Ladies: 3 Signs You May Have Already Met Your Perfect Match and You Don’t Even Know It

BY: - 20 Jun '17 | Relationships

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Where are all the good men? If you’re a smart, successful, marriage-minded sista, and you’ve found yourself asking that question out of frustration, I have some good news. According to some experts, once a woman turns 30, there’s a 70% chance she’s already met the love of her life.  Your future husband could be a former classmate, co-worker, or someone you bumped into on your lunch break.

Now I haven’t been able to verify if this statistic is true or not, but the basic principle behind it is air-tight: You may be putting men who are husband material into the friend-zone because you don’t know these 3 things about choosing a mate, and it’s keeping you feeling invisible to the right man, and stuck with the wrong ones.

1. He should be fine and kind

Kindness is one of the hallmarks of someone who is emotionally available. The man you marry shouldn’t just be fine. He should also be kind! The problem, however, is that most women tend to friend-zone men because they’re too nice. For example, one of my clients told me she was turned off by a man who went out of his way to accommodate her needs. “It makes me feel like I can walk all over him,” she said. What I had to teach her was that a man who is thoughtful and sensitive to her needs has the exact qualities that will make a relationship last!

2. He should be accomplished and accepting

Most women put items on their “Ideal Man” list that point to a man’s ambition and accomplishments. But a good husband is also very skilled at acceptance. Not only should he be able to accept you for who you are, flaws and all, he should also accept your influence on him. According to John Gottman, the author of theThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, a good husband has the strength to let the opinions and needs of his woman influence his decisions. He’s able to compromise, doesn’t get into power struggles, and honors and respects his wife’s feelings.

It’s easy to friend-zone a man who actually has these qualities because these are not always the kind of qualities we think of in a Man’s Man, who tends to be admired because he’s always in control of a situation. However, these men also can try to control a relationship and lack the emotional intelligence to be good partners.

Good men still exist! You have to open up your eyes and your heart to see them.

3. He should create chemistry and be consistent

Are you looking to feel a “spark” in order to determine if a man’s right for you? If so, you’re overlooking a key component in choosing a mate: A man’s ability to be consistent in between dates is more important than his ability to make you feel sparks on a date. Consistency is a sign that a man has strong character and that he can be trusted with your heart. You can only discern what a man is made of over time, so if you have a really great guy that you’ve friend-zoned, and he’s still sticking around, he may have what it takes to be a good husband for you!

Good men still exist! You have to open up your eyes and your heart to see them. That often means you’ve got to go back and look at the men you’ve labeled as just a good friend, because he may be the perfect person for you!

BMWK, would you date a man that you’ve previously put in the friend-zone? Why or why not? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 152 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Is Settling the Secret to a Lasting Relationship?

BY: - 28 Jun '17 | Marriage

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The topic of settling was discussed on a radio show I was listening to last week. In my opinion it depends on what you’re settling for.

We all know that no one is perfect and that your ideal mate won’t show up in your life wrapped in a nice and neat package with a bow and have every single thing you are looking for. There will be something your spouse does or doesn’t have as it relates to your “list”.

For some individuals they may have grown weary in trying to find the perfect partner and made a decision to accept the very next person that comes their way.  This decision typically leads to heartache down the road.

Relationship happiness comes when you truly make a love connection with the person you decide to marry. Settling and doing without what’s really important to you could easily lead to regret and unhappiness.

Settling and doing without what’s really important to you could easily lead to regret and unhappiness.

Of course you might have to settle on some things. For example, does your potential mate really have to be 6’3”? It might be a preference, but is it a deal breaker?  

It’s important to be careful not to settle on the things that matter most to you in your relationships, your deal breakers. The things you truly value in a relationship should never be compromised. We deserve to be happy and to have a relationship that honors us with love and respect.

Settling may not be the secret to a lasting relationship, but here’s what is:

Love. It’s where it all begins. Love is an action word that causes us as adults to make sacrifices and show up better. A relationship can’t survive if this is missing. I know some folks marry for all types of reasons, but have you ever seen how unhappy those people look who have settled for something other than love?

Honesty. Trust is everything in a relationship. A partner has to do what they say they’re going to do and be honest as it relates to the relationship and you. Having a partner who can’t be trusted will usually lead to disappointment.

Respect. I think Lauryn Hill says it best in one of her songs “Respect is just the minimum.” Every relationship I’ve seen succeed is one where respect is alive and well. Listening to one another, accepting and respecting each other’s thoughts and opinions is key to relationship success.

Attraction. It isn’t superficial at all to want to be attracted to the person you’re in a relationship with. From attraction comes intimacy and we all know how important intimacy can be to a healthy relationship.

Loyalty. The relationships that I’ve seen prosper most are the ones where both partners are invested in the relationship and fully committed to one another. Loyalty is about supporting one another through thick and thin.

I don’t think settling is the secret to a lasting relationship. We, of course, need to decide what we are willing to accept from our partners, as they won’t be perfect. But we should never compromise or settle on the things we truly value and that add to the joy we desire in our lives.

BMWK, do you think settling is the secret to a lasting relationship?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 630 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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