6 Signs You Just Don’t Like Your Spouse Anymore

BY: - 5 May '17 | Marriage

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I’m still processing the fact that Barack and Michelle Obama are no longer in the White House. I miss them. I am sure you do as well. And my disappointment isn’t just about missing President Obama’s leadership (although I do), but it is about what I experienced by watching their lives as a couple. It’s about seeing a beautiful display of Black love in the public eye. We needed to see that as a community. The world needed to see that. I needed to see it.

Through their eight years in the White House, I watched many interviews where they answered questions about politics, marriage, parenting, and so much more. One interview that still sticks out for me is an interview with Michelle Obama where she was asked about the secret to their strong marriage. She simply said, “I really like him…. I like being with him.”

That simple answer spoke volumes.

It made me smile because I thought about my marriage and was so grateful that I was (and am still) able to say that I like my husband. He makes me laugh, and I truly enjoy spending time with him. But then I thought about all the people trying to navigate relationships that may have been founded on genuine love and like, but with time have diminished into relationships where the ability to like one another has faded.

I believe in love. But I also believe that liking your partner is even more important than loving him.

Think about people in your family that you love because—well, because they are family. Now, think about all the characteristics they possess that cause you to not like them very much. Sure, if trouble arises you are there to offer love and support, but the idea of waking up in the same house with them daily makes your head hurt.

Imagine feeling that way about your spouse. Imagine waking up next to someone daily that you truly love but you’ve grown to dislike. It can be painful for sure. Spending a lifetime with anyone shouldn’t be based only on love—it should also be based on liking that person.

So how do you know if you just don’t like your spouse that much anymore? Here are a few signs as well as what you can do to turn things around.

You enjoy spending time with a list of other people much more than spending time with him.

 When you first fell in love, you probably enjoyed being with your spouse. But now, several years in, you start to realize that being with him just doesn’t feel the same and you’d rather hang with your friends or go to happy hour after work than spend time with your mate.

You get annoyed every time she makes a suggestion about almost anything. At one point you welcomed her ideas—maybe you even liked most of them. But now, she makes the smallest suggestion and you want her to shut-up because you feel annoyed. And she’s not even really being annoying; it’s just that she annoys you.

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Sex starts to feel like an obligation instead of something you truly enjoy.

A once enjoyable and very intimate act now just feels like something you do because you should, not because you want to. And the sex isn’t even bad, but the connection you once experienced isn’t there anymore.

He’s no longer the first person you run to when it’s time to share good or bad news.

One of the best things about being married is having someone to share good and bad things with. When that desire fades, you know things are just not what they should be. Something is wrong.         

You genuinely feel happy when she’s not around for a long period of time.

I’ll be the first to admit that the occasional night alone feels nice. I am a bit of an introvert and gather my energy from spending time alone. But despite that fact, I love being around my husband. When your spouse’s long business trips start to feel like a relief, it’s a definite sign that things aren’t right.

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When you do things together that you once enjoyed, you just don’t have fun anymore.

The cornerstone of a happy marriage is the ability to have fun together. When that starts to diminish and eventually disappears, you can’t ignore that something is off. You should have fun with the person you chose to spend a lifetime with.

What has changed?

Love is deeply important, but it’s not enough to sustain a healthy, long-term relationship. You need like and love for that to happen. When you start to feel like you no longer like your spouse, you have to ask yourself what has changed. Did your spouse do something? Have you changed? Why is your time with him no longer enjoyable? Have you faced problems as a couple in recent years? Is there something you need that you aren’t getting?

Once you get to the root of the problem, you can begin the process of changing things and healing. Through therapy or counseling, you can begin to find out why you no longer like the one you dedicated your life to, and you can take steps to implement small changes that will lead you back to loving and liking the one you chose to spend your life with.

Sure, being open and honest with one another may be all you need, but don’t shy away from getting help. It’s not easy to restore what you once had and you may need help doing so.

BMWK family, what do you do if you feel like you no longer like your spouse?

About the author

Martine Foreman wrote 494 articles on this blog.

