Should I Disown My Sister For Cheating With My Husband?

BY: - 9 Jan '18 | Infidelity

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

My marriage has been torn apart because of the actions of two people that I love to the moon and back. My husband of 6 years slept with my younger sister. My younger sister came to stay with us after she graduated college. We allowed her to stay with us until she got on her feet.

My husband is 42 years old and my sister is 22 years old. You might be wondering why I mentioned their ages. Well I believe that my husband seduced my younger sister. He purchased her clothes and gave her money. Initially, I did not think anything about their relationship until he allowed her to drive his Aston Martin Vanquish. The car cost over $200K.

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I started to question their relationship when this started because he has never allowed me to drive the car. I went to work one day and decided to come home early. As I walked through the door I saw the two of them on the couch kissing. I quickly closed the door and jumped back in my car. I went to a friend’s house and stayed there for the night. My husband called and begged me to come home. My husband provides me with a first class lifestyle, but treats me a like a second-class citizen. I know that I have to face this, but I feel so disrespected by both of them and my heart is crushed. I know that my marriage is over, but I cannot divorce my sister. Should I Disown My Sister for Cheating with My Husband?

Please help,

Second Class Wife

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Second Class Wife,

I am truly sorry that you are dealing with such pain and betrayal caused by your loved ones. However, in matters such as these, I often encourage individuals to not make long-term decisions while in emotional distress. Disowning your sister by terminating all connection with her is a serious decision and can be emotionally taxing. While the thought of disowning her might be the best way to move forward from the painful experience, you must make sure that you are doing so for the right reason.

Will disowning her help you cope or just punish her? Some people might think that the answer to this question does not matter, but it does. If you would like to disown her because you do not want to be reminded of the trauma, then I believe that you have to process what disowning your sister means and what it would look like. As long as you harbor bitter and angry feelings towards her, it does not matter if you cut ties physically or financially because she will always be present in your psyche.

In my opinion, disowning a family member, especially a sibling, is not simple matter. I say this because family dynamics also have to be considered. Parents and family members might feel torn or divided if they take sides. Will your family treat your sister like the “black sheep” of the family? This might not matter to you now, but how your sister copes with being disowned can become a source of on-going anguish for you and others.

When others betray us, we want to see them suffer and may even have thoughts of punishing them. While these feelings are normal, I recommend that you take some time to think about your next steps. Your sister’s betrayal probably has more to do with her than it does you. Believe it or not some people are so self-centered that they have difficulty thinking outside of themselves. Your husband and sister may or may not have been thinking about you before or during their romantic encounters. Either way, you can be grateful that their deceit came to light. It might not feel good to you now, but the revealed deception is good for you.

Whatever decision you make, do so in the right state of mind. If disowning your sister will help you heal and protect you from future harm, then do so. However, I would encourage you to have a conversation with your sister at some point. The purpose of the conversation would be to help you understand, not to agree with or accept her thinking or behavior. Sometimes when people do not understand or know why something happened, it eats them alive. The conversation is important from a therapeutic viewpoint because it can potentially help you with closure and forgiveness down the road. If you cannot bring yourself to have the conversation, consider seeking family therapy for you and your sister.

As a reminder: disowning someone does not always fix or address betrayal effectively. Healing from this situation and gaining insight about how to manage your sister will probably require a lot of prayer and professional counseling. Please get some help because sibling betrayal can feel like the world is ending, especially to individuals like myself who breathe and believe that blood is thicker than water. This kind of thinking causes us to believe that relationships and loyalties within a family are the strongest and most important ones.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 220 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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I Am in Love With a Married Man: How Do I Let Go?

BY: - 16 Jan '18 | Infidelity

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I have been dealing with a married man for a while and I know its wrong, but we just got caught up. I want to walk away and just let it all go, but I didn’t know it would be this hard. I fell in love with him and I don’t know how it happened. I don’t want to do this anymore. I Am in Love with a Married Man, How Do I Let Go?

Please help,

Ms. Mistress

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Ms. Mistress,

I want to commend you because I know that asking for help in a public forum is not easy. Many will judge you and immediately attack and reprimand you for being the “other woman.” Some individuals will also demean you for being a home wrecker. While I can relate to these sentiments, I do not believe that anyone has the right to pass judgment on anyone else. With that being said, I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling and begin the process of letting go by examining your idea of what love is and how it works.

Love is beautiful, love is complicated, love is confusing, love is healing, love is passionate, but love should never be shared with a person who is not available to openly love you back. See, some people become victims of affairs because they allow passionate love, which is a strong sexual or romantic feeling to dominate their thinking and behavior.

Passion is best defined as a strong feeling of excitement for something. As human beings, we are constantly in search of love and have obsessions with things that excite us, and this, in my opinion, is why affairs take place. Affairs are exhilarating because the circumstances and/or conditions in which they are created contribute to overwhelming feelings of excitement. Mistresses like you get excited about the idea of the married man leaving his wife, excited about the idea that you will not have to hide your love anymore, and excited about the possibility of being a wife one day. Please understand that for some people excitement can become addictive.

Being with a married person is a bad habit that one should definitely kick like drug use, but the overwhelming feeling of excitement can become addictive just like drugs and distort your understanding of love. Remember that love does hurt occasionally, but it should not be intentional. By being with a married man, you are intentionally hurting yourself and so is he. Promises of divorce is a self-serving technique used to keep you hanging around.

While it might not be easy to let go, you must do so for your own good. One of the worse feelings in the world is to be with someone who is not totally available to you. With this in mind, here are a few tips for letting go.

  1. Seek professional counseling. Love is a matter of the heart and mind. Seek help so that a professional like myself can help you monitor and cope with both in a healthy manner.
  2. Seek spiritual counseling. Sometimes, feeling convicted about something from a spiritual perspective can trigger a desire for change. This works for some people so it is worth a try if you think it will help you.
  3. Put you first. If you have difficulty with implementing this tip, please pay attention to your lover’s behavior. He is good at putting himself first. He tells you what you need to hear to keep you around and is probably telling his wife what she needs to hear as well. I am not encouraging you to be deceitful. I am simply suggesting that you take note of how your lover gets his needs met. Like him, you deserve to get your needs met. Unlike him, not by using or manipulating others. He puts himself first. Think about what this would look like for you and seek professional guidance.
  4. Make yourself available to date. Unfortunately, many mistresses make the mistake of isolating themselves from the dating scene in hope that they will be with their married lover. Start to date again. Please keep in mind that your lover will probably become more aggressive if he feels that he could lose you. Be careful and keep others informed of your actions.
  5. Change all of your contact information if feasible. If you do not have the mental will to let go, try limiting your availability.
  6. Spend more time with you. Look in the mirror and ask yourself how would you feel if you were on the other side. One of the easiest ways to get over someone else is to get more into yourself. Distractions from the affair can cause you to lose sight of your needs. Desiring and needing love is normal, but how you are getting it is not. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in life or love.

Any time spent with a married person who is not emotionally available to you is time wasted. Instead of being a mistress, focus your energy and time on being the best you. Being an accomplice in a deceitful situation will not bring favor your way. Be patient and trust that God will send you the right man when you get right with yourself and Him.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 220 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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