3 Ways to Manifest Love in 2018 That Don’t Involve a Vision Board

BY: - 25 Dec '17 | Relationships

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If you are single, successful and beyond ready to manifest the love you desire into your life in 2018, then there is one popular New Year’s Resolution practice you must abandon immediately: creating a vision board.

I know it sounds crazy coming from me, especially since I’ve shared that a vision board helped me meet and marry my husband in 11 short months. Vision boards can be a great tool to help you visualize your magnificent love story, but, according to recent research on the pitfalls of positive visualization, spending so much time and effort cutting and pasting images for your board can actually sap you of the motivation to take action to get what you want. You’re less likely to reach your relationship goals if you spend too much time fantasizing and not enough time dating.

So, this year, I want you to put away your scissors and glue and pick up these 3 tools instead if you want to make 2018 the year that you experience extraordinary love.

Tool #1 – Set A Love Intention

If you’ve never set a love intention, it’s time to do it now. Intentions are different from goals because they focus less on the outcome and more on how you choose to feel on your journey. Since you can’t control how or when you’ll meet your dream partner, setting goals like “2018 is the year I’ll get married” can set you up for failure. An intention, however, will carry you through any disappointments because you’ll focus on what you can control: yourself.

For example, your relationship goal might be “I want to be married in 6 months.” You start using online dating apps to meet men, and because you want to be married in 6 months, you rush through conversations, trying to close the deal on a date, like you’d close a business deal in your career. You overlook glaring red flags and 3 months later, the relationship falls apart. Now you’re feeling panicked (or maybe even hopeless) about getting married because you only have 3 months left to hit your goal. You might quit dating altogether, or repeat the cycle of getting attached to quickly because your focused on the outcome, not the journey.

A relationship intention will guide you through your journey and release you from anxiety that comes from holding on tight to a deadline. Your intention may be, “I choose to be my most authentic, joyful, feminine self in every interaction with men.” You’ll learn to maximize your opportunities to meet men, date, and build relationships based on your level of authenticity, and not on how much time you want your journey to take.

Tool #2 – The “I No Longer” List

You’ll need to learn how to do relationships in a new way if you want a love-filled new year. An effective way to discover where your breakdowns are with men is to become a student of your past choices. It’s tough to look at your mistakes, but when you remember that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting a new result, you’ll embrace this tool wholeheartedly.

Grab a pen and paper and write across the top: “I No Longer.” Then, think about the challenges you faced in past relationships, the obstacles you let stop you from dating in 2017, and all the things you put up with in love and fill in the blank. I no longer __________.

Your list may look something like this:

I no longer…

  • Work 80 hours per week so that I can’t go on a date
  • Believe love “just happens.” I know I’ve got to take some actions to meet my future husband
  • Silence my voice to make the other person happy
  • Ignore red flags
  • Pretend I don’t want to be married and stay in a relationship for years without a commitment

Get the picture? With this list, you raise your standards for yourself and create new boundaries that will protect your intention to manifest love in the coming year.

Tool #3 – Create a Confidence Wall

A confidence wall is a collection of inspiring words, phrases and affirmations to keep you motivated on your journey to love and commitment. You can create one using an at-a-glance calendar and a stack of multi-color sticky notes. Write an affirmation like “I am worthy of love” on your pink post-it note, and tape it to your calendar. Then write a power word like “Passion,” on your purple note and glue it on your confidence wall. Keep writing phrases and quotes until you’ve filled up the calendar, and then hang it up in a private place that you’ll see everyday.

Use your confidence wall like a collection of love notes to yourself when you need a reminder to get back online after a first date didn’t go well. Or, you can use the wall as a positive trigger when your commitment fears arise ditch your old communication habits. You could recite your affirmations to yourself when you’re practicing self-care. The confidence wall is an excellent way for you to stick with your relationship intentions and create an atmosphere of love, excitement, and motivation all year long.

2018 is the year you make love a priority and take action to manifest in your life. If creating vision boards all these years hasn’t brought you any closer to the love you deserve, then make a decision to try a new approach.

BMWK, using a phrase like “I choose,” “I intend,” or “I create,” post your love intention for 2018 below.

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 160 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Why Do Black Men Get So Defensive When I Ask About Their Income?

BY: - 26 Dec '17 | Relationships

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I am a successful, black, single woman and I am looking for someone who matches my financial potential. I make six figures and have a good quality of life. Like so many other sisters, I am finding it more and more difficult to meet men who are on my level. I am open to dating men who do not make as much money as I do, but I am not open to dating men who do not make at least $70K a year.

Given this, I often find myself offending men when I ask how much money they make. I do not understand why they get so defensive. Anyone in there right mind would want to make sure that their financial foundation will not crumble by dating the wrong person. Please help me. Why Do Black Men Get So Defensive When I Inquire about Their Income or Money Making Potential?

Thanks,

Financially Stable Sister

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Financially Stable Sister,

As a black man who has encountered what you are describing, I can say that some of us get so defensive because a large percentage of women place more emphasis on our money making potential than on our personal qualities. We understand that personality does not pay bills, but we also understand that money and status cannot ensure or buy love. With this in mind, I highly recommend that you take the time to get to know the men before you size them up financially.

Some men understand that we have to provide for and/or help our ladies; but we also want to feel like our ladies are invested in us, not our wallets. Also, you might be surprised to learn that men with money do not like to be sized up. They may not react as strongly because they are probably more comfortable with being approached in this manner. Generally speaking, if a man perceives that you are solely about securing money and financial stability, he will guard his investments, savings and everything else. He might let “you in,” but he will not be transparent.

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Do not get me wrong; I believe that you should look for financial stability. I just do not think that you should look for it in a man’s wallet. In our society, we have difficulty with role reversal. If a man makes more money and takes care of his lady, everyone cheers him on. However, if he makes less money than his lady or fails to contribute in a significant manner financially, everyone chastises him.

Instead of inquiring about his income or money making potential, simply pay attention to how he lives his life. Regardless of how much money a man makes, he will not be any good to you if he does not know how to manage it. For example, a man who makes $120K can live the same quality of life as a man who makes $65K if he manages his money poorly.

Remember that people become defensive in an attempt to protect themselves from perceived or actual harm. Also, remember that inquiring about a man’s financial potential is not bad as long as you do it in a timely and thoughtful manner. Inquiring in a timely and thoughtful manner can reduce and/or minimize defensiveness. As the saying goes, “Its not what you do, but how you do it.” Lastly, please keep in mind that black men are under attack in most aspects of life and our money making potential has been and continues to be a sensitive/soft spot.

Continue to be a good steward over your finances and pay attention to the men you date; but do not forget to be a good steward over your heart. What a man makes financially is different than what he will share with you. Just make sure that you select a man who makes good money and does not allow his money to make him. If he guards his money, he will probably guard his heart as well. You probably do not need a man for his money, but you will definitely need his love.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 200 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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