Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Judge People Who Choose to Save Their Marriage After an Affair

BY: - 16 Oct '17 | Infidelity

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Let’s keep it real. In today’s society, it has become way too easy to slap judgment on someone for just about any reason.  Now imagine having the label of cheater.  Maybe you are like me and know all too well what that feels like so you don’t have to imagine. Well, the flip side of this is being the spouse who was cheated on. With judgments being freely handed down, there’s a different label for you.

Deciding to stay in a marriage after discovering your spouse has been unfaithful is by far one of the most perplexing problems in a marriage gone wrong.  Do I stay or do I go? Either decision is a difficult one. I know it was for me. Often times the betrayed spouse struggles deeply over the whole “stay vs. go” decision. If they have children, they have to take into account that the children’s lives will be forever changed too should they decide to divorce. But, when they decide to stay, they grant themselves the gift of becoming empowered to become both self-reflective and forgiving. And,

I can tell you from experience that people (including myself) who choose to stay with a spouse who has cheated are judged rather harshly, even shamed, for making such a decision.  Yet, there are many reasons such condemnation is unfair.

As a relationship coach and infidelity expert, I know from my own personal experience that cheating is one of the top reported reasons for seeking coaching.  And whether the cheating involved one person and/or a one-time occurrence vs. repeated cheating with the same person or multiple individuals, working through this temporary tragedy can transform the marriage. It did with our marriage!  The reason for this is cheating is usually symptomatic of deeper rooted problems the relationship had been experiencing before the infidelity took place. These problems only seem to come to light after the cheating is exposed.

So, despite their judgment, “outsiders” have no clue as to what exactly transpired that led to the cheating.It is important to understand that betrayed spouses stay for a multitude of reasons:

  • financial limitations,
  • fear or harming the children,
  • still being in love,
  • religious beliefs,

At some point, the betrayed spouse may come to realize the role he/she played in the creation of the marital distress and disconnection. Please understand I don’t condone cheating! But in an effort to keep it real, I would be remiss not to mention that this is a tough reality for most but a life changing reality critical to saving marriages.  Both spouses technically “co-created” the state of their union. It’s when they apply these insights to such occurrences that both spouses are capable of destroying, digging and rebuilding their marriage…together!

When I counsel couples where the man is the betrayer, the women usually own up to something such as:

  • never wanting sex,
  • prioritizing the children above their husband,
  • continuously criticizing their husbands

When the woman is the betrayer, men fessed up to:

  • prioritizing work above their wife,
  • ignoring their wives and/or not making them feel valued or special.

Both spouses shared struggles with addictions, conflict avoidance or simply not making time for each other. Digging deep to discover and scrutinize the influence of these behaviors can possibly get a couple to the core of the problems which left the marriage susceptible to cheating.

The spouse who cheated is not off the hook and still needs to take a long hard look at their behavior and role in the marital problems that may have led up to such a decision.  This spouse must be extremely remorseful for choosing to be unfaithful. They must also have a deep understanding of why and how the decision to cheat was made. If the motivation is lacking to do the hard work (from experience, expect this to be one of the hardest undertakings ever) both on oneself and for the sake of the marriage, the couple will remain vulnerable to more cheating.

Couples reserve the right to divorce if they see fit.  However, I do not advocate divorce unless it is obviously necessary or all avenues have been completely exhausted. Rather I’m advocating for opting to stay and WORK on your marriage as it involves incredible strength and commitment from both spouses.  The last thing these spouses need is to be judged or looked down upon for making the choice that is right for them and their family. They need you to know that you are not walking in their shoes. They need your compassion, support, understanding, and last, but certainly not least, your prayers.

About the author

Da-Nay Macklin wrote 47 articles on this blog.

Coach Da-Nay Macklin is a Certified Christian Life & Relationship Coach, founder of the Courageous Conquerors Mastermind and Author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted Available on Amazon She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity and a thought leader on maximizing potential as she assists couples and individuals to live life by design and not default. Da-Nay has been has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage, and named one of the 15 most powerful women on the south side of Chicago. She now resides in Charlotte, NC with her loving husband and daughter.

