Five Lies You Tell Yourself When You Decide to Cheat

BY: - 17 Jan '18 | Infidelity

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Lies. Lies. Lies. When you make a decision to go outside of your relationship with your spouse to get a certain need met that you are convinced you can’t have met within your marriage, you usually come up with some excuse that, on the surface, appears plausible. Well, let me cut straight to it. You are only telling yourself lies, lies, lies. For instance, here’s an infidelity coaching call with a client where she felt led to share her affair justification.

“After meeting _________ (affair partner), he inquired if I ever considered being a Director.  I was taken aback by his view and confidence in my ability to perform in such a role.  Truth be told, I was extremely flattered considering how hard I worked to become a Manager. The compliments and belief in me kept coming and kept flattering me, so much so I became engulfed in his narrative.  He then sought my advice both professionally as well as personally.  I felt so valued both personally and professionally by him that our exchanges turned our emotional affair into a physical affair” 

“Did you feel bad about what you were doing?” I asked.

“Not really. I was brought up to believe if you genuinely loved your spouse you would not cheat. Therefore, I believe that is why I told myself repeatedly that if I truly loved my husband then I wouldn’t be cheating on him.  I looked back on our marriage and relationship from the beginning and can’t recall ever feeling for my husband the way I feel for ________ (affair partner).  So I told myself this must be divine, he’must be my soul mate.  I hadn’t been happy in the marriage for years.  This feels so right!  How could it possibly be wrong?”

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

So what makes a spouse decide to cheat? How do they rationalize their thinking?  Some spouses justify their infidelity by convincing themselves they never cheated. As long as they don’t break their own self-generated rules regarding extramarital involvement, then they avoid feeling like they’ve done something wrong. They will somehow find a way to give an erroneous justification for their behavior. These justifications are thought patterns that push away guilt and allow the wayward spouse to deceive themselves into thinking they have little or no responsibility for their choices.

JUSTIFICATION #1:  “Clearly I married the wrong person.”

Did you think you married the wrong person before the affair? Or did a magical light bulb all of a sudden go off after the affair?  Our experiences taught my husband and me that there is no way our 16 years of marriage could begin to match the steamy hot & heavy phase that is year 1 of a relationship/marriage. Expectations and needs that go unfulfilled often leave spouses feeling they somehow made a mistake. Unresolved issues are excellent catalysts to justify our choices to cheat.

JUSTIFICATION #2:  “Yes. I finally found my true soul mate.”

When we grow up with “Happily Ever After” fairy tales, soul mates must exist…right?  We often use love and the idea of love to be the best justification of all. We live in a society where instant gratification is the norm so we tell ourselves that all yearnings and desires must be satisfied? The consequences of infidelity are repressed under the fantasy of falling in love, with little to no regard for our spouses.

We fail to see the selfishness of seeking our own happiness at the expense of our mate and forget they’ve continued to be with us even after the hot flames of romance have settled into glowing embers. When our own marriage hits the skids, we tend to look elsewhere rather than looking in the mirror. Much worse, we easily find a ‘vanity mirror’ like an affair partner to make us feel great about ourselves, rather than a make-up mirror which tends to reflect our own personal blemishes.

JUSTIFICATION #3: “What he/she doesn’t know won’t hurt them.”

Hurt is hurt, so thinking others won’t get hurt as long as you keep it hush-hush only serves to push away guilt. Infidelity is never without consequences, trust me I know this all too well.  The very definition of infidelity is the keeping of secrets while intimacy means “into-me-see.”

Intimacy is a willingness to be fully known and to fully know another. How can that happen as long as you’re keeping secrets AND in charge of what information your spouse knows about you? Whether or not you get caught doesn’t change the disconnection that occurs for your mate as you close yourself off to them in order to give yourself to another.

JUSTIFICATION #4: “I love my spouse but I’m not in love with my spouse.”

This justification is based on the idea that marriage is about being “in love.” Marriage requires both spouses to DEVELOP a vision of love that lasts far beyond the “in love” infancy stage.  The foundation of marriage is not feelings. Rather, it is choice and commitment. It’s easy to stay with someone if you love the way they make you feel. However, when life is hard and your spouse disappoints, unless you have a deeper understanding of love, it won’t be long until the justification of “being in love” surfaces.

JUSTIFICATION #5: “I didn’t have sex.”

While these people are committed to stay, they are not committed not to stray. For example, a husband may abstain from intercourse, but participate in oral sex since he might think “it’s not sex.”  In his mind, he’s not really “having an affair.” A wife may disclose her inner-most thoughts and feelings to a man at work while leaving her husband clueless. She may justify an emotional affair as not “counting” as cheating so she frees herself to continue her behavior without remorse. While this justification may allow for the unfaithful mate to avoid guilt, it won’t protect their mate from feelings of betrayal.

Make no mistake, when you decide to cheat, you make a conscious decision to betray the commitment and vow you pledged at the altar before God and man. There is no justification for it…only lies, lies, lies.

BMWK, are you lying to yourself before stepping out on your spouse?

About the author

Da-Nay Macklin wrote 53 articles on this blog.

