3 Ways to Keep Your Junk (Baggage) from Ruining Your Marriage

BY: - 24 Jul '17 | Marriage

Share this article!


Our trip to Virginia was not going to be long…just a few days. So, I decided to pack lightly. It was still warm in Georgia and without checking Virginia’s weather forecast, I packed my bags with clothes appropriate for Georgia weather. Needless to say, I was surprised as the weather grew significantly cooler the further north we traveled. It turns out a “cold front” was moving in. As someone brought up in the warmth of the Caribbean sun, I was not happy. Instead of the right clothes for my trip, I was now carrying around useless baggage.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever packed your bags with the wrong items for the trip you’re about to take? Sadly, too many of us do that with marriage. We pack our bags for marriage as if we’re going on a singles’ vacation. The items we take are completely inappropriate and we only realize it the further into the marriage we get. Unfortunately, once we realize our baggage is holding us back from enjoying this lifetime journey, many of us don’t know what to do.

While no one enters a marriage as a perfect individual, if you put in the self work and retool your baggage, it can mean a pleasant trip down the aisle and beyond.


So, what is this baggage that so many of us cling to? Baggage is anything you carry around from your past that becomes undesirable weight. It holds you down and holds you back, adversely affecting your present and your future. And because we don’t know what to do with it, we take it with us from relationship to relationship, even into our marriages.

  • You had to fend for yourself at a young age? You pack it, because you don’t need anyone.
  • Money was a struggle for your family? You pack it, because making money now comes first.
  • Your dad let your mom walk all over him? You pack it and will never really open up to a woman.
  • Your dad walked out on the family? You pack it because you’ll never really trust any man.
  • You were molested as a child? You pack it because you don’t believe you can have real intimacy.

When you pack your bag with those experiences, it makes it difficult to enhance your marriage and help it grow. But, while no one enters a marriage as a perfect individual, if you put in the self work and retool your baggage, it can mean a pleasant trip down the aisle and beyond. So, here are three ways to retool your baggage and have the lifelong, loving relationship you signed up for.

Be Honest With Yourself. Stand on Your Truth.

Out of all the billions of people in the world, you are the only one who has experienced your joys and pains. Only you have lived your life. No more shame over past mistakes or a past that is less than perfect. No more pity parties or excuses. Be honest with yourself, get help, and move on.

Be Honest With Your Mate. Understand Your Mate’s Truth.

Being honest with your mate will remove the feeling that you are hiding something from them. It allows you the freedom to stand on your truth and give your mate the opportunity to know you on another level. You also have the opportunity to understand your spouse’s truth. By doing so, you learn to work together and build each other up as you unpack and deal with the baggage of your lives together.

Create a Place of Refuge for You and Your Spouse

Your home should be your castle. The husband is the King and his wife is the Queen. As such, your home should be a safe haven. It should be a place of retreat and refuge and an atmosphere of peace should prevail. So, how do you create this atmosphere in your home?

  • Protect one another – Love is not meant to hurt. Each mate knows, and has the responsibility to communicate, what makes them feel safe and protected.
  • Create a no-judgment zone – This is the place where each of you can be yourself without fear of put-downs and personal attacks.
  • Release anger and disappointment and hold on to joy – Emotions are a natural part of life. However, out-of-control emotions can become baggage. If it’s unhealthy, release it and move on to joy so you can have a happy home.

Listen, walking around carrying a bunch of baggage all day long, day in and day out, is tiring. It’s the kind of weight that can make you strong or weigh you down. You can stand in your story and remain there, or you can stand on your story and rise to another level.

You are not inadequate. You are a powerful being. By retooling your baggage, you will experience the kind of marriage you desire. You are more than capable of experiencing personal change from the inside out. Receive it and watch your awe-inspiring future begin to unfold.

To read more about  how to allow your past baggage to positively influence your future and your marriage, check out the BMWK Guide to Unpacking Your Baggage – Leave Behind the Baggage of Your Past to Move Your Life and Marriage Forward.

About the author

Deborah L. Mills wrote 185 articles on this blog.