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After the Affair: 4 Scriptures to Reignite Your Faith and Save Your Marriage

BY: - 1 Nov '17 | Infidelity

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When a marriage goes through its ups and downs, where do you turn for guidance? I can honestly and wholeheartedly say to you that if it was not for my faith our marriage “Never Would Have Made It” through the storm! Glory to God our marriage not only survived the storm but we are lying under a beautiful rainbow covering!

See most married couples have it twisted.  Twisted in that they think they can do this marital thing alone or just the two of them. However, marriage is a God thing! Oh and when you recognize it is a God thing it become a good thing!

I knew that I could not do this alone.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong woman but even the strongest of us grow weak.  A wedding gift gave me life at one of the weakest times in my life.  A wedding gift that my husband’s aunt had blessed us with became my most cherished gift ever and would prove to save our marriage time and time again.

It is a beautiful bronze statue with praying hands, the cross, and the bible and it is engraved “ DA-NAY & CHRISTOPHER It Takes Three To Make A Marriage June 2006.”

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

My mother raised me Catholic and I went to church as far back as I can remember.  However, I strayed from my faith as a young adult and it definitely came “roaring back” when I learned of my husband’s affair in 2006.  I know that I would not have gotten through our infidelity had it not been for my faith and prayers of others.  It is vital that you be grounded in your faith and prayer life to fight for and save your marriage too.

I’m going to try to make a long story short and provide the very scriptures that supported and encouraged my faith to fight for our marriage and WIN!

Cry out for help!

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

Psalm 18:6 “But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I prayed to my God for help.  He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry to Him reached His ears.”

Tears poured from my eyes uncontrollably as I found myself on bended knee beside our bed praying to God. I began to frantically call out begging God at the top of my lungs to PLEASE HELP… “God please help me”, “God please help my husband”, and “God please help our marriage!”  God hears and answers prayers because in a matter of a few weeks He elevated me in such a way that I was able to pray for the other woman. Yep you read that right. “God please help __________ !”

Do Not Despair!

Psalm 50:15 Call upon me in the day of trouble; I shall rescue you, and you will honor me.

After crying out at the top of my lungs in desperation, I remember feeling so completely depleted and utterly exhausted that I fell to the floor in the fetal position. It would be safe to say that if anyone walked in and found me lying on the floor, they would say I needed rescuing!  I knew I needed rescuing and, luckily for me, the Lord knew it too.  One of my favorite scriptures began to play in my head reminding me that I was not in despair. I’ve learned to believe what God say’s about me, and if God says I’m not in despair, then who am I to argue with God?!

Remember Your Faith

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair

A majority of us, especially women dream of the “perfect” wedding which most take for granted and assume will naturally mean a “perfect” marriage.  Don’t get me wrong marriage can be glorious and gratifying!  At the same time, understand marriage is not for punks either!  Marriage is a life in and of its own.  It is a breathing bond in need of life-sustaining faith in order to weather the marriage.  Just like our bodies need water, our marriages need faith.

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Our natural faith is necessary and sufficiently effective to enable us to live day in and day out in our marriage.  However, it takes more to save a decaying marriage. It takes a special gift from God and that gift is your faith!

Trust the Power Behind Your Faith

Luke 17:6, “If you had faith even like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, be pulled up by the roots, and be planted in the sea, and it would obey you.”

Most mulberry trees are quite huge and immensely challenging to uproot by bare hands.  Luke was referring to a powerful faith found deep inside all of us…a saving kind of faith!  The same kind of faith that gives power, might, and strength to uproot a mulberry tree. So much so it can uproot a solid trunk of anguish in your marriage. No more small thinking here.  Like Luke, I believe that through your saving faith, you are more than capable of cleaning up the nastiest, stickiest mess that has built up between you and your spouse. We are living proof you can too!

This, for me, was only the beginning. Once I arrived at this point, God not only continued to guide me, but he gave me the strength to take the next steps. Stay tuned for part two of “After the Affair.”

BMWK, how have these scriptures helped you?

About the author

Da-Nay Macklin wrote 47 articles on this blog.

Coach Da-Nay Macklin is a Certified Christian Life & Relationship Coach, founder of the Courageous Conquerors Mastermind and Author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted Available on Amazon She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity and a thought leader on maximizing potential as she assists couples and individuals to live life by design and not default. Da-Nay has been has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage, and named one of the 15 most powerful women on the south side of Chicago. She now resides in Charlotte, NC with her loving husband and daughter.

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