5 Areas of Submission in Marriage Every Relationship Needs to Succeed

BY: - 21 Feb '18 | Communication

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Submission is typically thought of as being compliant or obedient to someone else. However, in this context, a different consideration of the word submission is revealed. If you break this word down into its two parts, you have SUB and MISSION.

Sub: a prefix meaning under, underneath, or below; as in submarine or sublevel
Mission: an important goal, duty, calling, assignment, purpose, or task
(Definitions based on the Merriam Webster Dictionary)

The consideration of the verb “submission” demonstrated here is to set one’s self under the jurisdiction and boundaries of the stated mission. In other words, together, as one, husband and wife determine and agree upon the mission, purpose, and goals for the marriage. And together, they become submissive to the mission, thereby, becoming submissive to one another because each spouse is after the same purpose and goal.

It is the mission for the marriage that determines guidelines and boundaries around everyday life, as every action is geared toward accomplishing the mission. If either person acts outside the mission, sub-mission is not taking place. Here are five areas of submission that every marriage needs to succeed.

Household matters

You must discuss items that affect the running of the household. How do you want your home to flow? What is your vision of a day in the life at your address? Areas to consider:

  • How will we divide labor inside and outside of the house?
  • What time will we go to bed? Will we go to bed together?
  • Who will cook dinner? Will we cook together?
  • Will we keep a flexible schedule and spontaneously flow with the day?
  • Will we maintain an inflexible schedule and plan things into our calendar?
  • Is it okay if people just drop by our home, or do we require notice?

Finances

Your money is very close to your heart. You work for it daily and understand that having or not having the proper finances will greatly determine the lifestyle you are able to enjoy today and in the future. Things to consider:

  • Who will manage the money?
  • Will we get an allowance for personal spending and use the rest for the household?
  • Will we put our money together or have separate accounts?
  • Should we check in with each other before making a purchase over a certain dollar amount?
  • When do we start a college fund for the children?
  • Is there money for private schooling in the early years?
  • How much will we give, and who will we give to?
  • Will we help to support our parents as they age?

Child-rearing

You want your children to enjoy their childhood and grow to be productive members of society. This training starts early. Agreement in this area is imperative to a child’s upbringing. From a young age, a little person knows when mommy and daddy are out of sync. They may not be able to articulate what they feel, but they are aware when mom has one opinion on a given situation and dad has another.

As early as kindergarten, a child knows which things to ask mom for and which to ask dad for, depending on the answer they want to receive. However, when the child receives the same answer from mom and dad, they see unity. Mom may answer a little more softly, in her nurturing voice, and dad may add a five-minute story to each answer he gives, but the child has experienced a sense of oneness from his parents. Areas to consider in child-rearing:

  • How many children do we want?
  • Do we want to adopt?
  • How will we discipline our kids?
    o Yes, ma’am; No, sir
    o Spanking
    o Timeout
    o Warnings
  • What will we teach our kids about certain rituals and traditions?
    o Santa Claus
    o Easter Bunny
    o Tooth Fairy
  • How will we educate our children?
    o Homeschool
    o Private school
    o Public school
    o Preschool
    o Babysitters
  • Can our children live with us as long as they want?
  • At a certain age, must they move out or pay rent?
  • Are the children allowed to have jobs while in school?
  • Will there be overall rules for the children, or will the standard depend on the individual child?

Work

Work is a necessity of life. It comes in many forms. Work can be done in the home or in a corporate office. It can be a ministry volunteer position or the extra support you supply in your child’s classroom. Sometimes a paycheck accompanies work, and other times it does not. Yet, whether you receive a paycheck or not, work is still work. I like to define work as anything that occupies
time and causes one to labor.

Take time to talk about the work schedule of each spouse. Unless there is dialogue, one spouse may never know the time, effort, and energy the other expends in support of the family. Dialogue about this, but don’t argue. Don’t say, “I work eight hours a day just like you, so I don’t feel like cooking either.” Instead, have open dialogue about work to create a mission with supporting goals that serves your family. Here are items to consider:

  • Will the wife stay home with the children, or does she desire to work outside the home? Possible supporting goals include reducing debt and creating an in-home business run by mom, so that she has more control over her time spent outside the home.
  • Will the husband stay home with the children and the wife work outside the home?
  • Is entrepreneurship a goal for both partners? A possible supporting goal might include a set date have your business plan in place.
  • Is it necessary for both partners to work outside the home to support the family?

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Spiritual Matters

For many, spiritual beliefs supply a foundation for life. Life’s experiences and decisions are based on that foundation. For some, disagreements on spiritual matters are a deal-breaker. Decide together what core spiritual values will play significant roles in your marriage. Things to consider:

  • What do we believe?
  • What places do our spiritual beliefs hold in our everyday life?
  • What are the tenants of our faith?
  • How will we translate our faith to our children?
  • Will we serve/volunteer in a local ministry or house of worship?
  • Will we give financially to a house of worship? How much? How often?
  • Will we attend worship services weekly, on holidays, or when we feel like it?

These lists are to get you started as you discuss your future with your mate. Add in any area that is important to your family, and remove areas that are not relevant to your relationship. Envision your future as you consider the areas above, and it will help you steer your marriage mission.

BMWK, are you on the same page with your family mission?

About the author

Deborah L. Mills wrote 186 articles on this blog.

