“It’s Complicated”: 3 Social Media Mistakes That Can Negatively Impact Your Relationship Status

BY: - 20 Nov '17 | Relationships

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When you want to change your relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship,” social media can make your dating life complicated unnecessarily.  You follow him on Facebook to find out if he’s employed instead of just asking him questions directly; he cyberstalks you right after you connect on Match.com, liking photos and leaving comments on statuses, and you haven’t even had a date yet. Or, you’ve been dating for a while, and now you’re feeling some kind of way because you notice he leaves kissy face emojis on some other woman’s selfies and he won’t answer your texts even though you know he’s online right now.

Everybody’s doing it…but that doesn’t mean it’s normal to let social media replace good social skills. Scrolling, snapping and double tapping isn’t dating, and if you keep making the following 3 mistakes, you could stay single when you don’t want to be.

Mistake #1: Exchanging Instagram accounts instead of phone numbers when you first meet.

“What’s your Instagram?” has now replaced, “Can I have your phone number?” I know it goes down in the DMs, but I don’t recommend social media handles when you first meet someone for two reasons. First of all, it’s hard to establish personal boundaries with someone you just met if they can have access to some of your most personal photos and thoughts in one swipe.

Secondly, you set yourself up to be misjudged as a party animal because you posted one photo of you in Vegas, or as “high maintenance” because you post your upscale shopping trips in Dubai.
I had a bachelor turn down a date with a matchmaking client after he found the bachelorette on social media. He judged her virtual identity instead having a conversation with her, and it ruined a potentially great match. Another gentleman said he would’t go on a second date with a woman because her timeline was full of too many “duck lip” selfies. He was concerned she was self-centered and didn’t have many friends and, as a result, didn’t want to move forward with her. First impressions matter in real life and on social media!

Mistake #2:  Cyberstalking the person before a first date (or in between dates).

Researching someone before you go on a date with them isn’t always smart because you end up acting like an investigator instead of a person who really wants to enjoy getting to know someone. You start off a potential relationship with suspicion instead of anticipation, and that negative energy can ruin the chemistry and connection you must have in order for a first date to turn into a soulmate. 

Even if you don’t find anything incriminating, it can still feel strange that you know the names of your date’s parents, where he went to high school, what he wore to work yesterday and where his favorite food truck is located. Call me old-fashioned, but these are the things you’re supposed to discover while you’re dating each other, not because you played detective on his timeline.

Mistake #3: Ranting on your own social media accounts about dating and relationships

Ladies, you know that guy on Instagram whose timeline is full of memes complaining about how women just don’t recognize a good man when she sees one? Fellas, have you seen the woman whose Facebook account is a confusing mix of “Dear Future Husband” memes and “Men Ain’t Acting Right” photos? I’m willing to bet you think things like, “oooh, he’s jaded!” Or “Man, she’s bitter!” when you see status updates like that.

My advice is that you stop treating your social media account like a diary of your deepest, darkest thoughts about your relationship frustrations. You come across as insecure and undateable. It’s just not attractive! 

The bottom line is this: What would a new romantic interest think about your profile? Would you feel comfortable with what they see? Are they getting a good impression of you? And how would you feel if your date found out you were stalking them and asked you about it on a date?

Take a fresh look at your social media profiles through the eyes of a potential mate, and remember real relationships take place offline, but can be shaken by what someone discovers online.

BNWK: What are your social media rules with someone you’re just getting to know? Post them below!

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 178 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.


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Is He Soulmate Material? Here’s How You Can Tell

BY: - 21 Nov '17 | Relationships

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I have been in a relationship for 6 years. It started out wrong because my partner and I were both going through separations. We both agreed that we wanted to do things right by completely divorcing and then getting married one year later. I divorced first, but my partner started a new relationship behind my back.

Within the last year, he has moved in with another woman and has thrown me away like trash. I was directed to Facebook by a family member and found pictures of him and another woman. He continues to tell me that he loves me, but only stops by to see me 20 to 30 minutes at a time and provides no financial support.

Moral character should be the main character quality that you look for in selecting a soul mate.

We do not go on any dates and he does not spend any time with me. We had a very special relationship. He was the only guy who prayed with me and we shared everything as if we were best friends. I watched him get up and get on the prayer line every morning for the past 3 years. I do not understand why he betrayed me. My heart is broken and my world is shattered. I love him and know in my heart that he is my soul mate, but I am trying to stay away from him. I guess did not really know him. What Are Some Characteristics of a Soul Mate?

Broken Heart

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Broken Heart,

I am truly am sorry that you have experienced such betrayal and pain. I will not spend much time talking about your partner because I do not think that you should spend much time talking about him either. I realize that it is difficult to let go. However, letting go is in your best interest. Also, I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling to address potential self-worth and self-esteem issues.

Your partner showed you who he is and where he wants to be. I know that you think that he is your soul mate. Many women feel this way, especially when they have difficulty walking away. Imaging yourself without him is scary so thoughts of sticking with and fighting for him probably occur on a regular basis. I get and understand the feeling of having a romantic partner. However, I do not understand why you would want to be with someone who is not soul mate material. Let me explain my idea of what a soul mate is and is not.

In my estimate, I believe that a soul mate is someone who has a soul. The soul is a spiritual principle embodied in each human being. It is the part of us that consists of our mind, character, thoughts, and feelings. Given this, I define a soul mate as someone who is spiritually driven and is of sound mind and good moral character.

Click Here to Join our FREE 5-Day Spiritual Intimacy Challenge

Moral character should be the main character quality that you look for in selecting a soul mate.

  • Is he noble?
  • Does he possess certain attributes such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty and loyalty?
  • Does he keep you feeling high on love, not pain?

If the person you love causes you pain, then your love is being misdirected. Also, your soul mate should be able to relate to your emotional distress and demonstrate unwavering commitment to doing whatever is needed to comfort you. Finally, your soul mate should be a generous and pure hearted person.

Given my definition of a soul mate, it does not appear that your partner is soul mate material. He cheats, lies, and demonstrates total disregard for your feelings. The manner in which he is treating you is wrong. If he will not and cannot be a person of good moral character, then you should be that person and go against what you know is wrong. Staying with him would be wrong, so be courageous and true to you and move on.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 216 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.


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