Sisters: Consider These 3 Important Things Before Giving Up the Goods

BY: - 11 Dec '17 | Relationships

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By:  Radesha “Desh” Dixon

Sex is a natural part of human life.  We don’t have to deny it and we shouldn’t feel ashamed to talk about it.  As women, we’ve been so conditioned to think a certain way and act a certain way to be labeled as a ‘lady’ or a ‘good woman’ to ensure that we fit into society’s ideals of us.  And while I do believe that there are different classes of women, a woman should be free to say what’s on her mind without judgment in regards to sex, get her needs met, and live her life on her terms.

Even though I’m somewhat old school, it’s evident that times have changed and I think many would agree that the dating scene has changed.  I love that women have become more sexually liberated and less concerned about the societal judgment placed on them and not men.  In other words, the double standard.

Nonetheless, many women still desire to be married and have a family or desire a long-term committed relationship including myself.  Rightfully so.  But Queens… we have to be honest with ourselves about what some of us are doing.  We can’t complain about no good men and dead beat dads when we’re not making better decisions about who we choose to lay down with.  It’s a choice.  God blessed us with intuition.


With that being said, as you get older and mature, I would hope that you have learned some life lessons, grown to love yourself, honor yourself and recognize your worth as the Queen you are.  When we know better, we should do better.

So to minimize any increase in statistics about kids being born out of wedlock and random/casual flings (which likely leads to more broken homes) and the possible baggage that comes with it, I suggest that you look beyond the surface and short-term gratification and think about if he’s truly worthy of going to that intimate level with.  So when it comes to being romantically involved with a man, here are a few things to consider beforehand:

Does he see you as someone long term? Can you see yourself with him long term? 

I understand that everyone is not looking for something long term.  Friends with benefits and situationships seem to have become fairly common.  However, if you have sex with him and there’s an oops (unplanned pregnancy), are you prepared to possibly become a single mother?  Are you mentally and emotionally prepared to have to even consider whether you want to keep it or not?  There is no judgment.  But these are things to consider.

Before getting physical, let’s think about whether you and this man are on the same page about your level of commitment to each other.  Do you want to be involved with a man who may not see you as long term or you don’t see him as long term and there’s an oops?  Let’s hope not.

What do you know about him? Is he responsible in his own life?

I have heard of women that are involved with men who don’t know where he works or where he lives.  If you’re going to be intimate with a man, I think you should know some basic information about him.  If the man’s life is out of whack and he’s all over the place, he’s not stable.  Would you really want to be linked to someone like this?  How is he leading in his own life?  If he cannot take care of himself, he won’t be able to take care of you and a child.  Kids costs.  They also require time and energy.  Is he the father figure you’d choose when he isn’t responsible in his own life?  I hope not.

Do you want to add this soul tie to you?

When we are intimate with someone, there is an exchange.  You are taking on everything from him as he’s taking on everything from you.  Just as Candice Benbow states, “When you engage in sexual activity, you receive the spirit (or soul) of your partner.  Not only that, you also carry the spirits of your partner’s previous partners and their previous partners.”  Is he someone that you want to be energetically and spiritually connected with?  Sex was sacred at some point in time.  If we view it as something sacred to be shared with only someone truly worthy of it, then we’re likely to choose better.  And we will save ourselves a lot of headache.

Queens, please protect yourself.  Sex is a natural part of life.  We don’t have to act like it’s a bad thing.  But just because you may be horny doesn’t mean you have to act on it.  Before you lay down with a man, consider the things mentioned above.  And let’s not forget about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).  Many kids are being born from random sexcapades and that’s something in our control.

We should be mindful of who we’re involving ourselves with so we can have healthy relationships and provide examples of healthy relationships for future generations to come.  Some of you have princesses (daughters) already and they’re watching you.  They’re likely to follow what you do.  So as much you want them to ‘do as you say and not as you do’, it’s highly likely they’re going to mimic what you actually do.  So let’s be positive examples for future Queens to come.

About the Author: Radesha “Desh” Dixon is the Author of “No More Broken Records: 5 Tips To Change Your Tune and Transform Your Life” and Queens Don’t Settle: A Book of Poems To Empower Women, both available on Amazon. She is the Creator and Founder of No More Broken Records™, a movement to empower women not to settle. She was featured on the Huffington Post. Visit her website at You can connect with her on Facebook and Instagram. For a FREE chapter of her book, go to

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My Fiancée is a Nervous Wreck: Can Therapy or Medication Fix Her Anxious Behavior?

BY: - 12 Dec '17 | Relationships

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

My fiancée has issues with anxiety and I am not sure if I can cope with her issue for a lifetime. She is always anxious and her moodiness is driving me crazy. Whenever she feels overwhelmed, she shuts down and becomes unproductive. I asked her if we could start planning our wedding and she stated, “I got too much going on right now.” I am not sure what she is referring to regarding “too much” because she always says the same thing.

I knew she was an anxious person when I met her because she often complained of feeling nervous and on edge. She has not attended therapy, but she has been on medication for a few years now. I am not sure if the medication is helping her. I thought medication was supposed to change and improve her mental illness. Maybe I do not understand the medication thing. I am starting to feel uncertain about our future. Please advise. My Fiancée is a Nervous Wreck: Can Therapy or Medication Fix Her Anxious Behavior?

Thanks in advance,

Fiancé is Distress

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Fiancé in Distress

I am glad that you contacted me. In order for you to help your fiancée cope effectively with her anxiety, you have to understand the problem. Unfortunately, learning about and understanding mental illness is not something that most people work at. Your fiancée’s anxiety could be caused by medical problems such as too much or too little calcium, low blood sugar or heart problems. From a psychological perspective, it could be caused by her way of thinking or cognitive processing. Generally speaking, anxious people have difficulty with turning their minds off. Also, they typically engage in “what if” thinking which cause them to spend a great deal of time thinking instead of acting.

In order to help individuals minimize symptoms of anxiety, professionals like myself often recommend participation in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and medication treatment. CBT is designed to help address negative and distorted thoughts. Cognitive therapy explores how negative thoughts contribute to anxiety and behavior therapy explores how individuals behave and react in situations that trigger anxiety. The basic premise of cognitive behavior therapy is that our way of thinking affects how we feel, not external events. Given this, therapy cannot fix your fiancée’s anxious behavior, but it can help her develop effective cognitive and behavioral skills that can minimize the effect that anxiety has on her and your relationship.

In regards to medication, the answer to your question is also no. Medications such as Celexa, Prozac, Zoloft, Ativan and Effexor are commonly used to treat anxiety because they can help in preventing and reducing symptoms. However, no medication can fix your fiancée’s anxious behavior. Medication works as an internal agent that helps with physiological problems. Certain medications can help individuals relax enough so that they can process or think clearly.

As you continue to educate yourself, just know that there is no such thing as ‘Fixing” a human being. This kind of thinking is what causes thousands of individuals to enter their marriage believing that they can change their significant other. As a therapist, I often remind people that therapy and medication are tools to help individuals cope more effectively with their mental illness or physiological challenges.

Your fiancée’s anxious behavior will probably not change anytime soon. Therefore, if you desire to help her and yourself, please consult with a professional therapist who can help you make an informed decision about how to move forward.

Being with someone with a mental illness is definitely not a life sentence to unhappiness, but it can be challenging at times. Please remember that love will get you married, but unconditional love must be present in order to keep you married. Educating yourself about your fiancée’s mental illness is the best thing that you can do for you and her. Make sure that you are in it to win it before you say I do. Some people get it twisted, but through sickness and health means mental health as well.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 206 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at


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