5 Signs Your Marriage Needs Help (And How to Get It)  

BY: - 23 Jun '17 | Communication

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Ever felt like something in your marriage was a little off? Maybe you and your partner just weren’t connecting the way you should and you knew you both could do so much better. Well, the truth is, you can. The very first step toward doing better is recognizing something is wrong. When couples aren’t on the same page it sometimes has a lot to do with communication.

Pinpointing the challenges that relate to communication can be difficult for some couples. Usually, at least one partner struggles with recognizing that their style of communication may be ineffective for their partner. Even though a couple may disagree about a number of things, it most often leads back to how they talk to one another.

If you’re wondering if your marriage needs better communication here are 5 signs that let you know for sure and what you can do about it.

1. If nothing seems to ever get resolved with your disagreements.

A couple who continues to argue about the same things without a resolution in sight definitely needs better communication. It often means someone isn’t listening or someone isn’t expressing themselves clearly.

You can improve by setting rules of engagement with your partner. Prior to having a heart to heart with your spouse, determine what goes and what doesn’t. A few examples include promising to listen without interrupting or being solution focused instead of finger pointing. Establishing communication rules will help to keep both partners on track.

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2. If you’re not talking as much as you used to.

Couples need to communicate. There is just too much that happens in life and within a relationship that needs to be discussed. How you feel, what you need and why must be shared with your partner. A couple whose marriage has gone silent will need to figure out why, because silence is no good for a marriage. How will you know where your partner is mentally if you aren’t talking like you used to?

You can improve in this area by starting small and then building back up to how you used to communicate. Asking how your spouse’s day was or what made them smile that day is a good beginning.

3. If the opposite of what’s being said is being done.

If you or your spouse are saying one thing and doing something different, there is possibly a disconnect in your communication. One thing we all have that people come to trust is our word. When it isn’t clear or doesn’t match our actions it affects our reputation and the amount of trust people will put into us, spouse included. Couples must be careful with their words and make sure they can support them.

You can improve by being clear and honest in your communication. It’s okay to say you don’t know, or to even ask for time to figure things out. Being truthful and doing what you say you will do will benefit your marriage significantly.

4. If you’re more frustrated after the conversation and every little thing turns into a bigger out of control thing.

Your marriage needs better communication and more understanding if every little thing is a trigger for you and your spouse. It may seem as though you’ve lost patience with one another.

You can get it back by remembering the love you have for your spouse. Also using a technique called the power of the pause. It’s used at my job and reminds people of how much power there is in pausing during a disagreement. When you pause, you can determine why you’re so upset and also reconsider your actions in order to get the positive response you’re seeking before you respond negatively.

5. If you’re not clarifying, acknowledging or validating…something’s wrong.

In order for communication to improve in your relationship you have to be willing to do all of these things. Clarifying helps you to be sure you’ve heard what you’ve heard. It’s important that you and your spouse are on the same page. Acknowledging what your spouse is saying and how they feel will help them feel safe about opening up. Validating it, even if you don’t understand shows compassion. It’s okay to say “I totally understand why you may feel this way.” That statement doesn’t make anyone right or wrong, it simply shows you understand their position. These are key ingredients to better communication and they work.

It’s good to be aware of the communication in your marriage, whether it’s good or needs work. Paying attention to these signs and taking immediate action when you’re off track will make all the difference in the overall health of your marriage.

BMWK, what are other signs that your marriage needs better communication?

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About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 632 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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5 Crucial Communication Tips to Achieve Oneness in Your Marriage

BY: - 3 Jul '17 | Communication

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I don’t know how many times this has happened. My husband will be talking with someone and suddenly find himself at a loss for words. He knows what he wants to say, but he’s not quite sure how to say it. Then, I will pipe in and finish the thought, phrase, or sentence for him. We look at each other, nodding in agreement that we’re both on the same page. Some who don’t know us might wonder if it’s some kind of superpower. It wasn’t always that way in our relationship. But ours is not unique.

