I’m a Soulful, Single Man, but I Can’t Get that Girl: What am I Missing in My Approach?

BY: - 19 Dec '17 | Relationships

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I’m a young, single, and soulful black male who is attractive according to my female friends. I get a lot of girls’ numbers, but I can never seem to get past the first date. I grew up in a religious household, but other Christian girls won’t give me the time of day. I embrace the essence of life and I am a passionate young man. I do not understand what I am doing wrong. I’m a Soulful Single Man, but I Can’t Get That Girl: What Am I Missing in My Approach?

Please advise,

Soul Brother

Ask Dr. Buckingham

 Dear Soul Brother,

Unfortunately, there are thousands of brothers like you on the dating scene. What do I mean like you? Glad you asked. I am referring to Christian brothers who are full of soul and desire to be in a relationship, but cannot seem to “get that girl.” While there may be numerous reasons as to why this occurs, I will offer you three observations.

Observation #1: Stop Being So Serious.

Lighten up and laugh. Women like men who are serious, but also like men who can be cheerful. I am not sure if you come across as if the world is going to end tomorrow. However, if you do, please try to relax. Make the first date a fun date. Let them know that you can be a great protector and provider, but also let them know that you can enjoy life. Living life and enjoying life is not the same. One promotes a serious mentality and the other promotes a cheerful mentality. I often encourage guys to win women over one laugh at a time.

Observation #2: Monitor Your Conversations.

I will preface this statement by saying, I am not passing judgment; but sometimes, Christians can be a little heavy on the “religion/spiritual” talk. While it is important to praise, worship, and speak of God, I recommend that you assess where the young ladies are at spiritually and in life before you jump into Bible discussions.

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Have conversations about life, love, and relationships. Also, listen more and talk less in the beginning so that you can get to know what they like. By knowing what the young ladies like, you can direct the conversations in a positive manner and keep their attention.

Observation #3: Embrace the Swag Factor.

In today’s society, women are paying more attention to brothers who appear to have swag. A man who walks and behaves in a very confident manner is often appealing to women. You may have heard the saying, “good girls like bad boys.” Unfortunately, the idea of women being attracted to men with bad boy tendencies or swagger is somewhat true.

Generally speaking women have been socialized to believe that a dominant man is a real man. I did not say a controlling or abusive man, but a dominant man. Simply stated, they like men with swagger these days. In other words, a man who typically carries himself in a confident manner and speaks with conviction. Given this, I would encourage you to work on your swagger.

My swag factor includes dressing with confidence and appeal. Speaking with confidence and walking with my chin up. Lastly, I had to get my mind right. Swagger is a mind-set and individuals who have it know that they are worthy. With this in mind, I highly recommend that you read books and place yourself around men who are confident, not arrogant or ignorant.

I wish you the best on your journey toward “getting that girl.” Remember that your first impression can be your last impression, so make it a good one. Also, remember that God has already identified the right woman for you so do not chase women who are not worthy of being chased. While you work on you, make sure that the women you date are also working on themselves. All of us can benefit from modifying our approaches, but never compromise your values or beliefs in order to get that girl.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 220 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.


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3 Ways to Manifest Love in 2018 That Don’t Involve a Vision Board

BY: - 25 Dec '17 | Relationships

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If you are single, successful and beyond ready to manifest the love you desire into your life in 2018, then there is one popular New Year’s Resolution practice you must abandon immediately: creating a vision board.

I know it sounds crazy coming from me, especially since I’ve shared that a vision board helped me meet and marry my husband in 11 short months. Vision boards can be a great tool to help you visualize your magnificent love story, but, according to recent research on the pitfalls of positive visualization, spending so much time and effort cutting and pasting images for your board can actually sap you of the motivation to take action to get what you want. You’re less likely to reach your relationship goals if you spend too much time fantasizing and not enough time dating.

So, this year, I want you to put away your scissors and glue and pick up these 3 tools instead if you want to make 2018 the year that you experience extraordinary love.

Tool #1 – Set A Love Intention

If you’ve never set a love intention, it’s time to do it now. Intentions are different from goals because they focus less on the outcome and more on how you choose to feel on your journey. Since you can’t control how or when you’ll meet your dream partner, setting goals like “2018 is the year I’ll get married” can set you up for failure. An intention, however, will carry you through any disappointments because you’ll focus on what you can control: yourself.

For example, your relationship goal might be “I want to be married in 6 months.” You start using online dating apps to meet men, and because you want to be married in 6 months, you rush through conversations, trying to close the deal on a date, like you’d close a business deal in your career. You overlook glaring red flags and 3 months later, the relationship falls apart. Now you’re feeling panicked (or maybe even hopeless) about getting married because you only have 3 months left to hit your goal. You might quit dating altogether, or repeat the cycle of getting attached to quickly because your focused on the outcome, not the journey.

A relationship intention will guide you through your journey and release you from anxiety that comes from holding on tight to a deadline. Your intention may be, “I choose to be my most authentic, joyful, feminine self in every interaction with men.” You’ll learn to maximize your opportunities to meet men, date, and build relationships based on your level of authenticity, and not on how much time you want your journey to take.

Tool #2 – The “I No Longer” List

You’ll need to learn how to do relationships in a new way if you want a love-filled new year. An effective way to discover where your breakdowns are with men is to become a student of your past choices. It’s tough to look at your mistakes, but when you remember that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing expecting a new result, you’ll embrace this tool wholeheartedly.

Grab a pen and paper and write across the top: “I No Longer.” Then, think about the challenges you faced in past relationships, the obstacles you let stop you from dating in 2017, and all the things you put up with in love and fill in the blank. I no longer __________.

Your list may look something like this:

I no longer…

  • Work 80 hours per week so that I can’t go on a date
  • Believe love “just happens.” I know I’ve got to take some actions to meet my future husband
  • Silence my voice to make the other person happy
  • Ignore red flags
  • Pretend I don’t want to be married and stay in a relationship for years without a commitment

Get the picture? With this list, you raise your standards for yourself and create new boundaries that will protect your intention to manifest love in the coming year.

Tool #3 – Create a Confidence Wall

A confidence wall is a collection of inspiring words, phrases and affirmations to keep you motivated on your journey to love and commitment. You can create one using an at-a-glance calendar and a stack of multi-color sticky notes. Write an affirmation like “I am worthy of love” on your pink post-it note, and tape it to your calendar. Then write a power word like “Passion,” on your purple note and glue it on your confidence wall. Keep writing phrases and quotes until you’ve filled up the calendar, and then hang it up in a private place that you’ll see everyday.

Use your confidence wall like a collection of love notes to yourself when you need a reminder to get back online after a first date didn’t go well. Or, you can use the wall as a positive trigger when your commitment fears arise ditch your old communication habits. You could recite your affirmations to yourself when you’re practicing self-care. The confidence wall is an excellent way for you to stick with your relationship intentions and create an atmosphere of love, excitement, and motivation all year long.

2018 is the year you make love a priority and take action to manifest in your life. If creating vision boards all these years hasn’t brought you any closer to the love you deserve, then make a decision to try a new approach.

BMWK, using a phrase like “I choose,” “I intend,” or “I create,” post your love intention for 2018 below.

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 182 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.


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