Can My Cheating, Lying, and Baby-Making Husband Change?

BY: - 6 Feb '18 | Infidelity

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I have been married for 7 years with 2 girls. My husband cheats and has 2 boys from his affairs. Each time I forgive him and try to get past it. Once caught, he lies unless I show him the evidence; then, he admits it and blames the women for making it easy for him to cheat on me. Sometimes he blames it on his ego. Sometimes he wants favors from the women and they demand for sex, which he obliges just to get his favor done. Also, he is always watching porn movies and he takes Viagra because he comes too quickly. Most of the time we don’t do any foreplay before sex because he wants to go in before he loses his erection.

Through all of this, I still stay faithful to him. I try my best to be a good wife. I do his laundry, take care of the kids and clean house and make his meals and pack them because he is a truck driver. He was previously married but never told me about them until I found out myself. He travels outside the country about 2 to 3x a year without telling me and I find out from his phone or other people. I’m tired of nursing heartbreaks every 3 to 4 months. When caught he throws a casual apology and continues with his act.

Recently he started unlocking his phone since we tried to rebuild the trust, but I noticed he deleted his chats with women and leaves those with men. I feel deeply hurt and don’t even have financial security because he spends the money on his exotic lifestyle and trips with these women. My siblings are the ones who support me financially. Each time I suggest counseling he turns it down or makes an excuse about not having money to pay for it. This is not the kind of marriage I want. Can My Cheating, Lying and Baby-Making Husband Change?

Please help,

Wife in Need of Help

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Wife in Need,

I have been in the mental health field for over 20 years and have provided both individual and marital therapy to over 30, 000 individuals worldwide. I share my credentials not to boast, but to say that I have heard a lot, seen a lot and have advised a lot of people. Over the years I have worked very hard not to advise people to leave their marriages. As a psychotherapist, I believe that people can change. However, I do not believe that people who do not want to change can change.

With that being said, I do not think that your husband can change. I say this, not because he is not capable. I say this because he does not demonstrate any evidence of wanting to change. There are five stages of change, which include pre-contemplation (not ready), contemplation (getting ready), preparation (ready), action, and maintenance.

Your husband has been and continues to be in the pre-contemplation stage of change (not ready). Individuals in this stage do not intend to take action in the foreseeable future. Unless he is mentally challenged, he is aware of his behavior and the consequences. Therefore, if he is not willing or ready to get help, I recommend that you consider the possibility of divorce. Generally speaking, I do not believe in giving up on people, but I also do not believe that anyone should be a victim of other peoples’ dysfunction. One of my personal favorite quotes is, “Love me or Leave me because Abuse is not an option.” I want you to think about my quote and how it applies to your marriage.

Some people will get angry about your situation and want to cast stones at your husband. I understand their sentiments, but this situation is more about you. A man or anyone else can only do to you what you allow. Your husband cheats because you allow it. Your husband lies because you allow it. Your husband manipulates you because you allow it. Your husband spends the money on himself because you allow it. Please do not take my comments as attacking you. I am simply pointing out that your husband has to have your permission to act as he does. I understand that you are concerned about the children and finances. However, I want you to think more about what you deserve.

In 2018, I am challenging women to stop settling for less than what they deserve in their relationships, marriages, careers, and life in general. You deserve more happiness, more love, and more prosperity. I want all of these things for you and I am on a personal mission to make sure that women like yourself get what you deserve which is why I’m releasing the new film, “You Deserve More: Everything Women Need to Create More Happiness, Get More Love and Generate More Prosperity, on March 29, 2018.  To learn more go to www.drbuckingham.com

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

I highly recommend that you get professional help and begin the process of focusing on what you deserve. You definitely do not deserve to be in a marriage filled with infidelity, emotional abuse and outright neglect. You asked if your husband could change and I am wondering if you can change. Change what you tolerate. Change your situation and change your way of thinking so that you can get what you deserve.

Best regards,

Dr. Dwayne Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 204 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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Affair Repair- 4 Reasons to L.O.V.E. Valentine’s Day!

