Spouse Cheated? 30 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Calling It Quits

BY: - 26 Feb '18 | Infidelity

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After infidelity in our relationship and prior to making a decision to call it quits, I thought LOOOONG and hard about what to do.  Notice I did not say the “D” word!  If you are like me, you have learned over the years the seeds you plant and nurture will take root and grow.  Therefore, I have made it my business to intentionally not allow myself to even think, let alone verbalize the “D” word.

The choice to dissolve a marriage isn’t one to be taken easily nor for granted either.  While coaching clients over the years, it has been my observation that calling it quits comes after many months and often times many years of trying to make it work and weighing options.

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

When pondering this myself, I kept coming back to a commitment I made to myself for the benefit of honoring our marriage. I had to ask myself one major question along with several other important questions. Even though I’m not “Pro-Divorce,” there are certainly times when marriages need to consider certain questions too.  Before crossing this bridge, I would like to encourage while empowering you to consider the following holistic questions to ask your spouse and yourself BEFORE calling it quits…

  1. Why did we fall in love in the first place?
  2. Do you feel accepted by me?
  3. Do you feel loved by me?
  4. Do you feel loved in the way you need and desire me to love you?
  5. Do you feel able to communicate with me? Is our communication clear?
  6. Do you trust me? If not, how can I gain your trust back?
  7. Do we need to resolve past hurts? Do we need to resolve current hurts?
  8. What are your expectations of counseling? Should it be individually or as a couple?
  9. Why are we not in counseling? (OR) Is counseling producing results for us?
  10. What are our MAIN issues?
  11. Which issues are MOST important to who and why?
  12. Are you willing to change to make improvements?
  13. Which issues can we BOTH be flexible on?
  14. What bothers you most about me?
  15. Which issues are deal breakers?
  16. Does either of us REALLY want to call it quits?
  17. What are the reasons you really want to work things out?
  18. How do you see the future?
  19. Are we merely going through a bad season in our marriage?
  20. Are you satisfied with our sex life and overall intimacy?
  21. In spite of the issue(s) do we overall enjoy each other and the marriage?
  22. What is truly within your control to change?
  23. How would you feel if your next five years were just like the last five?
  24. Am I really PREPARED to go through with this?
  25. Am I prepared to keep my emotions out of the divorce process?
  26. If I go through with this, will I be able to maintain my lifestyle?
  27. How do I pay my expenses during the divorce process?
  28. Will I try to move on from the divorce and not see myself as a victim?
  29. Can my partner and I try to honor our marriage and the memories we share?

Last but certainly not least…

  1. Have WE EXHAUSTED EVERY OPTION?!?

This question to me is the MAJOR question because before I dared to call it quits in my own marriage, I would say “Da-Nay have you REALLY exhausted EVERY single option?”  See, it was important to me, regardless of my emotions (be careful not make major decisions while under the influence of emotions) to have a clear conscience and be able to sit with myself at the end of the day knowing that I did EVERYTHING within my control for the sake of our marriage.

Sure, I wanted to have a clear conscience and not be burdened by guilt. But I always felt this was a way of honoring our marriage whether my husband felt like it or not, or whether I did not find my husband worthy at times.  I knew the vow I had taken and it was my “duty” to take it seriously.  I can say I’m so glad that I did!

Having been through all of the above, it has truly taught my husband and me the value of being as proactive vs. reactive as possible.  We’ve seen this value manifest through the “golden nuggets” communicated between one another that set each other, and our marriage, up for success.

After going through, and maybe even before these questions, you probably know each other better than anyone else. By asking the above questions it gives you and your spouse the unique opportunity to create significant awareness about yourselves that you both may desire to work on, amend, or completely change in your marriage.

The best part is that it could very well save your marriage! Both spouses are likely to share critical information the other needed to hear in order to feel wholeheartedly led to show up and put some genuine effort into the marriage.  In short, don’t process what you ‘shoulda, woulda, coulda’ done differently after your spouse has called it quits.  Do it NOW to MAKE a REAL difference and to limit regrets.

BMWK, have you asked all the right questions to give your marriage a chance after infidelity?

About the author

Da-Nay Macklin wrote 59 articles on this blog.

Coach Da-Nay Macklin is a Certified Christian Life & Relationship Coach, founder of the Courageous Conquerors Mastermind and Author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted Available on Amazon She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity and a thought leader on maximizing potential as she assists couples and individuals to live life by design and not default. Da-Nay has been has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage, and named one of the 15 most powerful women on the south side of Chicago. She now resides in Charlotte, NC with her loving husband and daughter.

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Is It Disrespectful For a Married Man to Frequent Strip Clubs?

BY: - 20 Mar '18 | Infidelity

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Dear Dr. Buckingham,

I am living a nightmare in my marriage. I recently learned that my husband has been seeing a stripper on the side. Occasionally, he comes home late, but I do not mind because I know that he goes to dance clubs with his friends sometimes. Recently, he came home around 3 a.m. and was wearing a wristband and smelled like perfume. I asked him where did he go. He looked me straight in my face and told me a strip club.

I know that I was wrong, but I screamed at him and told him that I believe that having another woman dance all over him was cheating and disrespectful. He told me that he does not feel attracted to me anymore since I gained weight. He also told me that he is bored with our intimacy and sex life. He claimed that he never slept with the stripper, but enjoys her company at the strip club only. Is It Disrespectful for A Married Man to Frequent Strip Clubs?

Patiently waiting for a response,

Disrespected Wife

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Disrespected Wife,

The word disrespect is a subjective term and means different things to different people. What one person perceives to be disrespectful might be acceptable to someone else. From my personal perspective as a Christian, I do believe that it is disrespectful for a married man to frequent strip clubs. I say this because the environment in strip clubs creates lustful thinking. Individuals go to strip clubs to be entertained, but I am not sure how one avoids thoughts of strong sexual desires considering the amount of rubbing and touching that takes place with the women. With that said, some men might say that they never think about having sex with the strippers. I am not denying that this might be possible. However, I was always taught not to play with fire and frequenting strip clubs is playing with fire.

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

Now that I have answered your question, I want to address the fact that your husband has outrightly expressed that he is not attracted to you. Whatever this means to you, I hope that you do not blame yourself for his behavior. Cause and effect do not work with human beings. Your weight gain did not cause him to frequent the strip club. His lack of discipline and respect causes him to frequent the strip club. Make sure that you do not allow your self-esteem to take a hit for something that you did not cause or create.

In regards to your husband’s comment about being bored with intimacy and sex, I highly recommend that the both of you see a psychotherapist if you decide to fight for your marriage. Again, the point is not to blame yourself, but to see if there is something that can be done to enhance the intimacy and sex within your marriage.

I pray that you seek professional help and that your husband comes to understand that lusting after another woman is what some Christians refer to as adultery in the heart. Matthew 5:28 states, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” With this in mind, any man who lusts after other women is disrespectful in my book. Acknowledging that women are beautiful from afar is different than fondling them. Touching in a sexual or intimate nature should be reserved for one’s spouse. Please seek professional help. If not for your marriage, please do so for yourself.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 220 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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