Can a Marriage Survive Infidelity That Results in Childbirth?

BY: - 7 Nov '17 | Infidelity

Share this article!

TNMCoupleSadAngry_feature

Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I was reading one of your articles online at Black and Married With Kids. I have a question and/or need some direction on where to go for help in restoring my two year old marriage.

My husband told me of the affair two days post our annual anniversary trip with two other couples/friends. The news came to him by way of another couple that we know. A woman had a two-week-old baby that she claimed to be his. So he was basically forced to tell me before someone else did and said he had no knowledge of impregnating this woman.

It is okay to be confused. Whatever you do, do not compare your situation to anyone else’s.

He finally told me she was someone who works at the same place he works but in a different department. It’s so hard for me to believe that he hadn’t seen her at anytime since he had sex with her. Although I don’t believe she said anything to him about the pregnancy, because I think she wants to have him in the way I do. Her mother also works at the same place and told one of his family members that she didn’t tell him because of his situation but yet she told someone that knows our friends to make sure it gets back to both of us. Either way, it hurts. He claims it happened once and he made a terrible mistake, of course.

My question is, Can A Marriage Survive Infidelity that Results in Childbirth? Can my husband be trusted after putting my life on the line, having unprotected sex and also with this baby?

I know counseling is paramount but what type of counseling? Where do we look? Should I stay with him? Should he or I move out? I want to work things out but I’m not sure how to trust him. This will either make our marriage stronger or kill it. I’m confused.

Thanks in advance,

Betrayed and Confused Wife

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Betrayed and Confused Wife,

First, thanks for reading my articles and having the courage to ask for guidance.

Second, I will begin by telling you to keep your ears closed to people who do not speak life into you or your situation. I say this because some family members and friends will not hesitate to tell you to leave. Of course leaving is an option, but you must determine what is the best option for you. If you had your mind made up about leaving, you probably would not have expressed confusion. Also, people should spend more time listening to you and helping you process your distress. Be leery of people who push their agenda on you without trying to understand your agenda. Lastly, it is okay to be confused. Whatever you do, do not compare your situation to anyone else’s. Every situation is different and as a result you might need to handle your situation differently.

Third, marriages can survive infidelity that results in childbirth. I have seen it happen and have also facilitated the process. Of course, the most difficult part is rebuilding and restoring trust. You asked, “Can My Husband be Trusted after Putting My Life on the Line by Having Unprotected Sex?” It is true that he put your life on the line. However, he also put his own life on the line. I mention this to highlight that his recklessness was not solely intended to hurt you. Anyone who places his or herself in harms way has deeper issues.

Trusting him again will require him to gain some insight on how he can trust himself. Before you make any harsh decisions, I highly recommend that you listen to his rational. If he does not feel that he can trust himself, you will not be able to trust him either. It is apparent that he committed a sin and violated his marriage vows. However, the “Why” is what you want to understand before taking action. He committed adultery. Why? He did not mention the affair. “Why Not?” Be mindful that you are not looking for an answer that will satisfy. Understanding his “why” is not about satisfying you; it is about gaining clarity. You need clarity to help you minimize your confusion. Once the fog is lifted, you can think, feel and act rationally.

Fourth, seek professional counseling from a therapist who specializes in grief, anger management, and mourning. These emotions and behaviors are normal for individuals who experience infidelity. The therapist can help you work through your distress. Also, consider combining some spiritual counseling as well. I found that individuals who combine secular and spiritual counseling are better equipped to move forward. Secular counseling keeps you grounded in reality and spiritual counseling reminds you of the importance of allowing the Holy Spirit to guide you. You can find psychotherapists like myself who provide both secular and spiritual counseling on Psychology Today.

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

Lastly, Pray. I often remind individuals that regret happens when prayer does not. For some people, prayer does not resolve their emotional distress, but for others it is the pathway to God. Regardless of what happens between you and your husband, you must believe that each day can bring a new beginning. Listen to your heart and allow God to guide you.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 220 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress

Leave a Reply

Get
Infidelity Articles Delivered To Your Inbox Daily! Sign up below!

5 Signs You Could Be Cheating on Your Husband

BY: - 30 Nov '17 | Infidelity

Share this article!

TNMCoupleSneakyHugCheat_feature

It has become a well known fact that women cheat in relationships as often, if not more, than men. Though the stigma is more often attributed to the husband, wives shouldn’t get comfortable and think they can’t be found to step out on their men.

Typically, wives who cheat are said to do so emotionally rather than physically. While that may be true to some degree, it’s important to also be aware of both the emotional and physical missteps that can lead to an affair. So, what are some warning signs that you might be less than faithful to your spouse? Below are five that fly under the radar and might catch you off guard if you’re not careful.

Leaving Out Parts of a Conversation with a Male Friend

At first, it may start out innocently. But isn’t that usually how it goes. You and your husband’s best buddy “Jason” are having a conversation and he lets something inappropriate slip. You realize it but you either ignore it or respond flirtatiously. Whatever the case,  you don’t let your man in on that part of the conversation. You also fail to check “Jason” on his disrespect. That’s a sure sign your heart or your body is heading away from the relationship. If this is you, you could be cheating on your husband.

You are Unmoved if Another Woman Shows Interest in Your Husband

If you don’t care that another woman is trying to move in on your man, chances are you’ve got your own piece of action happening on the side. Needless to say, if the love was still strong, your jealousy would be through the roof. But somewhere along the line, you lost the emotional connection to your husband. You may not be physically involved with another man, but there is someone who is feeding your emotional desires. If this is you, you could be cheating on your husband.

You Find Reasons to Argue Almost Daily

Your husband has left his socks on the floor many times and you’ve never complained. All of a sudden, you take him to task and he’s left with his mouth hanging open. Whether it’s dishes in the sink, helping with the kids, or leaving the seat up in the bathroom, there’s an argument that needs to be had and you’re itching to get it started. While you’re all giggles and smiles around some other man, your husband has to deal with your incessant anger and criticism. If this is you, you could be cheating on your husband.

You No Longer Feel the Need to Serve Your Spouse

Breakfast in bed? Nope. Dinner on the Table? Nope. Late night booty call? Definitely Nope. The things you once gladly did to serve your spouse, you no longer desire to do them. They have become a nuisance or a hassle to you. Now, to fetch a cup of coffee for “Chris” at work is a joy and you have no problems doing it each day. When you pack your lunch at home, you make sure there’s extra, just in case “Chris” would like some. Finding ways to serve another man while your spouse is neglected is not a good look. If this is you, you could be cheating on your husband.

You Don’t Talk to Your Husband Like You Used To

There was a time when you couldn’t wait to tell your husband everything that had gone on in your day. The two of you would be chilling on the couch after a long day at work and you would talk or laugh or cry and then talk some more. These days, you barely say more than two words to him the entire day. If he tries to strike up a conversation, you are definitely not interested. Basically, what do you need to talk to him for when you’ve already shared these moments with another man? Maybe things haven’t gone too far yet, but your husband is definitely getting pushed out. If this is you, you could be cheating on your husband.

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

Don’t get me wrong. These things for sure could be a sign of dissatisfaction in the relationship without any act of wrongdoing. But, like I said earlier, cheating is not always about the physical. So, beware of these actions and the potential pitfall they pose to your marriage. Then, fix them.

BMWK, what other cheating signs should you watch out for?

 

About the author

Joann Fisher wrote 157 articles on this blog.

Joann Fisher has been a writer and editor for both print and online newpapers and magazines for the last 10 years. She now serves as a Writer/Editor at BMWK and lead Editor for The Joy Network.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress