3 Tips to Turn Your Failing Marriage Around

BY: - 7 Aug '17 | Relationships

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Were you deeply in love with your spouse when you got married? Most people are. Here is the person who you have taken the time to get to know, appreciate, adore, and then love. A future together feels right. So, you take the leap. You jump the broom. You join the club. And, for a time, aside from the occasional dust up typical of newlyweds, you feel blessed to have found “the one.”

Then, some form of lightning strikes and blows the whole thing up. Out of nowhere, disaster hits and your relationship is wholly unprepared to handle it.

  • Maybe it’s an illness.
  • Maybe it’s the inability to have children.
  • Maybe it’s infidelity.
  • Maybe it’s the loss of a child or family member.

The love that was once impenetrable now has to contend with the “worse” of “for better or worse.” You both feel ill equipped to deal with the fallout, so you seek advice from the advice givers and counseling from the counselors. But no matter where you turn, you are still left wanting. All the while, your marriage is crumbling beneath its once rock solid foundation. Your world of bliss has transformed into a world of disaster and you don’t know how to find your way back.

Even as you are trying to find your way back to love, other things will vie for your attention.

Well, I won’t tell you I have all the answers. Maybe your marriage has come face to face with Clubber Lang and ended up with a bloody lip and eyes swollen shut. You know you are in for the fight of your married lives and the prediction is “pain!” But before you give up and throw in the towel, I want to remind you of one thing. Love never fails. Remember the love you had at first and use these three tips to turn your marriage around.

Focus on the Love, Not on the Problem

Without a doubt, one of the easiest traps a troubled marriage falls into is the non-stop reference to the “issue”” in the relationship. Even though it’s major, and even though it needs to be addressed, an incessant acknowledgement of the problem won’t help to fix it. In fact, that does more harm than good. Instead, place the issue to the side for a moment and just start being nice to each other once again.

  • Make him a cup of coffee when you make your own
  • Open her car door when traveling together
  • Start a journal of things you love about your spouse, then share it with them

These things won’t be easy to do at first. But plant the seed, water it, then watch it grow.

Develop Relationship Strengthening Habits

Even as you are trying to find your way back to love, other things will vie for your attention. It could be work, or the kids, or your parents, or debt. They will all be clamoring for first place on your schedule and tempting you to push your marriage to the side. A great way to combat that is to develop relationship habits for which there are no compromises.

  • If date night is Tuesday, then the boss has to reschedule his mandatory meeting or have it without you.
  • If you have a set counseling session, then help your mom with her grocery shopping on a different day.
  • If a client calls with an urgent problem, remember, there’s nothing more urgent than getting and keeping your marriage on the right track.

Don’t let anything interfere with the good things you are doing to save your marriage. It’s just that simple.

Stay Plugged-in to Each Other’s Needs

As things progress and the relationship starts turning, it’s imperative you remain completely connected to your spouse. Whatever the issue, your marriage began to fall apart the moment you two become emotionally and spiritually unplugged. Take the time to find the balance of intimacy and passion in your relationship. Small talks over breakfast and surprise lunch dates will open heartwarming lines of communication. Late night talks in bed can serve to bring you closer in more ways than one. Remember, this fight isn’t won or lost in one round. It’s important to stay the course and go the distance.

BMWK, In what ways do you fight for your marriage and turn it around?

About the author

Joann Fisher wrote 127 articles on this blog.

Joann Fisher has been a writer and editor for both print and online newpapers and magazines for the last 10 years. She now serves as a Writer/Editor at BMWK and lead Editor for The Joy Network.

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Did My Husband Cross the Line by Agreeing to Sleep with My Sister So That We Could Have a Baby?

BY: - 8 Aug '17 | Marriage

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

Please help me work through my anger and disappointment with my husband. I married my husband who was also my high school sweet heart. We have been together 10 years and have had problems over the past two years because I recently learned that I could not have children. This has caused us to fight often because my husband told me that he wanted children when we got married.

When I first found that I could not birth children, he was very supportive. But, over time, he grew angry. Out of desperation, I thought about asking my younger sister to sleep with my husband with the intent of getting pregnant. I know that this sounds like something from a Jerry Springer show, but I felt desperate and knew that my sister would do anything for me.

Most people told me that my husband and I should have hired a surrogate mother or adopted a child, but we could not afford it so I wanted to ask my sister. I told my husband what I was thinking and he agreed to sleep with my sister. I got extremely angry with him because he said yes. I was disappointed because I was hoping that he would tell me that I was out of my mind. After he agreed, we fought daily and I ended up telling him that I was not sure if our marriage would last. Did My Husband Cross the Line by Agreeing to Sleep with My Sister?

Disappointed Wife

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Disappointed Wife,

First, I would like to say that I am sorry to hear about your birthing challenge. Second, I would like to say that I am not in a position to judge anyone. I believe that God has the final say regarding our actions. My response is not intended to be judgmental, but to shed light on a complex situation. With this in mind, I believe that both you and your husband crossed the line.

You asked him to violate his vows and he agreed. I understand that you were desperate and under emotional distress and that he was frustrated. However, you both took wedding vows and agreed to have and hold each other for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, and until death.

Your proposal and your husband’s response were both indecent. This situation truly reflects the severity of your marital discord. The amount of emotional distress that is demonstrated due to your birthing challenge is worthy of seeking professional help.

Some people would tell you to leave your husband because he agreed to your proposal knowing that you were not emotionally stable. Others would say that he has a thing for your sister. Please be careful of what and whom you listen to. A lot of us say that we would never compromise our morals or values. While this sounds good and ethical, I can tell you that a lot of people do a lot of bad things when they are emotionally hijacked. Emotional hijacking refers to a state when an individual’s logical thinking is overpowered by his/her emotions.

Before you crucify your husband and throw your marriage away, please get help for your emotional distress. I believe that you placed him and yourself in a very awkward situation. Your marriage may or may not recover from this situation. Please get some professional help so that you and your husband can do what is best for you all.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 195 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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