Benefits or Backbone? 4 Reasons to Stop Wasting Time in a Bad Relationship

BY: - 17 Aug '17 | Relationships

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By: Ankunda Carrolyn

Growing up as a Non-Christian, all I ever wanted was a man who could love me, spoil me with gifts, provide for me, and take care of me (which isn’t bad, by the way). My spiritual eyes had not been opened yet to the importance of marrying a spiritual man. I later realized that the beauty of a relationship with a mature, spiritual man is you get the full package. You get the love, care, and, above all, the fulfillment that comes with worshipping and praising God together.

Back to my story. I spent over two years dating an ungodly man and, I must admit, life was good. Whenever I needed money for hair, it was right there. Whenever I desired anything like pretty clothes, shoes, bags etc., he always made sure I got it. I felt comfortable with that kind of life. I felt happy and contented but…empty. Every time I tried to get closer to God, this man distracted me. I felt guilty every second we made love. I would whimper but he couldn’t understand why.

I decided, with unwavering determination, that enough was enough.

Time passed and I confided in someone about how I felt. Their advice: ”You have come a long way with him. You can’t leave him now. I’s a bit late and you may not easily find someone else.” In my head, I was convinced more than ever that ending the relationship was the right decision to make. Still, I stuck around because I was scared of being alone and broke. Not only that, but the whole idea of being single scared the freaking hell out of me.

Then, alone, on a cold Monday morning, I decided, with unwavering determination, that enough was enough. I grew a backbone and realized I was tired. I was tired of being controlled, tired of being so vulnerable, tired of being highly reliant on him, and, above all, tired of feeling empty. Life was tough the next couple of days, but no amount of words can express the elation I felt having made that decision.

If you feel stuck in a bad relationship, here are four reasons to grow a backbone and cut him loose regardless of his “benefits.”

God Promises to Supply All of Your Needs

Okay. Crack open the Bible for a second and read Philippians 4:19. Note that God says “all,” not some. Ladies, don’t allow that man to be your source of provision. God is and will always be. God is not man that he should lie or change his mind. He will fulfill your desires as long it’s in line with his will.

Enough of the Suffocation – It’s Time to Breathe Again

Why stay with someone who suffocates you? The Bible says to “Rejoice always.” But it’s hard to rejoice with an empty, bitter heart. Pay no heed to the bad advice from friends. God has got you in the palm of his hands and he will take care of you. Get up and leave at once without looking back. Don’t let him deceive you into thinking he will change. God is the only one who can change a person. You can’t. All you can do is pray for him and surrender him to God.

Remember that Life is too Short to Live a Miserable Life

I keep telling my friends that life is what you make it. If you choose to stay depressed, sad, or sulky over a man who isn’t even your husband, then that’s your choice. Life has presented us with choices. and It’s up to us to make wise ones. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a good, happy and fulfilling relationship. It won’t just come out of the blue. It takes effort. It takes prayer. It takes living a holy and pure life in total surrender to God. Get supportive Christian friends who will uplift you and pray with you and within no time, you will experience immense joy and peace.

Get up ladies and do the things you love while you wait for the best from God. Adopt a hobby. Maybe your man was suppressing your career or talent. Now is the time to fulfill all the potential that’s inside of you.

Try Every Ounce of Greatness You Feel

Lastly, I want to assure you that it won’t be easy, especially considering the memories you have shared with this person. Everywhere you go and look will remind you of him. But keep this in mind: You left him because you wanted to pursue God. You did it for God who is a thousand times better than your ex!!! Also, remember that God comes first in everything so idolizing your man is so wrong.

Ms. Ankunda Carrolyn is an inspectorate officer with the Inspectorate Government in Uganda. She loves writing stories, reading and motivating people. She is so passionate about helping the society and people around her especially when it comes to relationships, finances and career. To learn more about Carrolyn Ankunda, visit her Facebook page.

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BMWK Staff wrote 1255 articles on this blog.

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How Can I Win My Boyfriend Back?

BY: - 22 Aug '17 | Relationships

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I’ve been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. He has put me first and treated me like a queen. But I took advantage of that and he is fed up with me. Now that I have realized my wrongs and my bad attitude, he wants a break from me.

He says not to contact him and be strong, but I feel like my world has come to an end. I feel like I’ve lost the best thing that has ever happened to me.

The last few days, he has lied about working though I find out he’s been going out with his friends. I don’t know what to do. How Can I Win my Boyfriend Back? Please help.

Ungrateful Girlfriend

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Ungrateful Girlfriend,

Sorry to hear that you lost love because you were not able to recognize it. Unfortunately, I hear a lot of women talk about how difficult it is to find love and often wonder if they cannot find love or just do not know how to recognize and appreciate it. Nevertheless, here are three strategies you can implement to win your boyfriend back. I am not guarantying that they will help you win your boyfriend back, but I have seen them work in other relationships.

Do Not Express Desperation

Generally speaking, men like women who are confident and are assured of themselves. Also, men like to commitment. With this in mind, express that you are committed to working on yourself and are committed to him and the relationship. However, do not come across as being desperate, which involves begging, pleading, crying and telling him that you are emotionally unhealthy.

And whatever you do, please do not give him the impression that you cannot live without him. This can potentially cause him to feel pressured and resentment could sneak in the relationship if he takes you back out of pity. Continue to live your life and express appreciation for attention that is given without being overly dramatic.

Make a Commitment to Self-Growth

The most effective way to persuade someone that you are relationship worthy is to focus on self-growth. Your ex-boyfriend will probably not give you a second chance just because you say that you were wrong. Acknowledging your shortcomings is one thing, but to work on them is another. Make a commitment to personal development. Engage in activities that enhance your self-awareness, mind, character and self-esteem.

You might be asking why did I mention self-esteem. Glad you asked. I mentioned self-esteem because a woman who chases a good man way probably has self-esteem issues. Some might be full of themselves and others might not think highly up themselves. Either way, your self-esteem probably affected your relationship. Commit to working on you before you expect someone to commit to you.

Give Him Space and Be Patient

When he was thinking about you, you were not thinking about him in the same way. Now, he probably needs some time to think about the relationship. If you want a chance at saving your relationship, give him space. Please do not jump into panic mode and try to pressure him because you are feeling insecure. The best thing that you can do is to be patient. Also, I would encourage you to think about the phrase, “Patience is a virtue.” The ability to wait without getting angry or desperate is a valuable quality.

Additionally, avoid having deep conversations about how you are feeling without him. Instead, show him how much you enjoy being with him when given the chance. Let him miss you while you work on you. Some people believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I agree. If he really loved you, I believe that he will return to you. However, you should highly consider “working” on you before you try “working” on the relationship. Finding love is sometimes easier than keeping it.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 216 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at


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