Single Mother of 3: Am I Worthy of Enough?

BY: - 28 Jun '17 | Single

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Hi Dr. Buckingham,

I am a 33 year old single mom of 3. I’ve never been married. I have been abstinent for 6 months now and growing spiritually. It seems like I cannot find anyone to connect with. It’s so bad to where I do not even have friends. I’m intelligent, hardworking, attractive, love sports, love family and God. Seems like I am the total package huh? Wrong! I’ve been attracting unsatisfying types of men lately. It’s like nobody likes me for me? They just want certain things from me. Am I Not Worthy Enough? Is there something I need to change? Help me.

Packaged Right, but Wrong Results

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Dear Packaged Right, but Wrong Results,

Although, I do not know much about you other than how you described yourself, you are worthy of enough. God created us out of love so that we can give and receive love. I empathize with you and your frustration with finding love, especially as a single mother of 3. Why do I mention this? You stated, “They just want certain things from me.” If I can be straightforward with you there are a percentage of men who will view you as a sex object and as being easy because of your parental status. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for some men to view single parent mothers as not being marriage worthy. This is sad and causes some women to engage in demoralizing behavior such as having sex with multiple guys in order to find and experience love.

You are worthy of enough. God created us out of love so that we can give and receive love.

Without knowing how you carry yourself, treat yourself and interact with men, I cannot comment on what you need to change or do differently. However, what I can tell you is to never waiver on what you expect. Especially, if your expectations are realistic.

As a single mother, remind men that you are worthy enough because you take care of your responsibility despite the hand that you were dealt.

Remind them that you give love to kids who do not get to choose who loves them.

Remind them that your past does not determine your future.

Remind them that your ability to love unconditionally is proven through your devotion to your children.

Remind them that your body is a temple and so is your mind.

Remind them that you might feel lonely at times, but not desperate.

Remind them that being a single mother is not easy, but it is reflection of the winner in you.

Lastly, remind them that you are worthy of enough because you are a child of God and deserve what your heart desires.

If the men you interact with cannot see the value in you then they are not worthy of being with you. Continue to love God and you will get what you deserve. Remember that love is not a matter of time, but a matter of work. How much work you put into yourself and relationships determine the amount of love you will receive.

I realize that waiting can be frustrating, but jumping before you are ready can be devastating. Continue to grow spiritually and God will send you a King.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 192 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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Relationship Limbo: Should I Be Patient or Move On If My Man Won’t Commit?

BY: - 18 Jul '17 | Relationships

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

Thank you in advance for considering my advice question! I’m a 34-year-old woman dating a 35-year-old man.  We’ve been together for 2 years and I’m twiddling my thumbs waiting for 1 of 2 things to occur…either he pops the question and/or we finally move in together.

We’ve spoken about marriage, looked at rings, he’s asked my dad for my hand (a year ago) and we’ve talked about moving in together yet neither has happened.  We’ve been talking about these things for over a year.  At this point, whenever I ask him about moving in, he gets frustrated. I am ready to take this relationship forward but I feel he is dragging his feet. Do I Need to Be Patient or Move On? Your advice is welcomed.

Warm regards, Stuck in limbo

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Stuck in Limbo,

Please be patient and take the time to figure out if this is the right relationship. A large percentage of people might think that two years is a long time to determine if a relationship is right. I would argue against this perspective because quantity is the same as quality. You made reference to how long you all have been together, but you did not mention the quality of the relationship.

Just because a man proposes does not mean he is ready for marriage. In my latest book, “You Deserve More: A Single Woman’s Guide to Marriage,” I inform women that some men like to take the path of least resistance. This means that some men will take the easiest way to reach our aims and solve problems, especially in relationships. We engage in this behavior to help save time, and, most importantly, to reserve emotional energy.

Don’t be quick to jump into marriage if you are not sure about how to sustain a marriage.

Unfortunately, a large percentage of men I see in therapy and in my consultation business tell me that they got married because it was the easiest thing to do at the time. This is not to say that they were not in love, but they took the path of least resistance. Understanding what that means can be difficult because every man operates differently. For example, if marrying you will shut you up and take the pressure off, then some men will do just that—path of least resistance. If men can get sex without commitment, then some men will do just that—path of least resistance.

You do not want a man to marry or commit to you because you want it more than he does. Also, some women make the mistake of thinking that moving in together is a form of commitment. This is not true. A man can live under the same roof with you and still treat you like a second-class citizen. Nevertheless, some people argue that living together will help determine compatibility because they believe that you do not know someone until you live with them. This is partially true. I teach couples how to pay attention to issues that will surface while living under the same roof. Also, if you believe in living righteously according to God, living together is wrong from a biblical perspective.

Related Series: How We Went from fussing and fighting to Being Happily Married

If I were you I would focus more on his motivation for wanting to get married, not your time frame. Your time frame might be different than what he had in mind or from what he feels comfortable with. You stated that he gets frustrated when you ask about moving in. This is an indicator that something is not right. Don’t be so quick to jump into marriage if you are not sure about how to sustain a marriage. Spend time seeking to understand his motives without nagging him. If you are not able to discern please seek professional counseling or move on if you do not want to invest additional time or energy.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 192 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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