3 Reasons Why Convincing Yourself You Don’t Need a Commitment Is Dangerous

BY: - 25 Sep '17 | Relationships

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Do you feel like asking the man you’re dating when he’s going to commit to you is pressuring him to do something he doesn’t want to do? Do you “go along to get along” when he says he enjoys your company but isn’t in a rush to label things, even though you secretly fear he’s wasting your time and won’t ever commit?

If you said yes to either of these questions, and you’ve been dating a man for several months or even years without him sealing the deal, I want you to know you are playing a dangerous game with your life. I know you don’t want to nag him, but you’ll waste years of your life trying to convince yourself you don’t need commitment when you know in your heart you really want one.  Here are three reasons why:

Reason #1: He’s Not Being Honest, He’s Using A Disclaimer to Get What He Wants From You 

Let’s say you’ve been seeing a guy who treats you like a girlfriend. He calls you daily. He introduces you to his friends and family. He even calls you his “future.” But when you ask “what are we?” he says doesn’t like labels and just wants to go with the flow. You convince yourself he’s just being honest with you and that’s all you really need. But the reality is, he’s covering his behind when you find out he’s seeing someone else by using a disclaimer. His disclaimer may sound something like, Hey, I never said we were a couple! or “I enjoy your company, but…” He feels like his half-truth is enough to continue getting relationship privileges without any of the responsibilities!

In this relationship scenario, he’s not telling the whole truth because there are details about his life he’s NOT sharing with you. But he’s not the only one lying. You’re lying to yourself each time you take him back and you tell yourself you’re just having fun with him. Casual dating only works when both people are upfront with each other about the other people their seeing. If you want commitment don’t act like you don’t!

Reason #2: If He Likes It, Then He Should Put a Label On It

Defining the relationship isn’t just about having a cute title that allows you to update your relationship status on social media. It’s about having emotional security because each partner is entering into an agreement that they will do their best to meet each other’s needs.

A man who just wants to go with the flow and enjoy your company is basically saying he is unwilling or unable to meet your needs. Pay attention to the signs, girl! Don’t waste time hoping he’ll see how amazing you are because you’ll wake up months or even years from now realizing it’s just not gonna happen.

Reason #3: You’re Giving Him All The Power In The Relationship 

When you stay with a man who has told you through his actions and words that he’s not serious relationship material, you’re saying to him that his needs and opinions are superior to yours. You submit yourself to his desires and give him the power to control your future by:

  • Going along with plans you don’t agree with
  • Making relationship decisions from a place of fear and self-doubt
  • Apologizing for wanting “too much” from him
  • Avoiding tough conversations because you don’t want him to see you as nagging

You’re choosing somebody who isn’ choosing you, sis. Who has time to waste, dating men who are playing games? You can have love now, not years down the road when he gets ready. It’s time to reclaim your freedom and your power to choose how you spend your time and who you’ll spend it with. You deserve the commitment you desire, but you won’t get it if you’re acting like you don’t want it.

BMWK: Who should bring up the commitment talk first? The man or the woman? Why? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 154 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Who Should I Live My Life For So that I Can Achieve Marital Happiness?

BY: - 26 Sep '17 | Marriage

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I am writing because I am confused about how I should live my life. I am a 25 year old African American male and I am finding it more and more difficult to live a life of unhappiness. I do not have any really good role models.

Recently, I got married and continue to struggle. I cannot figure out how I should be living my life. My wife is demanding and wants me to live for her. She always wants me to put her first. I strive to do this, but often neglect myself. I want to live for myself as well. We are both Christians, but are having significant bonding problems because I cannot figure out how to live my life. I worship God and try to live for Him as well. Who Should I Live My Life For So that I Can Achieve Marital Happiness?

Living Life…Thanks, Doc

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Living Life,

I thank you for seeking guidance because everyone deserves to be happy in love and life. Your question is very profound because the manner in which you live your life will determine your happiness. You presented three ways that someone can live their life. First, you mentioned that you live for your wife. Second, you mentioned that you have a desire to live for yourself. Finally, you mentioned that you try to live for God.

Click Here to Join our FREE 5-Day Spiritual Intimacy Challenge

Based on my professional experience as a psychotherapist and personal experience as a husband and Christian, I believe that the best way to live life is for God. I say this because living for God helps put and keep things in perspective about life and love. I have provided therapy to thousands of individuals because they enter into marriage and believe that their personal needs are more important than their significant other’s needs. This causes individuals to lose focus of what marriage is all about – becoming and working as one flesh.

Becoming one flesh, which is at the heart of what marriage is, is a union that God himself performs. If you believe that God created man and woman to live as one flesh in marriage then you must believe that God must be at the center of your marriage. Given this, I believe that living for God will help you achieve marital happiness.

Living for God does not mean that you should neglect your husbandly duties or your own desires. In fact, living for God provides clarity and guidance about how to do the latter two things in a healthy and God driven manner. Colossians 1:27 reminds us that we are no longer alone because Christ lives in us. He is our power for living and our hope for the future. Furthermore, Matthew 6:33 states, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

It is not my intent to come across as being preachy. I just believe that a man’s role in marriage is to lead his wife and live in peace. I also believe that living for God is the only way that one can achieve these goals. During times of confusion, strive to fill your thoughts with God’s desires. Adopt his character for your pattern and obey him. If you do these things and teach your wife to do the same, you will come closer to achieving your goal of marital happiness.

Remember that God created your wife so that you can honor her and enjoy companionship, not to worship her. Live for God and continue to take advantage of the many resources that he has put before you. If you need help living for God, please seek spiritual and psychological counseling so that you can develop the appropriate skills.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 187 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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