Truth Bomb: The “Spirit of Girlfriend” Isn’t The Reason Why You’re Still Single

BY: - 29 Jan '18 | Faith

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R&B superstar Ciara ignited a Twitter firestorm when she retweeted a meme featuring a clip of Pastor John Gray’s 2016 message to single women about why marriage is elusive for them. In this message, he insinuated that if a man hasn’t put a ring on it yet, it’s because you’re walking in the “spirit of girlfriend,” instead of acting like a wife. He said:

“Here’s what the scripture says. He that finds a wife finds a good thing. It didn’t say he that finds a woman that he’s attracted to, that he then begins to date, who he then calls a girlfriend, who he then buys a ring, proposes, and makes her his fiancé, who he then marries later, who becomes his wife.  You’re not a wife when I marry you, you’re a wife when I find you. You become my wife when I marry you. But a wife is not the presence of a ring, it’s the presence of your character. Ask the Lord to deliver you from that spirit, and carry yourself like you are already taken. And I promise you when you carry yourself like a wife, a husband will find you.”

Ciara’s retweet of this message, along with the hashtag, #LevelUp, made many sisters feel she had forgotten her own messy relationship struggles with Future and was pointing to her public (and celibate) courtship and marriage to NFL star Russell Wilson as a sign she was on another level of worthiness as a woman. And while Ciara clarified her post, saying #LevelUp was about learning to love herself, sisters weren’t buying it because they’ve been inundated with this message that marriage is a reward from God for their “good behavior” as a woman.

As a dating coach, relationship expert for successful, smart sisters (and a happily married woman of 11 years), I’d like to drop a truth bomb about why you’re still single that has nothing to do with Pastor John Gray’s “spirit of girlfriend” (which to me sounds like the church-approved way of saying “you can’t turn a ho into a housewife”). If you sit with the paradigm-shifting concept I’m going to share with you and let it sink in, it might set you free!

No matter the level of success a sister has created, by the time she reaches out to me for expert guidance on attracting a mate, she inevitably asks me, “What’s wrong with me, Dr. Aesha? Why am I still single?” Since Black women are considered one of the most religious groups in the nation,  chances are she learned to blame herself for her perceived failure to find a husband from her spiritual leaders. Can you relate?

It’s not like you haven’t tried to #LevelUp. You’ve read books, attended conferences, and worked on yourself, trying to discover the “missing piece” that would finally bring your mate to you  You’ve tried to change your personality, act more submissive, learn to cook, downplay your financial success, abstain from sex, serve your communities and avoid dating altogether, all so you could embody the “character of wife” Pastor John Gray talks about.

There’s nothing wrong with investing in your personal development. But if you believe that marriage is a reward for your faithfulness, you’ll feel disillusioned when your efforts don’t produce a life partner. Jealousy, comparison, competition, and self-blame are all cousins to the disappointment you feel as you wonder why your best friend got married and she wasn’t even celibate! In fact, her love story looked more like Cardi B’s than Ciara’s, and you can’t figure out why you’re still single.

Truth Bomb: There’s Nothing Wrong With You If You’re Still Single

Your single status doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. You don’t have to fix anything to be worthy of love. However, you may need to unlearn some things, such as the belief that there’s such a thing as “wife material” (in my expert opinion, the intention and desire to be married makes you wife material), or that the dating process of going from attraction to girlfriend, to fiancé, to wife, is wrong; or that getting the ring is a reward for being a quality woman; or that there’s only one perfect match out there for you and if you don’t get it right, you could miss out on getting married.

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In fact, Dr. John Grey–not to be confused with Pastor Gray–is a world-renowned relationship expert and author of the bestselling book, Women Are From Venus, Men Are From Mars. He suggests that the search for your one true love, aka your soulmate, can keep you “stuck in singlehood.” He continues:

“The truth is that you come to a relationship — all relationships —  as a full and complete person. Instead of completing a missing part of yourself, what soul mate relationships do is give you an opportunity to experience the parts of yourself that come alive inside of a relationship, parts that don’t have a reason or purpose to exist without this relationship.” 

Dr. Grey explains that having a child awakens the parent in you. You wouldn’t need to develop parenting skills until the child came along. And, you wouldn’t walk like a parent so that God would send you a child, would you? So by extension, you won’t know what it means to be a wife until you actually get married! Let that sink in.

There’s no real way to act like a wife until you actually become one.

If you look at relationships from Dr. Grey’s perspective instead of Pastor Gray’s preaching, you may have peace about your own journey. Dating becomes a spiritual and personal growth process where you discover which person best awakens those areas of your soul that are aligned with who you want to be, and the life you want to live. You’ll stop trying so hard to fix yourself and the fear of missing out on the perfect person will leave you. You might even have fun dating and meeting new people and your hope that love is possible for you will come alive again.

