What Should I Do to Create Sexual Bliss in My Sexless Marriage?

BY: - 14 Nov '17 | Intimacy

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I’m 30 years old my husband is 40 years old. We have been married for 2 years but together for 6. He is a nice guy and loves me very much. I love him because I know he loves me. Over the past year, we have had sex literally four times. Sex with him was never great, but it has become unbearable recently. I have never been physically attracted to him. Also, I do not get any satisfaction from making love to him. He is 130 lbs over weight, has smaller than average man parts and doesn’t participate in any foreplay (no touching, kissing, oral, nothing). Only one position and he lasts 10 minutes if I’m lucky. I’ve tried to express my feelings but he doesn’t get it.

Some of my friends say it’s the age difference, he doesn’t love me, he may have health issues, etc. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve thought about sleeping with someone just to get that need fulfilled. I’ve even thought of divorce. I do not want either one of these options but I’m losing sleep over this. What Should I Do To Create Sexual Bliss in My Sexless Marriage?

Thanks,

Sexless Wife

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Sexless Wife,

Sorry to hear that you are in a sexless marriage. Unfortunately, you are not alone. According to Newsweek, 15 to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a sexless marriage.

Although I do not specialize in sex therapy, I have provided counseling to individuals who were in sexless marriages. One of the many problems that I often address in therapy is the difference between love and intimacy.

You stated that you love your husband because he loves you. You also stated that you have never been attracted to him. Given these two statements, many people, including myself, are probably wondering “Why Did You Marry Him?” I assume it’s because of love.

Many individuals get married based on love and underestimate the importance of intimacy. Love is simply defined as a powerful, compassionate and intangible emotion that directs the hearts of women and men. However, love is an emotion that can remain stagnated if intimacy is not present. Intimacy must be present in order to have a marriage filled with sexual bliss. Sexual bliss is defined as happy and fulfilling sexual intercourse and bodily pleasure that occurs in a passionate and monogamous relationship with a loving partner.

I believe that the key to experiencing sexual bliss is to develop a marriage built on intimacy. Intimacy is defined as a secretive sexual relationship that involves a sense of deep emotional and spiritual connection with a close or warm partner. The key words in my definition are deep emotional and spiritual connection. Without a deep emotional and spiritual connection, sexual bliss is difficult to achieve.

In my book, “Unconditional Love: Give and Receive Unconditional Love and Make Your Marriage Last Forever,” I describe three levels of intimacy and also provide an intimacy assessment. Given your current situation, I would recommend that you secure a copy of my book, seek professional counseling and stop discussing your sex life with your friends. I know that you might find comfort in them, but the connection or lack of between you and your husband should not be girl talk.

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Here are six tips for creating and sustaining sexual bliss in your marriage.

  1. Conduct an assessment of your current level of intimacyDetermine if your marriage was built on or is operating on the right level of intimacy. Greater understanding increases the capacity for greater intimacy. This task can be accomplished by using my Marriage Intimacy Assessment (MIA).
  2. Focus less on physical intimacy and more on developing spiritual intimacy. Become a student of your spouse and learn about his emotional and spiritual needs. Be mindful that an in-depth and soulful connection with your husband outside the bedroom can lead to a blissful sexual relationship inside the bedroom.
  3. Make time in your schedule for sex. Make sex a priority in your marriage. Have a meeting with your husband and schedule sex dates.
  4. Pray for renewed and rejuvenated commitment. Think about the covenant that you made before God and use that as motivation to renew the romantic feelings for your husband.
  5. Remain resilient and do not give up. Resilient couples find solutions in problems. In contrast, troubled couples find problems in every solution.
  6. Seek counsel if you are struggling with creating or sustaining sexual bliss in your marriage. Instead of learning by trail and error, please get help. Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards. – Vernon Law

I pray that your sexless marriage turns into a marriage filled with sexual bliss. Remember that spiritual intimacy can intensify emotional and physical intimacy, but physical intimacy cannot intensify emotional or spiritual intimacy. Sexual bliss is a by-product of spiritual intimacy and harmony. Also, remember that the libido is powerful energy that provides temporary pleasure, but spiritual intimacy is life-changing energy that provides long lasting pleasure.

