Should You Swipe Left or Swipe Right? Getting Clear on Your Deal Breakers

BY: - 5 Feb '18 | Relationships

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If you’re using dating apps to meet with eligible singles, you’ve probably lived these scenarios.

Does this sound familiar? Swipe right if…

He looks good on paper but he’s not mentally stimulating in real life. FRUSTRATING!

Swipe left. Swipe right.

He was a great conversationalist on the phone but didn’t make you laugh when you went out to dinner on your first date. IRRITATING!

Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left.

Oh, this guy looks great! But then you notice it says he has kids, he’s divorced and he has a bachelor’s degree and you have a JD. DISAPPOINTING!

Can you relate?

I know it’s frustrating when the men you want don’t show up in your dating app and this keeps happening. I can tell you how to solve this problem–if you’re open and ready to turn things around in your favor – forever.

I have a unique perspective, not just as someone who has met & married my husband in 11 months, but also as a professionally trained matchmaker and dating coach who has helped smart, successful sistas get married, end up in long-term relationships, and have an active dating life after not being on a real date in years.

In other words, I’ve seen what happens when you get clear on what should and shouldn’t be a deal breaker in dating.So let’s clarify:  What counts as a deal breaker? 

My rule of thumb is this: If it can be changed (and it’s not something that brings you harm like these 7 things), then it shouldn’t be a deal breaker. You might move it from your “must have” list to your preferences, and be willing to compromise so that you can at least get to a first date before you decide the man isn’t interesting to you. 

Let’s have a quick coaching session. Are these common deal breakers on your list?

  1. He must be 6 feet or taller
  2. No bad breath
  3. Has an advanced college degree
  4. Works out 6 days per week
  5. Is Vegan
  6. Goes to Bible study regularly
  7. Makes me laugh
  8. Is ambitious & wants to build an empire
  9. Credit score over 750
  10. No kids, never married, my age

At first glance, this list of must-haves and deal breakers seems perfectly fine. That is until you remember the man who is educated…isn’t always exciting.

The man who is exciting…isn’t always financially stable.

The man who is stable…isn’t always consistent.

The man who is consistent…isn’t always intellectually stimulating.

The man who is intellectually your equal…isn’t always a 10 on the physically attractive scale.

And on it goes.

The fact is, you’ll always be able to find a quality a man doesn’t have, so relying on a list, or an image in your head of how your dream man should look and make you feel, could cause you to lose out on potentially great partners.

There are already a lot of things out of your control in dating and relationships. Timing–when you’ll meet, how long you’ll date, when you’ll get married – is something you can’t just make happen. So saying NO all the time because the person who asked you out doesn’t look exactly like the person you’re used to dating, is literally slamming the door to LOVE. You end up spending all your time searching for a fantasy you’ve created in your head, while avoiding the actions that will actually help you meet a person who actually exists and wants to date you. 

Ask yourself this: How has dating your type worked out for you in the past? Has it resulted in healthy, lasting relationships where you feel cherished, loved, and safe? If it hasn’t, I invite you to be open to dating different types of men so you can have new experiences. To do that, you actually have to go out on a date.

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I know it’s not easy being a smart woman who has standards, and when you look out into the dating pool, many of the men just don’t measure up to your expectations.  I just don’t want you to be picky because you’re more flaw-focused than you are strengths-focused.

As April Beyer says, “a woman who is ready [for love] is selective. A woman who is not is picky.”

I want you to be a selective woman. That means your energy is open, welcoming, accepting and confident. You’re willing to compromise on the things that don’t really matter to the success of a relationship like a man’s height and, as a result, you have lots of options in your dating pool. Then you can turn men down when they ask you out based on whether they share your values instead of whether or not they wore the right shoes to the date.

BMWK, how will you revise your deal breaker list? What are you willing to compromise on? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 165 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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5 Undeniably Classic Reasons Marriage is Not Outdated

BY: - 7 Feb '18 | Marriage

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There’s a movie roaming around Netflix called “November Rule.” It’s an interesting flick that reveals the character of a young man who breaks up with his significant other right before the holidays. His plan is to pursue the relationship again right after Valentine’s Day. His premise is that during the holidays and up until Valentine’s Day, relationships get sticky. There are parties, and gifts, and niceties that are required and he’s just not into it. So, rather than put in the work, he finds a convenient excuse to call it quits with his girl until after all the hoopla has passed. Conveniently, his reason for ending it in November no longer exists after mid-February…thus, “November Rule.”

Sounds like a load of nonsense, right?

Well, follow me on this. There are many people who approach, or back away, from marriage for basically the same reason. To them, marriage makes relationships sticky. There are commitments, and compromises, and responsibilities that are required and they’re just not into it. So, rather than put in the work, they find a convenient excuse to downplay the idea of marriage in hopes that all the hoopla will pass. One such excuse that is brilliantly played is the concept that marriage is outdated. In this day and age, who needs a piece of paper to validate their relationship? As long as you love each other, that’s all that matters.

Sounds like a load of nonsense, right?

Well, like I said, it’s an argument that’s brilliantly played. You see, I can’t think of a better way for those who opt-out to make those who opt-in appear sheepish than to call their age-old institution old-fashioned and irrelevant. To bolster their argument, they cite such things as high divorce rates, lack of intimacy (which can lead to infidelity), and loss of excitement once the paper has been signed. Basically, by signing the paper and jumping the broom, they are killing the relationship. To save their relationship, they shouldn’t do what their ancestors did hundreds of years ago, they should evolve and recognize that true love doesn’t need a piece of paper to prove it and make it last. That kind of thing is old-fashioned. You see what they’ve done there?

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To be honest, I can’t say that I’m a fan of this debate. It has too much of an “us”-vs-“them” feel that, quite frankly, is unnecessary. If you really break it down, those who choose to marry and those who choose to be in a relationship without getting married want the exact same things. What are those things?

A sacred, honest relationship

Whether or not you choose marriage, if you’re in a monogamous relationship, you consider it a sacred union in which honesty is a priority. You don’t want a partner who cheats on you or takes the relationship lightly. This is a must-have if the relationship is going to last.

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A trustworthy friend

You want to be able to freely laugh, cry, and act the fool with your life partner. This is the person you emotionally allow into places that no one else should have access to. You are the most vulnerable with them and they are your soft place to fall.

A spicy sex life

When it’s time to get busy in the bedroom, there’s only one person you want to get busy with. Maintaining a hot, spicy, and active sex life requires work and commitment whether you’re married or not.

A strong family unit

If you and your partner choose to have children, then you do so knowing you plan to build a strong family unit on a solid lifetime foundation. This applies to married and unmarried couples who have decided they want to be in a committed relationship for life.

As we can see, there really is no “us”-vs-“them” when it comes to what couples in married and unmarried relationships want. And, I’m talking about the relationships where, like maturing a fine wine, these couples are willing to properly harvest and put in the work to make the relationship grow and last. There is one major difference, however.

Security

There is an amazing sense of peace that I get from knowing that my husband and I are truly one. According to the laws of the land, nothing can separate us without our say so. Aside from the other four reasons stated above, that peace also comes from that piece of paper we signed when we tied the knot.

So, to those who say that having that piece of paper is outdated and old-fashioned, I say this: In this article, you can have four reasons marriage is not outdated. Or, you can have five.

BMWK, what are some other reasons marriage is not outdated?

About the author

Joann Fisher wrote 139 articles on this blog.

Joann Fisher has been a writer and editor for both print and online newpapers and magazines for the last 10 years. She now serves as a Writer/Editor at BMWK and lead Editor for The Joy Network.

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