BMWK, what did you think about Ciara reposting John Gray’s message? Do you believe a woman has to be “wife material” in order to get married? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 178 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Why “Just” Praying For Your Marriage Doesn’t Work

BY: - 5 Mar '18 | Faith

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By: Dr. Alduan Tartt

Now before you shoot me, let me scream to the top of my lungs… “I believe in the power of prayer!” I have seen God do too many amazing things in my life to believe otherwise. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that…Prayer Changes Things! James 5:16 states it clearly, “Confess your faults to one another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man (woman) availeth much.”

However, as a psychologist who works with couples every day I see Christian couples often ask, “Why is my marriage stressful if we are both Christians and pray?” It’s a good question because intellectually, we believe that being a Christian and praying each night should be enough to make marriage (and life for that matter) work.

If you think about it, however, you realize that it really doesn’t make much practical sense. For example, do you believe that being a Christian and praying nightly will make you a great…Business owner…  Real estate agent…  Athlete…  Chef…without also doing the work?

Of course not.

FREE WEBINAR – Wednesday, May 23, 2018: The Four Biggest Marriage Killers of Christian Marriages in 2018 – SIGN UP TODAY

In order to be great at business, real estate, sports and cooking you have to put in the necessary work to develop and hone your skills. What does the Bible say about hard work? James 2:14-18 says “What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? Thus, also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith, and I have works.” Show me your faith without your works, and I will show you my faith by my works.

In this short passage, the word “works” appears five times. So, it appears to me that God commands believers to exhibit faith and works. In fact, our works serve as evidence of our faith. How does this apply to Christian marriage? I’ll answer your question with a question…

How does it benefit your marriage if you are praying but…

  • Using abusive language towards your wife…?
  • Haven’t been on date with your spouse in months?
  • Not having sex with your spouse so that your mutual intimacy needs can be met?
  • Giving more attention to work, a smart phone, or social media versus your helpmate?
  • You shut down, walk out or over talk your spouse while trying to resolve conflict?

The answer is obvious…It doesn’t. The real truth is that in order for your marriage to work, you must also behave as a Godly couple. This means that you must combine faith, prayer, and works. What do I mean by works?

Wednesday, May 23, 2018: Fix Your Marriage in 2018 with this FREE ONLINE TRAINING

You have to follow God’s instructions on how to develop and maintain a Godly marriage. Specifically, you have to learn the necessary marital, relationship skills to successfully build communication, intimacy, quality time, and fellowship that defines a Godly marriage. “Just praying” for your marriage is unacceptable and only part of the equation when God is demanding you to take action!

  • Didn’t Paul actually have to send letters and visit churches around the world to establish the Church?
  • Didn’t Queen Esther have to actually coordinate that dinner to expose Haman to save her
    people?
  • Didn’t Peter have to actually evangelize after betraying his savior three times?

The answer is yes, yes, and yes! And you must do the same. You must put in work on your marriage for it to work and combine that with the power of prayer. The question I have for you is when would be a good time for you to work on your marriage? I mean really work on your marriage by building up your relationship skills as a couple so that you can have a strong Godly marriage?

I talk about this is in a system I call, The Fix My Marriage System where you’ll learn how to:

  1. Improve your communication skills so you can actually listen to your spouse
  2. How to resolve conflict without fighting and ruining your peace of mind
  3. How to rebuild trust and improve intimacy

First, however, I want to invite you to a FREE webinar entitled, “The Four Biggest Marriage Killers of Christian Marriages in 2018.” I want your marriages to thrive! Check out this page for more information on how to register and reserve your slot. The webinar will take place on Wednesday, May 23rd at 9PM ET.

We had many disappointed people last month because they registered too late and couldn’t
register so sign up now and text your spouse to watch with you. Register here for more information on how to fix and strengthen your marriage. You don’t have to spend another night going to bed angry.

Here’s what happens next…You sign up for the webinar here and I’ll teach you the 4 Biggest  Marriage Killers so you can avoid them and your marriage can be blessed. One more thing, I’ll send you a gift, 99 Scriptures For Building a Strong Godly Marriage, right to your inbox for you to study as a couple just for signing up.

Sign up here to avoid the common mistakes Christian couples make to stress out their marriage
and claim your free gift. Remember, God wants your marriage to thrive! I want to help you learn the skills to make marriage easier, more fulfilling and peaceful.

God Bless!

BMWK, are you ready to get rid of the marriage killers?

About the Author: Dr. Alduan Tartt is a clinical psychologist with a focus on faith, mental health and relationships of all sorts (single, dating, marriage, family, sports, etc.). Dr. Tartt has a private practice and also speaks frequently at conferences, churches, organizations on improving relationships, families and mental health. Dr. Tartt also hosts radio and television shows and is a frequent guest on major media outlets. Dr. Tartt also counsels other healers and helpers (pastors, ministers, doctors, entertainers) who need to be encouraged, supported and filled up.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1255 articles on this blog.

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