Coach, AUTHOR, Speaker, WIFE, Mom, and GRANDMOTHER. That's the gist of who I am. I love people and love to see their life and relationships thrive. As a coach I am ready to support your dream when you don't feel like it. As an author and speaker I am ready to pour into your life so that you can live your best life now. I am a personal and executive coach. Together with my husband I also marriage coach. GO TO MY WEBSITE. THERE IS A FREE GIFT THERE WAITING FOR YOU. http://bit.ly/2deborahlmills

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3 Conflict Resolution Tips to Not Undo the “I do”

BY: - 2 Apr '18 | Communication

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When it comes to dealing with conflict in marriage, the question is not if you will have conflict but when you will have conflict. After the “I do,” conflict is a necessary part of even healthy marriages because no two people will ever agree on everything. However, many couples begin to “undo” the “I do” because they misinterpret Proverbs 20:3 and make the colossal mistake of avoiding conflict at all cost. For many, it ends up costing them their marriage because they lack conflict resolution skills that won’t undo the “I do.”

Proverbs 20:3 “Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.”

This scripture does not mean that you should avoid conflict in your marriage. In fact, conflict is necessary for both partners to have balance and each gets their needs met. What it does warn against is fighting, quarreling and destroying one another with strife.

So, let’s talk about avoiding conflict with an example. I want your input on this far too common marital scenario:

A couple has been married for seven years with two children (ages 2 and 5). The first three years of their marriage were the best. They were able to purchase a new home, secure or maintain employment, go on frequent dates, have fun, and keep things spicy and sexy at home.

However, year three presented some problems after their first child was born because the wife’s role in the marriage changed dramatically. Before kids, she would cook 4 nights a week. She would clean, work a full-time job and pursue her hobbies in her free time.

After having kids, however, she found herself having little to no time to pursue her hobbies. Meanwhile, her husband somehow managed to keep his. He would occasionally “help” with the children but most of the responsibility somehow fell on her. Now, she cooks, cleans, parents, works full-time and maintains her side hustle, gives the kids their baths, helps with homework, prepares their lunch, drops kids off at school/daycare, takes them to the doctor, and the list goes on and on.

It’s year 7 now, and the wife feels as if she has completely lost herself. She loves her children dearly but misses her “me time,” fun times with her friends, and feeling sexy again as a wife. They have not taken a couples only vacation since the kids were born, infrequently date, and center too much of their conversation around household business. She is extremely unhappy, bored, and overwhelmed with her day-to-day life but loves being a wife and mother.

However, she is conflicted about what to do.

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Option A: Should she bring up her unhappiness to her husband so that she can get a break? If she does, it may work! Can you imagine going shopping without kids? However, what if her husband resists and it leads to a conflict? She tried saying something earlier and her husband shut her down quickly because his mother raised four kids alone after his father left and “never complained.”

Or

Option B: Should she suck it up, embrace giving up personal needs as a necessary evil of marriage and motherhood, and avoid conflict with her husband?

What would you do?

I am sure this will create spirited debate but if you are asking a professional psychologist for twenty years, I would advise the wife to pick Option A…even though it will lead to conflict. Why?

Quite simply, “Option B” is unsustainable. Both parties in a marriage need “me time” or oxygen to survive. Psalm 25:5 refers to “my cup runneth over” which can be applied to marriage. If the mom is the cup, and her cup is empty, how can she realistically be expected to pour into her husband, children, and work without neglecting herself?

Right. She can’t.

She will eventually become overwhelmed, irritable, depressed and unhappy in the marriage. She has neglected her needs for so long that it has become a way of life; one that robs her of joy and makes her long for the good times when she used to be able to have fun.

The wives who wait to speak up tend to have a high divorce rate once the kids leave for college. Other wives lose their health, put on weight (or lose too much), and let themselves go. This is a problem because the husband often complains about her appearance or even pursues outside attention because his wife is “too busy” for him. Another set of women, eventually snap and blindside their husbands with “the talk” where they reveal how unhappy they have been for years and want separation or divorce.

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What should she have done? I’m glad you asked. My twenty years experience counseling couples through conflict resolution has taught me she should:

  1. Talk about marital and parenting expectations up front.
  2. Engage in weekly to monthly meetings to assess the “State of the Marriage” so that a bad pattern of marriage does not become a lifestyle.
  3. Initiate conflict in a loving way to discuss necessary changes that will allow both husband and wife to have a fulfilling life.

Sounds good right? The thing is that a lot of professionals will often tell you what to do but neglect training you HOW to do it.

  • What exactly do you say?
  • What if he won’t listen?
  • What if you have mom guilt about having fun away from the kids?

I get it! That’s why I want to show you HOW TO RESOLVE CONFLICT IN YOUR MARRIAGE. You see, on the flip side, arguing too much can literally kill your marriage too. I want to help prevent that from happening for you.

There are many solutions for successfully resolving marital conflict. I cover this in a FREE online training I am doing April 3rd at 9 pm on resolving conflict, specifically geared towards Christian marriages. I can record it for you too if you absolutely cannot make this date.

Here’s what happens next…check out this page to register and reserve your seat right now. We did this workshop a few months ago and the training was filled to capacity. So, register now.  You don’t have to spend another night going to bed angry.

Register here.

Here are two scriptures to prepare your mindset that deal with discussing faults, making adjustments, and setting conflict in marriage.

Ephesians 4:2 – Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.

Isaiah 1:18 – “Come now, let’s settle this,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.

BMWK, What do you think? Agree with the Doc or disagree? What would you do? Go ahead, you be the marriage expert and chime in.

By Dr. Alduan Tarrt: Dr. Alduan Tartt is a clinical psychologist with a focus on faith, mental health and relationships of all sorts (single, dating, marriage, family, sports, etc.). Dr. Tartt has a private practice and also speaks frequently at conferences, churches, organizations on improving relationships, families and mental health. Dr. Tartt also hosts radio and television shows and is a frequent guest on major media outlets. Dr. Tartt also counsels other healers and helpers (pastors, ministers, doctors, entertainers) who need to be encouraged, supported and filled up.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1260 articles on this blog.

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