Is He Soulmate Material? Here’s How You Can Tell

BY: - 21 Nov '17 | Relationships

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I have been in a relationship for 6 years. It started out wrong because my partner and I were both going through separations. We both agreed that we wanted to do things right by completely divorcing and then getting married one year later. I divorced first, but my partner started a new relationship behind my back.

Within the last year, he has moved in with another woman and has thrown me away like trash. I was directed to Facebook by a family member and found pictures of him and another woman. He continues to tell me that he loves me, but only stops by to see me 20 to 30 minutes at a time and provides no financial support.

Moral character should be the main character quality that you look for in selecting a soul mate.

We do not go on any dates and he does not spend any time with me. We had a very special relationship. He was the only guy who prayed with me and we shared everything as if we were best friends. I watched him get up and get on the prayer line every morning for the past 3 years. I do not understand why he betrayed me. My heart is broken and my world is shattered. I love him and know in my heart that he is my soul mate, but I am trying to stay away from him. I guess did not really know him. What Are Some Characteristics of a Soul Mate?

Broken Heart

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Broken Heart,

I am truly am sorry that you have experienced such betrayal and pain. I will not spend much time talking about your partner because I do not think that you should spend much time talking about him either. I realize that it is difficult to let go. However, letting go is in your best interest. Also, I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling to address potential self-worth and self-esteem issues.

Your partner showed you who he is and where he wants to be. I know that you think that he is your soul mate. Many women feel this way, especially when they have difficulty walking away. Imaging yourself without him is scary so thoughts of sticking with and fighting for him probably occur on a regular basis. I get and understand the feeling of having a romantic partner. However, I do not understand why you would want to be with someone who is not soul mate material. Let me explain my idea of what a soul mate is and is not.

In my estimate, I believe that a soul mate is someone who has a soul. The soul is a spiritual principle embodied in each human being. It is the part of us that consists of our mind, character, thoughts, and feelings. Given this, I define a soul mate as someone who is spiritually driven and is of sound mind and good moral character.

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Moral character should be the main character quality that you look for in selecting a soul mate.

  • Is he noble?
  • Does he possess certain attributes such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty and loyalty?
  • Does he keep you feeling high on love, not pain?

If the person you love causes you pain, then your love is being misdirected. Also, your soul mate should be able to relate to your emotional distress and demonstrate unwavering commitment to doing whatever is needed to comfort you. Finally, your soul mate should be a generous and pure hearted person.

Given my definition of a soul mate, it does not appear that your partner is soul mate material. He cheats, lies, and demonstrates total disregard for your feelings. The manner in which he is treating you is wrong. If he will not and cannot be a person of good moral character, then you should be that person and go against what you know is wrong. Staying with him would be wrong, so be courageous and true to you and move on.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 194 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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5 Peace Keeping Solutions for a Happy Holiday Season

BY: - 22 Nov '17 | Marriage

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The holidays can be one of the most exciting times of the year. After many months of being away from Grandma, you and your family will travel the three hours to her house for the best sweet potato pie this side of the world. Having had weeks to prepare to see your family, you just know that a good time will be had by all. Unless, of course, you and your husband, who just doesn’t get along with your favorite cousin NaeNae, can’t come to a meeting of the minds.

You have been looking forward with glee to the day you and NaeNae will see each other, giggle over old times like school girls, and leave the kids at the house while you go shopping for all things Christmas. But while you and NaeNae were busy making plans, Bae had plans of his own and he wasn’t trying to hear nothing about “that girl!” What should be a time of fun and peace is headed for disaster if something isn’t done, and fast!

Doing your due diligence could make for smooth sailing and good times for you and your spouse.

If this sounds remotely familiar, then you understand all of the mishaps that can come into play when you are trying to keep the peace over the holidays. No one wants to be on pins and needles around their spouse during the season “to be jolly,” especially when other family members are in the room. So, to take a preemptive strike and keep the peace with your spouse over the holidays, here are 5 things to start doing right now.

Admit There Could Be a Problem

The first step to any kind of recovery is to admit you’ve got a problem. Don’t underestimate the stress family and old surroundings can and has had on your relationship. If you face the issues head on before the holidays arrive, you’ll be better prepared to deal with the challenges as they come.

  • Be open and honest about the struggles you have around each other’s family members.
  • Keep it real about the changes you see in your spouse when they get around their kin
  • Discuss potential pitfalls and the tension that comes with them when back in your hometown

Don’t Forget to Pray

Once the talking’s over, let the prayers begin. The holidays should be a spiritual experience so starting them on your knees is not a bad idea. There are so many emotions that rise up during this time of year so praying over them together ensures you are both on the same page.

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Have a Secret Phrase

Regardless of how prepared you are, there are times when a person or a situation can still be too much. To keep yourself from losing it and wreaking havoc in the process, you and your spouse should have a custom made “SOS” signal and an escape route to go with it.

  • “Babe, can you make some more of those killer pancakes tomorrow?”
  • “Hon, I think I saw some oil leaking under the car.”
  • “I sure hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow.”

Whatever your phrase, make sure you have each other’s back when it’s time to roll.

Set a Schedule that Works

This is probably one of the most sensitive areas and can cause the most frustration. He wants to play ball with the fellas. She wants to go shopping with the ladies. No one wants to be hemmed up by the kids.  By setting a schedule and working out who’s got next when it comes to the kids, you significantly reduce the chances of getting caught up in your feelings.

Set Each Other Up to Win

While it may be fun for you to spend hours on end with NaeNae, it’s torture for your husband who could never see eye to eye with her. Rather than insisting he have a better attitude towards her, help him find peace elsewhere while you and NaeNae do your thing. By having a plan in advance for situations you know make each of you uncomfortable, you are set up to win and allow peace to reign.

No one wants to deal with chaos during the holidays. But being unprepared to handle problems that might arise will cause just that. Doing your due diligence could make for smooth sailing and good times for you and your spouse. And, maybe, just maybe, your season will be jolly after all!

BMWK, are you ready to keep the peace this holiday season?

About the author

Joann Fisher wrote 127 articles on this blog.

Joann Fisher has been a writer and editor for both print and online newpapers and magazines for the last 10 years. She now serves as a Writer/Editor at BMWK and lead Editor for The Joy Network.

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