BY: - 14 Feb '18 | Infidelity

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We are approaching “that” holiday, yeah you know the one:  Valentine’s Day!  The main day devoted to ALL things romance!

No matter where you are in your affair repair, Valentine’s Day is not to be ignored.

Societal conditioning tells us that acts of love have to be grand gestures.  However, I’d like to lovingly challenge you to rethink Valentine’s Day in respect to repairing your marriage after an affair… an act of love doesn’t have to always be a grand romantic gesture; it can be simple but profound and most of all impactful in this season of your marriage.

This Valentine’s Day is your opportunity to do something different to possibly win over & win back your spouse, your love, your…valentine!

Make this Valentine’s Day about TRUE L.O.V.E. by adding:

Laughter

Having a sense of humor is great for you and your spouse’s mood, health, and the marriage! Laughter is good medicine, literally. It has important physiological effects on you and your spouse.

Humor brings more than physiological benefits to a husband and wife. Humor helps us cope with the trivial but also with the tragedies like an affair.

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

My husband & I love to attend comedy shows (hint hint) where we have heard comedians say things like, laughter is an “instant vacation,” or “You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh,” and “If you can find humor in anything, you can survive it.” These are all food for thought with a touch of truth, yes?

Studies have revealed that individuals who have a strong sense of humor are less likely to experience burnout and depression and they’re more likely to enjoy life in general — including their marriage!

Open-Mindedness

The way you react to a situation determines its outcome, and having an open mind can help you make the best out of repairing an affair.

Being open-minded is also about understanding the fact that your own ideas and beliefs may not be held by your spouse. Chances are you’ve found yourself in a situation where your beliefs conflict with your spouse.  Open-minded spouses listen, reflect, and choose to calmly respond. As a compassionate and competent person, you should be able to listen to your spouse’s beliefs, even if you don’t completely agree. By being closed-minded, we can hinder much-needed growth from taking place in our marriages.

Remember that you don’t always have to be right—it’s hard, I know—but it is more important that you try to understand where your spouse is coming from and what makes your spouse think the way he/she does.  If you do this, you can strengthen your own ideas and beliefs. It is also beneficial to see things from different perspectives.

Volunteering

There’s no denying that helping others in need makes the heart feel good. In fact, performing acts of kindness releases serotonin — a chemical in your brain that has major health benefits.

Instead of focusing on gifts this Valentine’s Day, focus on what you have to offer others together through your marital union. Being selfless will help reduce some of the stress brought on by an affair and increase your overall sense of well-being and fulfillment. Spending time together is important so volunteering provides spouses with a shared activity that both can enjoy while their marriage is becoming better based on this unifying experience.

Express Gratitude

Appreciating what you have is better than thinking too much on what you want. When you show appreciation for your spouse, your spouse becomes more valuable to you and deepens your sense of happiness and connection.

In my professional work as a coach, I hear examples every day of people who feel unappreciated and taken for granted by their spouse. Also, many people focus on what they do not have in their marriage versus what they do have.

Before you throw in the towel and give up, you may want to try one simple act; not only can it save your marriage, but it can make each partner feel more loved, valued, appreciated and happy: that’s right you guessed it…gratitude!

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

Showing and verbalizing appreciation to your spouse is vital. If both husband and wife feel valued, needed, and loved by their spouse, the tendency to complain, nag, and argue which contributes to affairs will naturally decrease.

So, even if you do have disagreements, expressing gratefulness regularly can neutralize the problems associated with conflicts in marriage.

Love is not measured in bouquets of flowers or boxes of chocolate on Valentine’s Day, but in the smallest actions you take to express your L.O.V.E. for your spouse.

BMWK, How will you implement the l.o.v.e. on Valentine’s Day?

About the author

Da-Nay Macklin wrote 53 articles on this blog.

Coach Da-Nay Macklin is a Certified Christian Life & Relationship Coach, founder of the Courageous Conquerors Mastermind and Author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted Available on Amazon She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity and a thought leader on maximizing potential as she assists couples and individuals to live life by design and not default. Da-Nay has been has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage, and named one of the 15 most powerful women on the south side of Chicago. She now resides in Charlotte, NC with her loving husband and daughter.

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