Martine Foreman is a speaker, writer, lifestyle consultant, and ACE-certified Health Coach who specializes in helping moms who want more out of life but feel overwhelmed and confused. Through her content and services, Martine is committed to helping women embrace their personal truth, gain clarity, and take action to create healthier, happier lives. For more on Martine's candid views on life and love, visit her at candidbelle.com. To work with her, visit her at martineforeman.com. Martine resides in Maryland with her husband, two kids and sassy cat Pepper.

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The Day I Became My Wife’s Partner Instead of Her Helper

BY: - 10 May '17 | Marriage

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I can remember really early in my transition to becoming a parent (I say early like it’s been a long time…but my little girl is only a year and half) I truly didn’t know what I was doing. It’s not that I was lazy or anything, but I think some fear of not doing things right caused me to be very passive in helping to tend to my daughter.

I depended on my wife to initiate most things. Now, I look back and laugh because it’s not like she wasn’t a first-time parent too. But I guess I figured she just had woman-like magical powers to know what to do. Anyway, I realized that she was still exhausted with the baby even though I was there to help. Then I realized that just “helping” was the problem and it wasn’t good enough…I needed to become a partner!

I realized that just “helping” was the problem and it wasn’t good enough…I needed to become a partner!

So what’s the difference you may ask? Well, I think of it in terms of business relationships. It’s almost like the difference between someone who is a part owner and someone who is just an employee or part time help. Here are some key differences.

A partner is proactive!

Helpers might do well at taking orders or suggestions and they might do just enough to get the job done.  But true partners are proactive about finding the gaps and problems and finding solutions. “Oh, mom is overwhelmed with the baby tonight so let me step in and take care of bath time or let me step in handle drop off and pick up from practice.” The partner mentality is trying to increase productivity and minimize stress instead of just taking orders.

Partners don’t babysit their own kids!

Just like when you’re a partner in a business you don’t just work at the business, you work ON the business. Well the same thing holds true in parenting; if you’re a partner you don’t just “babysit” your child for a few hours at a time or until “the boss comes back,” instead you’re always parenting when the boss (mom) is in or not.

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A partner is fully vested

In business, if you’re a partner you’ve probably invested some money into the business.  And as a parent, you’ve invested the very best parts of you into your child as well…talk about being fully vested! This means you have to be vested in everything from schoolwork, to activities, to nurturing and discipline. You are vested because you know the outcomes depend heavily on your input and decision making.

A partner learns multiple roles and wears many hats

When you’re an entrepreneur, often times you play multiple roles: marketing, sales, IT, and HR. Even though your strength might be marketing, you learn other roles so that the business can survive. The same holds true in parenting. You have to learn how to be a cook, carpooler, shopper, custodian, and a hair stylist (I’m not doing very well in this skill by the way). You might not be great at all of them, but you need to be at least competent to keep things running smoothly.

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A partner is consistent

When you’re vested in a business one thing is for sure is that you’re always showing up. You come in early, leave late, and make meeting and appointments because you know the business depends on it. Well with parenting showing up consistently is vital as well. Not only is it to help your partner but your child notices when you don’t show up and too much not showing up hurts them more than you know.

A partner picks up the slack

When your business partner is having a bad go at it or a bad season, you can’t just argue about it and hope it gets better. The business is depending on you and you may have to pick up some of the slack. Likewise, if you are parenting and your spouse gets sick or is going through something, the show doesn’t stop because she’s sick.  So, pick up the slack like a true partner does!

Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes, I fall back into helper mode instead of partner mode.  But now, I’m way more conscious than I was and I take way more initiative than I used to. I think I’ve graduated from helper status to partner status (I just hope my wife agrees…) I hope that after reading this you may even go for your partner degree as well!

About the author

Troy Spry wrote 225 articles on this blog.

Troy Spry a Certified Life, Dating, and Relationship Coach and the one and only "Reality Expert", resides in Charlotte, NC. He created his blog, Xklusive Thoughts, with the intent of putting out a very realistic perspective and using it as a vehicle for inspiration! He hopes to challenge people to think differently and inspire people to do and be better in relationships and in life!

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