FREE RESOURCE: 31 Days of Scripture to Protect Your Marriage

Whatever you do, please do not cheat on your husband. I believe in karma and remind people that karma is not punishment; it is what they put in the atmosphere.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 200 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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10 Ways to Reclaim Your Time and Get Emotionally Intimate With Your Spouse

BY: - 4 Dec '17 | Intimacy

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Emotional intimacy is how close you feel emotionally to your spouse. It speaks to the type of connection that you share with one another, the non-sexual affection that you show, and how you communicate, openly and honestly. In its simplest terms, emotional intimacy speaks to the friendship that you share with your husband or your wife.

One of the most important ways to build that emotional connection to one another is to simply make time for one another. I know what you’re thinking: easier said than done. With work, kids, and every other obligation, we are already so overworked, overscheduled, over-everything, that finding enough time for each other is about as easy as finding a picture of a unicorn flying next to a bald eagle.

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But when we’re talking about making time for our spouses, we have to remember three very important things:

  • Making time for your marriage is not optional.
  • The quality of the time is just as important as the quantity.
  • You always have the time; you’re just making the decision to allocate it to something
    else.

Listed below are 10 ways to rescue some of your time back

  1. Say No. Help others, support friends, let your kids participate in activities, but don’t have so much of your time tied up in everyone else’s life that you’re neglecting your own. It’s ok to say, “I don’t have time for it.”
  1. Put the kids to sleep. Try to get your children in bed at least an hour before you so that you can make time for your spouse and do some things alone. If you have older children, let them know that after a certain time, they should be in their rooms, or just go in your own room after a certain time and close the door. Once kids are old enough to have some inkling about what may be happening behind a closed door, they’ll be a lot less likely to barge in.
  1. Don’t let the kids wake you up. You know what they say: the early bird gets the worm. If you aren’t night owls, grab some time at the other end of the day and try to get some alone time before the kids wake up or you have to head out the door to work.
  1. Make quick dinners during the week. Try to pre-make some of your meals during the week or on weekends. Make use of the crockpot. Have some go-to healthy standbys like store-bought rotisserie chicken that you can go for in a time crunch. There are lots of healthy recipes out there that won’t take all evening to create.

  1. Limit your time online. Whether you’re communicating on social media, browsing the web, or checking email, time online can be a huge time waster for a lot of people. In fact, most of us are probably spending a lot more non-productive time online than we think. For most of us, completely cutting out the internet for good or going cold turkey on social media is something that just isn’t happening. Instead commit to only spending X number of minutes online per day, or even better, create “connection free” spaces in your day and week and stick to them.
  1. Hang up the phone. Either stop talking so much or stop texting so much. Give your spouse some time in your day to have your undivided attention. If your phone doesn’t have a fancy “important people only” feature where you can screen your calls, do the next best thing and just turn it off for a few minutes while you get some couple time in. The rest of the world can wait.
  1. Hire help if you can afford it. If you can fit it into your budget, get someone to come in, even if only on occasion, to help clean, or cut grass, or do little tasks. You may even know a few older kids or teens that you can pay a few dollars to do things like put clothes away or wash dishes. Better yet, you may have a few kids living in your house that can take care of some of those tasks for free.
  1. Delegate if you can’t. If paying for household help is completely out of the question, find ways to divide up your workload. Try writing down everything that needs to be done throughout the week and dividing up tasks accordingly. Make sure that everyone has a role and again, don’t leave the kids out of the equation. Put those babies to work!
  1. Divide up time-consuming tasks The playroom in my house looks like hell. No, really, it looks like Satan came in and said, “I live here now,” spread out his toys, and did a little decorating. Instead of doing a complete overhaul, which would probably take me days of hard labor, I spend about 5 minutes in there every day cleaning and organizing. It’s not much, but chipping away at it a little at a time is starting to make it look a little more heavenly.
  1. Create an evening schedule for yourself. Write in 15 minutes. Stick to it. One of the best ways to ensure that you have 15 minutes to spend with your spouse is simply by making the commitment to do it. Think of something else you do without fail. Make your time together as essential to your day as taking a shower, eating dinner, or putting the kids to bed.


So, just 10 minutes out of your day devoted to your marriage is enough time to have an impact on your connection to your spouse. If you can’t find 10 minutes per day for your spouse, even five minutes in the morning and five minutes in the evening, then your priorities need to change. Remember, if you desire to have a strong marriage, taking care of it emotionally can never be an option.

BMWK, do you make time for emotional intimacy?

About the author

Aja Dorsey Jackson wrote 209 articles on this blog.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marriage educator in Baltimore, Maryland and author of the blog and book, Making Love in the Microwave.

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