Protect Your Castle and Get Sex on the Regular in Your Marriage

BY: - 26 Jul '17 | Intimacy

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By: Dr. George James

In medieval times, or in any episode of Game of Thrones, you’ll find that people literally live in a castle. It could be a King and his Queen, a Lord and Lady, or a Duke and Duchess.  As such, the castle is uniquely built to keep noble men and women safe from invaders.  Boundaries such as high walls, arrow slits, drawbridges, and moats are used to defend and  protect both the individuals and the valuables of the castle. Well, in our relationships, we need to protect our intimacy and sex life with boundaries just like a castle.

 

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You see, without boundaries, anyone could invade and take over the castle.  It would be difficult to maintain power, consistency, or nobility if just anyone is allowed to breach its walls.  Yet surprisingly, we allow all forms of intrusion when it comes to our intimacy and sex life.

It can be easy to ignore boundaries when it comes to work, or friends, family, and other responsibilities. But, without boundaries in these areas, we leave no time for intimacy and sex. If you find that you are too tired, too busy, and too stressed to spend quality and sexual time with your partner, then you are not protecting your castle. The good thing is that it’s not too late to make a change and revive your intimacy and sex life.

5 Steps to Getting Sex on the Regular in Your Marriage

  1. Schedule Your Booty Call – A lot of people think that if you have to schedule time to have sex, it is not romantic. But it is. For a lot of people with busy lives, you might not have any time for intimacy and sex if you don’t schedule it.  Make sure no one will interfere with your time. Set your boundaries and schedule your booty call with your spouse.
  2. Remember Your Partner is important too – It can be easy to focus on the kids, job, family and friends. Sometimes, you might even say the things you do are important. But your partner is important too.  Let him or her know that they are still a high priority for you.  Do something special and then get it on.
  3. Take Turns Initiating the Romance – When was the last time you initiated sex or made sure there was a babysitter for the kids? Don’t leave it up to your partner to get the party started. Take turns.  This time, you are up.
  4. Spend Non-Sexual Quality Time – Being intimate does not always mean sex. It is important to have non-sexual quality time.  This includes being close, holding hands, kissing, etc without the expectation or pressure of sex. Adding this to your routine can help build your closeness and passion.
  5. Make Sure to Keep it Sexy – You are still attractive to your partner. But your partner still wants to see you sexy side. That outfit, cologne/perfume, that look or even how you talk.  Let her or him know that you want to be with them.  Spice it up try something new or something from the past.

In The Drop By, the third episode, of the new web series “Funny Married Stuff ,” a couple uses a humorous approach to discuss what it takes to protect the intimacy and passion in their marriage from invaders such as friends, family, work and busy schedules.  Check out the episode here:

Maybe you find yourself in a similar situation as the couple in this episode or you relate to the example above.  Take time to discuss how to maintain intimacy and sex in your relationship. Protecting your love life is as important as protecting your castle because once you stop defending what’s yours, it can be taken away and even harder to recover.

For more episodes and information about Funny Married Stuff go to www.funnymarriedstuff.com and www.youtube.com/funnymarriedstuff.

Dr. George James, LMFT speaks, counsels, consults, coaches and teaches people how to overcome difficult relationships problems and build successful happy connections. James has been a reoccurring expert on many radio, TV and online programs. He is also a reoccurring relationship contributor to Ebony magazine. James is a staff therapist and an AAMFT-approved supervisor at Council For Relationships.  Find out more about Dr. George James at GeorgeTalks.com.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1236 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

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The 3 Types of Intimacy Every Marriage Needs to Thrive

BY: - 29 Sep '17 | Intimacy

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What exactly is intimacy? When we look at the true definition, everything surrounding intimacy deals with closeness to another person: closeness of contact, friendship, warmth, and familiarity.

This is intimacy and there is no human being on the planet with whom you will share the same level of intimacy than the one you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. But this kind of closeness comes in different forms. If you truly desire for your marriage to thrive, growing in these three types of intimacy will give you a great head start.

