Here’s the One Thing You Must Do If Your Spouse Is Cheating

BY: - 31 Jan '18 | Infidelity

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Have you reached a point in your marriage where you suspect something shady’s going on but you’re not sure? Now, you simply have to know what’s really going on?

Like I always say, “You cannot conquer that which you will not confront.” So, in this article that is part of chapter four (Confront & Conquer) in my book entitled Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted I reveal ways to gather the courage you need to confront your spouse in a healthy and productive way.  Walking around with blinders on typically damages the marriage. You are unable to specifically fix that which you do not know is broken.

Some wives will confront their husbands only after they have proof of the affair. Others will confront based simply on instinct. Sadly, some wives will never confront.

There are many reasons why women choose not to confront their suspected cheating spouse. Many women don’t have experience with healthy confrontation, and they think of the very worst outcomes. Confrontation doesn’t have to be a bad thing!

Great things can come about as a result of healthy confrontations.

The primary reasons women don’t confront their spouse are:

  • Afraid of being right
  • Afraid of being wrong
  • Don’t want to disturb a comfortable lifestyle
  • Fear of inadequacy
  • Stressful and tense conversations
  • Not sure where to start

It’s not enough to simply tell you to confront them. I want to provide you with some actual words that you can use to start to navigate the conversation. As difficult as it may be, may I suggest that you confront only after you’ve calmed yourself.  We do some regrettable (and irreversible) things when we’re in a state of outrage. Have you seen the show “Snapped?”  Enough said!

So, how exactly do you confront? Well, rather than provide you with some light, frail motivation, I prefer to outline how the conversation might actually go so you can make the necessary adjustments as you see fit.

Below you will see conversations in an organizational chart form that offers various scenarios so you can navigate through the conversation before you actually have it.

You will notice that the conversations are in two categories:

The Indirect Approach is for the spouse who is not accustomed to, or comfortable with, confrontation. This approach is ideal if you’re scared to death of just starting the conversation and have no idea what to say.

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The Direct Approach is for spouses who have no problem confronting when issues and discrepancies arise. You can review the chart and decide for yourself which approach is ideal for your particular situation.

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Confronting a cheating partner can be a gut-wrenching experience, but if you are mentally prepared that is half the battle.  Considering I have been here, I’d advise you to practice what needs to be said and brace yourself for a variety of counter-arguments. Expect the unexpected!

Confrontation takes meticulous planning. Anticipate resistance and denial. Your spouse may call you petty, snoopy, paranoid, jealous, insecure, mad, or insane. Whatever the provocation, don’t lose your cool. Personally, this is the one thing I wish I would have done more often. Not that I flew off the handle every time, but it really is so much sexier when you remain calm, cool, and collective!  Remind yourself of the greater purpose for you, him, and your shared marital union each time you find yourself losing it.

If you can, confront your spouse with a body of evidence so that he/she cannot easily deny the affair.  It is hard to deny black and white facts.  Imagine various worst-case scenarios and carefully plan for each. I’m all for being optimistic and staying positive, but be prepared for some worse case scenarios so that you are able to navigate the good, the bad, and the downright ugly if need be.  Stay in charge of your emotions as best as possible ensuring you reason calmly. It will take a lot of personal strength. After all, dealing with infidelity is dealing with a form of betrayal, but eventually, from the results that you get, you will infer that your dignified conduct has been well worth the effort. By all means, hold him/her accountable, but don’t lower your dignity.

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

Your reasons may be varied.

  • You want him to own up.
  • You want to walk out of the marriage (if it is truly worth leaving).
  • You want to preserve the marriage (if it is worth saving).
  • You don’t want to disrupt your children’s life.
  • You are worried about financial necessities.

Whatever the concerns, stay calm and believe in yourself!  Remember I have been where you are and I promise there is not just a light at the end of the tunnel, but a brighter marriage that is truly better than before. However, the prerequisite is putting in the work, and it does take WORK! Above all, stay positive by handling the situation and no longer allowing it to handle you. By doing this I found I was able to do damage-control to save our marriage along with the assistance and support of my husband.  Like my husband, your partner too may realize his mistake. He might begin to clean up the mess too, but remember…you can not conquer what you are not willing to confront!

BMWK, are you ready to carefully confront infidelity?

About the author

Da-Nay Macklin wrote 57 articles on this blog.