Coach, AUTHOR, Speaker, WIFE, Mom, and GRANDMOTHER. That's the gist of who I am. I love people and love to see their life and relationships thrive. As a coach I am ready to support your dream when you don't feel like it. As an author and speaker I am ready to pour into your life so that you can live your best life now. I am a personal and executive coach. Together with my husband I also marriage coach. GO TO MY WEBSITE. THERE IS A FREE GIFT THERE WAITING FOR YOU. http://bit.ly/2deborahlmills


like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!


Facebook Wordpress

Leave a Reply

All Articles Delivered To Your Inbox Daily! Sign up below!

3 Ways to Take Your Marriage Off Auto-Pilot and Avoid the Crash and Burn

BY: - 31 Jul '17 | Marriage

Share this article!


There’s nothing like the excitement of a new relationship. I recently went to a friend’s birthday party and watched as she interacted with a gentleman I didn’t know. However, their body language said it all. His eyes followed her around the room. Her smile brightened each time he was near her.  She leaned in toward him when she spoke. There was a care and attentiveness to their interaction that bespoke of newfound love. And, it was actually fun to watch.

But aren’t they all like that…new relationships. He’s in tune with her needs. She makes an effort to learn about and enjoy the things he likes to do. He takes time each day to call her just to say hello. She surprises him with a homemade lunch at work. He asks her out on a date, plans something special, and arrives on time. She steps out for the evening with her man, hair and make up on point and dressed to the nines.

Marriage, albeit complicated, is an amazing relationship and it needs our attention on a daily basis if it’s to stay that way.


The journey into romance is sweet and if it leads to marriage, all the better. It’s just that for many couples, after they’ve been together for a while, things start to become routine. The excitement of the relationship wears off and somewhere along the road, either…or both, push the dreaded auto-pilot button. You know the one – wake up, shower, eat, drop off the kids, go to work, leave work, get the kids, eat dinner, bed, repeat. When that happens, life, and your relationship with your spouse, begins the slow descent into an unfulfilling, boring, and dangerous abyss.

  • He’s no longer concerned with her needs
  • She’s no longer aware of his desires
  • Work and career become his first priority
  • The needs of their kids become her only focus
  • She leaves him to his interests and flies solo with her own
  • He no longer asks her out on dates and chills on the couch

No matter the culture, race, or religion, marriages across the board are taking a hit because they have succumbed to being on auto-pilot. If you find your relationship spiraling downward and desire to regain control, here are three suggestions to get things back in the air and avoid the crash and burn.

Daily Face to Face

Marriage, albeit complicated, is an amazing relationship and it needs our attention on a daily basis if it’s to stay that way. We perform our checks and balances to make sure that nothing has gone wrong that could further complicate matters. Just as each partner needs to give daily attention to a new dating relationship so that it can grow and mature, a husband and wife needs to give daily attention to their marriage for it to continue to blossom. Whether you spend five quality minutes or fifty, put in the time that works for you and talk…not about the kids or the chores or the finances. Rather, spend time talking about your dreams, laughing about your faults, and connecting with each others hearts…and wherever else you want.

Weekly Dating

Giving your marriage the respect it deserves can easily begin with a date. One of the quickest ways to turn off the auto-pilot is to find fun and exciting things to do with each other. Take a salsa class. Learn a new language together. Go on an art infused date. There are so many opportunities to engage in the new and the unusual. Developing new hobbies and spending time doing them together will keep the relationship fresh, just as it did when you were dating.

Monthly focus

Establishing a monthly focus in your relationship is paramount if you intend to get your marriage off auto-pilot. Where is your marriage in need of work? What are the areas that need your attention this month? What potential pitfalls should you be aware of? What are your partner’s needs and concerns right now? Getting back in the habit of being in tune with your partner requires the same focus you had when you were dating. So while you take the time to laugh daily and date weekly, don’t forget those monthly heart to heart conversations that focus your attention on the rough spots and help draw you close.

Getting your marriage off auto-pilot and putting your relationship back on track is worth the effort. You will find that putting in the time needed will be just as exciting as developing a new romance. For you and your spouse, it will be a beautiful journey. For the rest of us looking in, it will be fun to watch.

BMWK, are you ready to take your marriage off of auto-pilot?

About the author

Joann Fisher wrote 139 articles on this blog.

Joann Fisher has been a writer and editor for both print and online newpapers and magazines for the last 10 years. She now serves as a Writer/Editor at BMWK and lead Editor for The Joy Network.


like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!


Facebook Wordpress