What Kind of Mentality Should I Look for in My Future Spouse?

BY: - 18 Apr '17 | Relationships

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

My guy friend often tells me that he is for me and has my back. Usually I am a good read of character, but for some reason I cannot figure him out. He acts a little self-centered at times so I am not sure that he is ready to be in a committed relationship. I say this because he likes to do things for and by himself.

However, he is smart, has great qualities and a very positive vibe. I really like him, but I cannot get a good read on his mentality. I do not want to end up in a relationship with a man who is more into himself than me and our relationship. What Kind of Mentality Should I Look for in My Future Spouse?

Ms. Mind Reader


Dear Ms. Mind Reader,

I am glad that you asked this very important question. Unfortunately, a large percentage of women do not spend time trying to figure out a man’s mentality. In my opinion this is very sad because a man’s way of thinking influences emotional disposition and overall behavior.

Nevertheless, when selecting a mate or partner always look for an individual with a teamwork mentality. There are a lot of other important mindsets as well, but you definitely do not want to bond with an individual who places I in team.

You can determine if a man is right for you by paying attention to whether or not he supports what you want for yourself. I believe that one of the most telling factors in a relationship is whether or not each partner feels supported.

Because we are unique individuals, it is impossible to always be on on the same page. For example, what I want for myself might differ from what my spouse wants. However, I let my wife know that I support what she wants by listening to her and offering suggestions that will meet her needs.

The ability to see beyond one’s own needs is the key to creating a balanced and healthy relationship that is filled with support and admiration.

There is a saying, “That Team Work makes the Dream Work”. We all dream about making our relationships last forever.  And achieving this dream can only be accomplished by working together. A man who possesses a teamwork mentality will use his individual skills to elevate his life, his spouse and his relationship.

Continue to look beyond the surface as you search for your lifetime partner because what is easy on your eyes may not be easy on your heart. Good luck!

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 219 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.


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4 Toxic Thoughts that Men Need to Stop Having in Their Relationships…NOW!

BY: - 20 Apr '17 | Marriage

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You might be familiar with the famous quote “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” Well just like in life, the same thing applies to your relationships: especially the part about your thoughts becoming your words and your words becoming your actions.

This concept applies to both men and women, but this one is for the fellas…Because depending on whom we have hanging around or what is consistently being fed to us, we can begin having toxic thoughts that cause big issues in our relationships.

Here are a few thoughts that we, men, need to stop having if we want to keep our relationships healthy.

1. “What she won’t do another woman will”

This is one of those saying we consistently hear and it’s crossed every man’s mind once or twice. It’s something that causes us to focus on the shortcomings of our woman and ignore all the positive things she may do for us.

It’s one of those thoughts that begin to justify us seeking a certain type of attention from another woman…instead of working through whatever the real issue is at home. Instead of thinking that you must find what’s missing in another woman, work on communicating your needs more with the woman you are with and then find a compromise.

2. “My woman is always nagging me”

Hey look, I’m not saying that some women might not be serial naggers.  But in my experience, most times when a woman is “nagging” it’s just a cry for help or attention. If you allow yourself to think every time she asks for something from you that she is nagging, you will begin to feel resentful towards her and even annoyed by her.

Instead of allowing the toxic thought to dominate your mind, ask yourself what is she asking for and then ask yourself how you can help. Maybe, just maybe, some of the “nagging” will stop!

3. “I wish I was single again”

Be careful with this thought and be careful what you ask for. The longing for the single life reminds of us the opportunity to have less responsibility and the freedom to pursue more women. I get it…but the more you think about it…the more you will start to behave in more of a single manner and that won’t work out well for anyone.

Maybe you start flirting a little more, start trying to find that freedom a little more, but you can’t escape the reality that you are in a relationship or marriage and you have to shift your thinking to finding the benefits in that.

4. “I wish she did…..like my ex or my mom”

Comparison is and will always be the silent killer to progress to your relationship. You can’t expect your wife or woman to do the all the same things for you in the manner that your ex did. You also can’t compare things like her cooking or nurturing to that of your mother.

The woman you love is a different woman than your ex and her role of wife is not the role of your mother. The more you compare, the less likely you are to be happy about who she is and what she brings to the table. You are with her for a reason so embrace those things that you love about her, who she is and how she does things!

There is so much negativity out there about relationships, marriage, and women in general so we have to do a good job of controlling what we allow into our minds. We also have to watch who we allow into our space and associate with because we know that certain types of people can put toxic thoughts in our head. The subconscious is so powerful and I would hate for any of those toxic thoughts to then become toxic actions. Fellas, don’t allow toxic thoughts to be toxic to your relationship!

BMWK Fam- What other types of thoughts can be toxic to a relationship?

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 225 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!


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