Coach Da-Nay Macklin is a Certified Christian Life & Relationship Coach, founder of the Courageous Conquerors Mastermind and Author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted Available on Amazon She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity and a thought leader on maximizing potential as she assists couples and individuals to live life by design and not default. Da-Nay has been has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage, and named one of the 15 most powerful women on the south side of Chicago. She now resides in Charlotte, NC with her loving husband and daughter.

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Can My Cheating, Lying, and Baby-Making Husband Change?

BY: - 6 Feb '18 | Infidelity

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I have been married for 7 years with 2 girls. My husband cheats and has 2 boys from his affairs. Each time I forgive him and try to get past it. Once caught, he lies unless I show him the evidence; then, he admits it and blames the women for making it easy for him to cheat on me. Sometimes he blames it on his ego. Sometimes he wants favors from the women and they demand for sex, which he obliges just to get his favor done. Also, he is always watching porn movies and he takes Viagra because he comes too quickly. Most of the time we don’t do any foreplay before sex because he wants to go in before he loses his erection.

Through all of this, I still stay faithful to him. I try my best to be a good wife. I do his laundry, take care of the kids and clean house and make his meals and pack them because he is a truck driver. He was previously married but never told me about them until I found out myself. He travels outside the country about 2 to 3x a year without telling me and I find out from his phone or other people. I’m tired of nursing heartbreaks every 3 to 4 months. When caught he throws a casual apology and continues with his act.

Recently he started unlocking his phone since we tried to rebuild the trust, but I noticed he deleted his chats with women and leaves those with men. I feel deeply hurt and don’t even have financial security because he spends the money on his exotic lifestyle and trips with these women. My siblings are the ones who support me financially. Each time I suggest counseling he turns it down or makes an excuse about not having money to pay for it. This is not the kind of marriage I want. Can My Cheating, Lying and Baby-Making Husband Change?

Please help,

Wife in Need of Help

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Wife in Need,

I have been in the mental health field for over 20 years and have provided both individual and marital therapy to over 30, 000 individuals worldwide. I share my credentials not to boast, but to say that I have heard a lot, seen a lot and have advised a lot of people. Over the years I have worked very hard not to advise people to leave their marriages. As a psychotherapist, I believe that people can change. However, I do not believe that people who do not want to change can change.

With that being said, I do not think that your husband can change. I say this, not because he is not capable. I say this because he does not demonstrate any evidence of wanting to change. There are five stages of change, which include pre-contemplation (not ready), contemplation (getting ready), preparation (ready), action, and maintenance.

Your husband has been and continues to be in the pre-contemplation stage of change (not ready). Individuals in this stage do not intend to take action in the foreseeable future. Unless he is mentally challenged, he is aware of his behavior and the consequences. Therefore, if he is not willing or ready to get help, I recommend that you consider the possibility of divorce. Generally speaking, I do not believe in giving up on people, but I also do not believe that anyone should be a victim of other peoples’ dysfunction. One of my personal favorite quotes is, “Love me or Leave me because Abuse is not an option.” I want you to think about my quote and how it applies to your marriage.

Some people will get angry about your situation and want to cast stones at your husband. I understand their sentiments, but this situation is more about you. A man or anyone else can only do to you what you allow. Your husband cheats because you allow it. Your husband lies because you allow it. Your husband manipulates you because you allow it. Your husband spends the money on himself because you allow it. Please do not take my comments as attacking you. I am simply pointing out that your husband has to have your permission to act as he does. I understand that you are concerned about the children and finances. However, I want you to think more about what you deserve.

In 2018, I am challenging women to stop settling for less than what they deserve in their relationships, marriages, careers, and life in general. You deserve more happiness, more love, and more prosperity. I want all of these things for you and I am on a personal mission to make sure that women like yourself get what you deserve which is why I’m releasing the new film, “You Deserve More: Everything Women Need to Create More Happiness, Get More Love and Generate More Prosperity, on March 29, 2018.  To learn more go to www.drbuckingham.com

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

I highly recommend that you get professional help and begin the process of focusing on what you deserve. You definitely do not deserve to be in a marriage filled with infidelity, emotional abuse and outright neglect. You asked if your husband could change and I am wondering if you can change. Change what you tolerate. Change your situation and change your way of thinking so that you can get what you deserve.

Best regards,

Dr. Dwayne Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 216 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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