prayed and cried in the middle of our bedroom.

We made a list of all the good things we had together and why it was important for us to not only stay together but to like each other too. We talked about the drinking. We talked about the emotional affair and the ‘why’ behind it. We talked about me withholding sex. We talked about his anger issues. We talked about our future. We cried some more. We made love. That day, we vowed to fight for our marriage.

We had quite a few questions to answer before we moved on, though:

  • If we remained married, what did we want our marriage to look like?
  • Did we want to put in the necessary work to ensure our marriage was pleasurable for the both of us, no matter what that work looked like?
  • What sacrifices and changes did I need to make?
  • What changes and sacrifices did he need to make?
  • Did we want to go to counseling together, individually or both?

These were not easy conversations. We had to revisit some subjects rather frequently. Others we had to agree to come back to in a week or two. It was a serious emotional and spiritual journey because change is difficult, especially when you are 13 years in it. We had to dig deep and put in the work, even when we did not want to.

We had to dig deep and put in the work, even when we did not want to.

Fighting for a marriage after your friends have heard you complain about your spouse for years is tough. I decided to attend my own counseling sessions and gradually changed my circle of friends.

I struggled a lot because I complained about Don for so many years. When I got around certain friends, complaints seemed to just roll out my mouth without me thinking about it. I had one friend that I asked to check me when I started going in that direction. You know, she took that role very seriously too. I had to get clear with a few folks, including my mother, that they were not allowed to say negative things about my husband anymore.

Trust and believe, I had an internal battle and had to really pray to change the way I spoke to my husband. I was rude, abrasive and downright, disrespectful. I had to even dig deep to understand my husband’s sexual needs. For years, I downplayed the importance of sex and told him I was not his sex object. Finally, I came to the realization that it is a form of intimacy that goes deeper than talking.

If you are at a crossroad right now, I request that you ask yourself if your marriage is as bad as you perceive it to be. Most likely it’s not. I pray that you begin the journey of fighting for your marriage, even if you don’t want to. It was the best decision I could have made for not only me but for my husband and my children too.

BMWK – If you’ve ever fought for your marriage, let us know why and what impact it had your marriage and family.

About the author

Tanya Barnett wrote 15 articles on this blog.

Tanya Barnett is a relationship strategist, speaker and the “Real” Wife Coach. She is the author of Being a Wife Just Got Real: Things I Wish I Knew, Before I Said, I Do”. She founded the Real Wife Movement™, where she equips single and married women with tools to create strong marriages and families. She is also the founder of Forever Free Books, a mobile literacy nonprofit, which delivers free books and story time to low income children in their neighborhoods and communities. She is a marathoner, triathlete and a serious book lover. She and her husband, Don, have 3 awesome kids.


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