Coach Da-Nay Macklin is a Certified Christian Life & Relationship Coach, founder of the Courageous Conquerors Mastermind and Author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted Available on Amazon She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity and a thought leader on maximizing potential as she assists couples and individuals to live life by design and not default. Da-Nay has been has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage, and named one of the 15 most powerful women on the south side of Chicago. She now resides in Charlotte, NC with her loving husband and daughter.

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Here’s the One Thing You Must Do If Your Spouse Is Cheating

BY: - 31 Jan '18 | Infidelity

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Have you reached a point in your marriage where you suspect something shady’s going on but you’re not sure? Now, you simply have to know what’s really going on?

Like I always say, “You cannot conquer that which you will not confront.” So, in this article that is part of chapter four (Confront & Conquer) in my book entitled Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted I reveal ways to gather the courage you need to confront your spouse in a healthy and productive way.  Walking around with blinders on typically damages the marriage. You are unable to specifically fix that which you do not know is broken.

Some wives will confront their husbands only after they have proof of the affair. Others will confront based simply on instinct. Sadly, some wives will never confront.

There are many reasons why women choose not to confront their suspected cheating spouse. Many women don’t have experience with healthy confrontation, and they think of the very worst outcomes. Confrontation doesn’t have to be a bad thing!

Great things can come about as a result of healthy confrontations.

The primary reasons women don’t confront their spouse are:

  • Afraid of being right
  • Afraid of being wrong
  • Don’t want to disturb a comfortable lifestyle
  • Fear of inadequacy
  • Stressful and tense conversations
  • Not sure where to start

It’s not enough to simply tell you to confront them. I want to provide you with some actual words that you can use to start to navigate the conversation. As difficult as it may be, may I suggest that you confront only after you’ve calmed yourself.  We do some regrettable (and irreversible) things when we’re in a state of outrage. Have you seen the show “Snapped?”  Enough said!

So, how exactly do you confront? Well, rather than provide you with some light, frail motivation, I prefer to outline how the conversation might actually go so you can make the necessary adjustments as you see fit.

Below you will see conversations in an organizational chart form that offers various scenarios so you can navigate through the conversation before you actually have it.

You will notice that the conversations are in two categories:

The Indirect Approach is for the spouse who is not accustomed to, or comfortable with, confrontation. This approach is ideal if you’re scared to death of just starting the conversation and have no idea what to say.

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The Direct Approach is for spouses who have no problem confronting when issues and discrepancies arise. You can review the chart and decide for yourself which approach is ideal for your particular situation.

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Confronting a cheating partner can be a gut-wrenching experience, but if you are mentally prepared that is half the battle.  Considering I have been here, I’d advise you to practice what needs to be said and brace yourself for a variety of counter-arguments. Expect the unexpected!

Confrontation takes meticulous planning. Anticipate resistance and denial. Your spouse may call you petty, snoopy, paranoid, jealous, insecure, mad, or insane. Whatever the provocation, don’t lose your cool. Personally, this is the one thing I wish I would have done more often. Not that I flew off the handle every time, but it really is so much sexier when you remain calm, cool, and collective!  Remind yourself of the greater purpose for you, him, and your shared marital union each time you find yourself losing it.

If you can, confront your spouse with a body of evidence so that he/she cannot easily deny the affair.  It is hard to deny black and white facts.  Imagine various worst-case scenarios and carefully plan for each. I’m all for being optimistic and staying positive, but be prepared for some worse case scenarios so that you are able to navigate the good, the bad, and the downright ugly if need be.  Stay in charge of your emotions as best as possible ensuring you reason calmly. It will take a lot of personal strength. After all, dealing with infidelity is dealing with a form of betrayal, but eventually, from the results that you get, you will infer that your dignified conduct has been well worth the effort. By all means, hold him/her accountable, but don’t lower your dignity.

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

Your reasons may be varied.

  • You want him to own up.
  • You want to walk out of the marriage (if it is truly worth leaving).
  • You want to preserve the marriage (if it is worth saving).
  • You don’t want to disrupt your children’s life.
  • You are worried about financial necessities.

Whatever the concerns, stay calm and believe in yourself!  Remember I have been where you are and I promise there is not just a light at the end of the tunnel, but a brighter marriage that is truly better than before. However, the prerequisite is putting in the work, and it does take WORK! Above all, stay positive by handling the situation and no longer allowing it to handle you. By doing this I found I was able to do damage-control to save our marriage along with the assistance and support of my husband.  Like my husband, your partner too may realize his mistake. He might begin to clean up the mess too, but remember…you can not conquer what you are not willing to confront!

BMWK, are you ready to carefully confront infidelity?

About the author

Da-Nay Macklin wrote 53 articles on this blog.

Coach Da-Nay Macklin is a Certified Christian Life & Relationship Coach, founder of the Courageous Conquerors Mastermind and Author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted Available on Amazon She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity and a thought leader on maximizing potential as she assists couples and individuals to live life by design and not default. Da-Nay has been has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage, and named one of the 15 most powerful women on the south side of Chicago. She now resides in Charlotte, NC with her loving husband and daughter.

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