3 Easy Solutions to Cure Your Loneliness When You’re Single

BY: - 15 Jan '18 | Relationships

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“I fought so hard to get this house,” she told me. “But when I come home after a long day of work and I look at the hinges hanging off the doors, I think to myself, ‘do I really have to do this thing called life on my own?!'”

The words from this powerful, strong, successful sista were familiar to me. As a dating coach who works intimately with single Black women, I’ve borne witness to how the pain of loneliness affects a sister’s daily life, and I’ve worked hard to create a safe space so that women can give voice to this pain, because if we’re honest, most advice only puts a band-aid on the deep, unfulfilled longings of their heart.

I want to help you with real solutions to help you cure your loneliness and heal your hope so that no matter what your relationship status is, your life is full of joy and anticipation.

1) Curate Community

Just because you’re an independent woman, doesn’t mean you were meant to rely solely on yourself to meet all of your needs. Besides, you can’t keep being the responsible one everyone else turns to when they’re in a crisis and never have someone to take care of you. Self-care is necessary, but it can only take you so far. You need a squad who can uplift you when you’re down.

I want you to think carefully about who you will bring into your circle. These men and women should hold themselves to the highest integrity; they should respect and honor you; they should be able to tell you the truth, even if you don’t feel like hearing it; and they should be in sync with you so that even if you don’t ask for help, they see when you’re in need and will come to your aid. Once you’ve identified them, call them up today and tell them how they can support you. Feeling seen and supported is a phenomenal way to beat back loneliness.

2) Stop Hiding Behind “Busyness”

Let’s keep it real: you use busyness to distract you from loneliness. But working 60… 70… 80 hours per week will only cause more problems in your life. I’ve seen it firsthand with my clients who manifest health challenges, financial burdens, and an overall lack of fulfillment because they don’t have time for things that fill them up with joy, much less, time to date!

Give yourself time and space to just be. I know that can be scary if you’re trying to avoid so-called negative feelings like sadness, fear, and anxiety about your single status, so let me give you a powerful coaching tool: Finish your feelings! The only reason emotions feel so overwhelming is because we stuff them down or numb them out and when they do get triggered, they slam us like a tsunami. It’s safe to give your feelings a voice. When you do, you’ll notice you won’t need to stay busy so much. You may even have time to date!

3) Give Yourself Permission to Indulge in Pleasure

Desire isn’t a dirty word, sis. I’ve noticed that many single women who are struggling with loneliness have been denying themselves the simple pleasures of life. Oh, I know you travel to exotic places several times a year, you get mani’s and pedi’s, and you treat yourself to fine dining and luxury gifts. But grooming yourself is not the same as an indulgence (and truth be told, many people go on vacation to escape the stresses of their life). I want you to give yourself permission to indulge in pleasure every single day.

For example, have you been working like a dog trying to get that last bit of money to buy a house or retire early, thinking you’ll take a break and enjoy life after you’re done? Then you’re denying yourself the pleasure of stillness with a cup of tea in the morning. Or, have you decided you won’t date more than one person because you have an intention to get married and you don’t want to waste your time? Then you’re denying yourself the pleasure of a man’s company over dinner, and you could be missing out on fun experiences, even if they don’t lead you to the altar.

Pleasure fills the void by reminding you that it’s the present moment that matters and re-acquaints you with the sensation of joy. You can’t feel loneliness and joy at the same time. So, create a daily joy ritual to beat back those lonely feelings.

You have valiantly dealt with being single, and you’ve created an amazing life. It’s ok, sis, to admit how tiresome, lonely and boring it can often be to live life while you’re waiting for your relationship status to change. I want you to know that I see you and that I’m here for you.

BMWK, Do you have a community to support you when you’re feeling lonely? What else do you feel you need to help cure your loneliness?

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 165 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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3 Reasons Couples Get Divorced in January and How You Can Avoid It

BY: - 18 Jan '18 | Marriage

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No one ever wants to imagine that the joy of saying “I do” will one day end in a trip to the courthouse with a request to call it quits. Before getting married, many couples foresee a lifetime of love peppered with challenges. In their hearts and minds, each couple is convinced there is nothing that they can’t overcome. Yet statistics tell us that these days, half of all marriages end in divorce. For one reason or another, 50 percent of “I do’s” end in “I don’ts” regardless of whether or not it’s their first trip down the aisle. But there’s another nifty stat that many don’t know about. January has become known as Divorce Month.

Yes. It’s true. Annually, by and large, most divorces occur in January. We wanted to try to understand why that happened and what are some steps couples can take to avoid it. The truth is that by the time January rolls around 99 percent of couples who want a divorce can tell you exactly when they decided to get one. But, they wait. Following are some of the reasons why.

Happy Holidays for the Children

While it’s true that January has become known as Divorce Month, it’s also true that most of the divorces involve couples who have children together. As a result, they make a commitment to allow the kids to enjoy one last happy holiday before calling it quits. If the children are oblivious to the poor state of the marriage, chances are it will be easier to pull off and things can go as planned. However, if they are aware of the pending split, it will be a tough holiday no matter how hard they try.

New Year, New Life

Of the resolutions one can make for the new year, this has to be one of the most drastic. For many couples who feel they have endured the relationship long enough, starting off the new year unattached seems like just the thing to do. As a result, many find themselves eager to get it over with and start fresh and for them, January is the perfect month to be out with the old and in with the new.

Emotionally Charged and Ready to Go

Regardless of where their relationships stand, there are a ton of emotions that people go through at the end of an old and the beginning of a new year. When those emotions take over, couples find themselves making extreme and aggressive decisions. If the relationship has been on the cliff for some time, they can decide it’s time to send it over the edge if emotions are running high.

These reasons are real for many couples and January provides that sense of relief that comes with starting fresh. But, it can also be very deceptive. For couples who find their relationship taking its last breath, January might well be the month to try to figure out where things went wrong.

  • Acknowledge their individual role in the demise of the relationship
  • Talk openly and honestly before they pursue divorce
  • Since staying together for the kids is a lie anyway, figure out how they got to where they are
  • Explore the things they loved about each other in the first place and see if they still exist
  • Re-introduce the things into their relationship that made it strong
  • Seek professional help and act on the counselor’s recommendations

Probably the most important argument to be made for holding off is to admit that conflicts have been going on for awhile. Recognize that at the beginning of the year, emotions are running high and they are most likely acting on raw emotion rather than seeing the possibility for reconciliation. They should pause before taking the leap into divorce court. It’s been said that one should never make important and drastic decisions when emotions are at their peak. In this situation, I’d say that couldn’t be truer.

BMWK, did you know that many relationships kicked the can in January? Is yours one of them?

About the author

Joann Fisher wrote 139 articles on this blog.

Joann Fisher has been a writer and editor for both print and online newpapers and magazines for the last 10 years. She now serves as a Writer/Editor at BMWK and lead Editor for The Joy Network.

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