Most relationships that reach the point of oneness don’t start out that way. Not to get preachy, but the Biblical phrase “the two shall become one flesh” is a pretty well-known phrase on the wedding circuit. It’s just that many couples don’t realize that the road to oneness is messy. Often times, the culprit involves some form of failed communication.

  • There are potholes, or arguments, meant to root out selfishness.
  • There are speed bumps that should force you to slow your roll and leave sarcasm at the door.
  • There are sharp curves filled with hurtful words that remind you to proceed with caution.
  • And there are signs galore that warn you if you’re saying too much and going over the limit.

So with all of that, can couples possibly achieve the oneness they often hear preachers talk about during their wedding ceremony? While there is no one size fits all method to every circumstance, here are five crucial communication strategies that makes two becoming one not only possible, but fun.

Oneness in Prayer

Yes. I’m starting out with something spiritual. If you’ve ever seen a happily connected couple, you know there’s something about their relationship that you just can’t explain. Their oneness just seems to be on a different level. Usually, that means it’s a spiritual one.

Couples who achieve next level oneness don’t get there by accident.

In a battle, there’s nothing like knowing the person in the bunker next to you knows what you’re fighting for. That’s what praying together does. It connects partners together in a spiritual war so that no matter what comes their way, they rise and fall together. We hear all the time that marriage takes work. That work starts and ends with prayer. Praying together just ensures the chord of three strands remains unbroken.

Click Here to Download: A Scripture a Day: 31 Scriptures to Protect Your Marriage

Oneness in Goals

Do you have goals for your marriage? I don’t mean your personal goals. I mean your marriage goals. Couples who achieve next level oneness don’t get there by accident. They put pen to paper and map out a plan to ensure success regardless of pitfalls along the way. They talk through:

  • Family goals
  • Financial goals
  • Spiritual goals

In fact, they go one step further. Because they take the time to discuss and solidify the direction of their marriage, they know how to help each other stay the course through any and every distraction.

Oneness in Responsibility

Once you put a road map in place, you need to identify and capitalize on individual gifts that will help you achieve those goals. Who will be responsible for the laundry? Who will pick up the kids from school? Who will manage the household budget? Not to be contradictory, but the Bible also says that “two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.” Ecclesiastes 4:9.

While two becoming one is a matter of the heart, two are better than one when responsibility and teamwork are in play. Oneness in responsibility doesn’t just happen. It requires taking time to assess each other’s strengths and weaknesses and put them to good use in your relationship.

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Oneness in Intimacy

I’m pretty sure it goes without saying that a consistent and monogamous roll in the hay is up there on the list for many people who get married. Sexual beings like sex. That’s kind of par for the course. But, oneness in intimacy goes so far beyond just the act of sex. Two people becoming one flesh in the bedroom starts long before the clothes come off.

On a daily basis, are your words thoughtful and kind? Do you flirt with your spouse like you did when you were in pursuit, or when you were dating? Have you learned their love language and do you speak it fluently? In order to get toe curling thrills in the bedroom, learn to meet each other’s needs outside of it.

Oneness in Respect

Thanks to Aretha Franklin, we all pretty much know how to spell respect. And, according to her song, we need to “find out what it means” to each other. You see, spelling it and practicing it are two different things. As the song suggests, it’s important to know what your partner deems respectful or disrespectful.

Don’t assume that because something doesn’t bother or hurt you, it won’t bother or hurt your spouse. It’s not only important to treat them the way you would want to be treated; treat them the way they want to be treated. Only then can respect truly be on a two way street.

Look, taking your marriage on the road to oneness is not meant for the faint at heart. It’s true that the ability to finish your spouse’s thoughts or sentences is a superpower. But it’s a superpower for marriages rich in communication. Hopefully, these tips will make for a much smoother ride.

BMWK, what communication strategies do you have that promote oneness in your marriage?

About the author

Joann Fisher wrote 121 articles on this blog.

Joann Fisher has been a writer and editor for both print and online newpapers and magazines for the last 10 years. She now serves as a Writer/Editor at BMWK and lead Editor for The Joy Network.

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