Should I Divorce My Wife for My High School Sweetheart?

BY: - 14 Jun '17 | Marriage

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I was with my high school sweetheart for about 5 years off and on, but we were young and always broke up over childish things, but we always got back together. As a young man, I never looked at being in a relationship like average youngsters. I was really thinking about marriage and who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Well she was who I saw myself spending the rest of my life with because I was in love with her and felt like I knew her almost like I knew myself and vice versa. But in college we separated over something I can’t even remember why and eventually I ended up getting married.

I wasn’t ready to get married, to be honest, and felt a little pressured. Nevertheless, I love my wife because she is a GREAT woman. The problem I have is this…I feel connected to my high school sweetheart and I ignored the fact that I wasn’t over her nor ready to get married.

That feeling and thought came back almost a year ago and I can’t shake it. It’s messing up my marriage because my heart is telling me I should be with my HS sweetheart. I know that this is wrong logically because I’m already married and my wife and I have a child together.

My wife and I have discussed this over and over and basically it’s up to me to make the decision. I just don’t want to make the wrong decision because I’ve never been through this before. I’m 22 and just want to be happy and want everyone else to be happy as well.

Should I Divorce My Wife for My High School Sweet Heart?

Confused in Love

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Dear Confused in Love,

Thank you for contacting me. You provided great detail about the nature of your confusion, but not enough for me to provide a thorough response. I would like to know why you feel so connected to your high school sweetheart and what was the connection based on? I often remind individuals that there is difference between lust and love. I am not sure of what your infatuation with your high school sweetheart was built on. Knowing this can help because, developmentally speaking, one would question whether or not you all were mature enough to have a sustainable relationship.

It sounds like you are a little impulsive, indecisive and somewhat emotionally immature. I make this comment not as a judgment, but because you stated that you broke up with your high school sweetheart several times and felt a little pressured to marry your wife, although you were not ready. Also, I made the aforementioned comment because I wanted to shed light on some things that I believe you need to work on before making any decisions. Lastly, I advise you to never make major life decisions while in emotional distress.

Some people say that the heart does not lie. They also say, “If you feel it is most be right”. I highly recommend that you think heavily about this because we can mentally convince ourselves to justify our emotions even if they are unhealthy. I often tell people that they should not do what their mind cannot handle. What we feel and what we think does not always align, but a confused mindset will always contribute and/or cause confused emotions. You have to get your mind right before you can get your life or relationship right.

I commend you for wanting to make everyone happy, but unfortunately it appears that several individuals will be impacted by your decision to stay or leave. The battle between your heart (high school sweetheart) and your mind (great wife) should be fought in therapy. You need someone to help you process.

I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling. Because you want to do the right thing by all that are involved.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 178 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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5 Really Good Ways to Support Your Spouse’s Dream

BY: - 14 Jun '17 | Marriage

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I am a dreamer. I sometimes think up really big ideas but occasionally I lose steam when the process seems to be moving too slowly or I get discouraged. This is why my husband is such a really great match for me. He’s always supportive, realistic and able to see the big picture when I can’t. He knows who he married so he understands what I need as a dreamer.

Dreamers get excited about ideas. They sometimes want things to move along pretty quickly and can sometimes miss key details as a result. They are usually always looking for their big break or that one big idea. Dreamer’s believe anything is possible at anytime. That, of course, can be taxing on the other spouse. Supporting a dreamer requires a special skill and remembering these 5 things will definitely help.

Listen attentively to your dreamer. Whether it’s their first idea or idea number 250, listen attentively. Show them you care about what they care about. Great eye contact, positive body language and asking clarifying questions are a great way to demonstrate you’re listening. It’s also okay to challenge a little bit and ask about details of your spouse’s dream while you’re listening. Your attention and interest will surely inspire your spouse.

Add to your dreamer’s ideas. If it makes sense and is a really good idea, be willing to offer up your help. Perhaps you have an area of expertise that benefits your spouse’s dream.  If so, remind them you can help in that area. Maybe you can even help do research to get the idea moving from concept to implementation.

Support your dreamer. Again, those great ideas are the ones we need to support most. Show up, buy their product, or promote their event. Let your support be obvious. Be your dreamer’s biggest supporter and loudest cheerleader. Step up in areas your spouse needs you most, even before they ask.

Remind your dreamer of their resilience. Dreamers can sometimes become discouraged. Build them up with words of encouragement. Use powerful words and phrases like “You got this!” “This is going to be amazing!” or “I really admire your drive and persistence.” Words carry so much power. Use yours wisely as you encourage your dreamer.

Create a space for your dreamer to dream. You know who you married and you know how it gets when your spouse’s creative juices are flowing. Help them by removing distractions. Watch the children while they create. Or, design a space for them in the home that helps breed creativity. Whatever assists them in being at their best, do that.

Again, dreamers won’t stop dreaming. I’m sure you already know that though.  The 5 suggestions listed above will surely show your love and support, and dreamers often need that more than anything.

BMWK, what are other ways to support a dreaming spouse?

About the author

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote 630 articles on this blog.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, founder of Life Editing and Author of A Conversation Piece: 32 Bold Relationship Lessons for Discussing Marriage, Sex and Conflict Available on Amazon . She helps couples and individuals rewrite their life to reflect their dreams. Tiya has been featured in Essence and Ebony Magazines, and named one of the top blogs to read now by Refinery29. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two daughters. To find out more about Tiya, and her coaching, visit www.thelifeandlovecoach.com and www.theboldersister.com.

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