Type 1: Sexual Intimacy

First let me say that sex isn’t the only type of intimacy, and it is a problem when we start confusing the two. But it is one of the ways that you experience intimacy with your spouse. Opinions vary on the level of intimacy that sex includes, but if we look at the common words in the definition—personal, private, contact—there is something inherently intimate about being that close to another human being.

It’s one of the reasons why sex is supposed to be reserved for our spouses and only our spouses, because there is no one else in the world who can know you that intimately.

Even if we understand our own relationship to our faith and enjoy our own intimate relationship with God, we often think of our spiritual paths as personal and separate from one other.

Just as intimacy can lead to sex, sex can lead to intimacy. The intimacy cycle is important for both partners, but the connection between the two can be different for men and women. “Many men can’t feel intimate with their partner unless their sex life is satisfying, but many women can’t enjoy sex without intimacy. For men, sex feeds intimacy, and for women, intimacy feeds sex.” [Excerpt from Real Sex for Real Women by Dr. Laura Berman]

Sex can be both an intimacy barometer and an intimacy igniter. If its lacking, it may be an indicator that another one of your intimacy areas is lacking, but if its lacking, it also means that you aren’t connecting physically, making that disconnect grow greater.

Sex (or lack thereof) is one of the cornerstones in the intimacy cycle. If you’ve got lots of intimacy, you’ve got lots of sex, and therefore lots of intimacy. If you’ve got no intimacy, you’ve got less sex, and therefore less intimacy. It’s up to you to decide where in that cycle you want to be!

Type 2: Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is how close you feel emotionally to your spouse. It speaks to the type of connection that you share with one another, the non-sexual affection that you show, and how you communicate, openly and honestly. In its simplest terms, emotional intimacy speaks to the friendship that you share with your husband or your wife.

Being a true friend to your spouse can be just as, if not more, important as being his or her lover. A true friend is someone you can trust with your deepest secrets and innermost thoughts. A true friend is someone you can expect to always have your back. A friend is someone whom you can look toward for encouragement and acceptance.

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Last, but certainly not least, a friend is someone you can have fun with and simply enjoy being around. You may share a certain level of emotional intimacy with a number of people in your life, but the intimacy you share with the one you come home to, wake up with in the morning and sleep with every night, should be unmatched.

Type 3: Spiritual Intimacy

Most couples can get a firm grasp on sexual intimacy. Few people would argue that sex is completely unimportant to a marriage. Most folks can also understand the concept of emotional intimacy. They understand that love and marriage isn’t only about sex, otherwise there would be little need for the “marriage” part of the equation. We understand that old-school saying “homey-lover-friends.”

Spiritual intimacy is a little more complex and a lot less understood. Even if we understand our own relationship to our faith and enjoy our own intimate relationship with God, we often think of our spiritual paths as personal and separate from one other.

Understanding spiritual intimacy is understanding that in a marriage those separate paths do intertwine. Simply put, spiritual intimacy is about knowing how to connect with your spouse through your faith. It is about using your belief systems to draw closer to one another.

According to Dr. Dwayne Buckingham, relationship expert and founder of the company, R.E.A.L Horizons, LLC, spiritual intimacy goes beyond even your shared religious beliefs. “Spiritual intimacy is not just religion,” he says. “It is a shared meaning and purpose behind your relationship.” Spiritual intimacy unites you as a couple around one shared vision for your lives and partnership that you can build your marriage around.

A healthy marriage will unite all of these areas of intimacy. A healthy marriage ties together the sexual, the emotional, and the spiritual like no other, making the relationship unique to the others you may have. By embracing and implementing all three, your marriage will grow in leaps and bounds and thrive for years to come.

BMWK, are you ready to see your marriage thrive?

About the author

Aja Dorsey Jackson wrote 207 articles on this blog.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marriage educator in Baltimore, Maryland and author of the blog and book, Making Love in the Microwave.

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