10 Signs Unresolved Pain is Taking a Toll on Your Marriage

BY: - 22 Mar '18 | Marriage

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How do you know that the pain has taken over and your marriage is suffering? It’s not very difficult. The most important part of making this assessment is the ability for you and your spouse to be completely honest with yourselves. This is where a couple needs to acknowledge not just how they feel about the pain they are experiencing, but how their feelings are being manifested in their behavior.

Another problem that many couples face is the gap that exists between how your spouse really feels, and how you think your spouse feels. Managing pain is a very unique experience, and unless someone tells you where he or she is in the process, you truly cannot determine where that person stands based on his or her behavior.

Although painful experiences seem to show up out of nowhere and slap you in the face, they actually do more than that. They find a way to become a part of your being, and then the pain settles in and becomes a part of the fabric of your marriage. How can you tell this is happening? Here are a few
signs that the pain is taking a serious toll and your marriage is suffering because of it.

  1. The pain is the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing on your mind before bed.
  2. You find yourself annoyed with your spouse because of how he or she is managing the pain.
  3. You feel like your spouse is distant and is not supporting you during your time of need.
  4. It’s beginning to feel like the pain will always be there.
  5. You can’t recall the last time you had a joyful experience with your spouse.

  1. It feels like your marriage is “falling apart.”
  2. The idea of working through the pain is starting to feel like too much.
  3. You are angry with your spouse.
  4. You are angry with yourself.
  5. You sense that you and/or your spouse are showing symptoms of depression.

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If any of the items listed above ring true for you, it means that your marriage is suffering as a result of a painful experience, or maybe even more than one painful experience. Acknowledging that this damage is taking place is half of the battle. The other half, of course, is determining what you can do to repair the damage and develop the skills you and your spouse need to strengthen your marriage and not only get back to where you were but become a stronger unit than you’ve ever been.

BMWK, are you ready to acknowledge if your marriage is suffering?

About the author

Kara Stevens wrote 149 articles on this blog.

Kara is a motivational speaker, life coach, and founder of the personal finance and lifestyle blog The Frugal Feminista .

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Newlyweds: 3 Important Marriage Lessons You Can Learn From Combining Two Homes Into One

BY: - 23 Mar '18 | Marriage

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You and the man of your dreams have successfully jumped the broom. You’re happy. He’s happy. All’s right with the world. Now it’s just a matter of figuring out how to make all right with your home. Combining two homes into one is no small task, but it can be done. In fact, it must be done if you truly desire a place where you and your new spouse can find peace and serenity.

But, aside from determining whether his faux leather couch goes with her suede loveseat, combining homes offers many great opportunities to start your marriage out on the right foot. As husband and wife, you begin to utilize three of the most important qualities of a lasting marriage. How you handle the process can determine whether your first year is headed for smooth sailing or choppy waters.

Communication

In order to make sure your newfound living arrangement doesn’t suffer a major setback, both you and your spouse have to effectively communicate exactly what you expect. He wants his autographed Tom Brady helmet front and center over the fireplace. She needs a place to display her original art pieces. A good conversation must be had in order to reach an amicable solution.

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While making sure you each find your moment of zen when you walk through the doors is critical, your communication style at this point can be even more crucial. By and large, communication is the mother of all skills when it comes to whether you enjoy or simply endure your marriage. Unless you begin to iron out the kinks to this skill from the get-go, your marriage will be in for some turbulent times.

So, how do you make sure you each get at least some of what you want?

Compromise

No, compromise is not a cuss word. Say it with me and learn to let it roll off of your lips. In every happy marriage, it is a word, and lesson learned quickly. The days of him saying “I just do what she says” will eventually find their way into her life. But for the newlywed couple, those days are earned at the school of compromise hard knocks. There is always, always a way to meet in the middle.

Interestingly the art of compromise is nowhere near as important as the why of compromise. Chances are that you wouldn’t have been able to walk down the aisle and pledge a lifetime of love if the needs of your spouse didn’t matter. So, if the neon orange plates he received from his dearly departed Nana didn’t matter before the wedding, don’t make them a point of contention after. Though her handmade sculptures won’t win her any awards, they are a source of pride and accomplishment and should be prominently displayed. Compromise because:

  • Your spouse’s feelings matter
  • Your spouse’s thoughts matter
  • Your spouse’s needs matter

Throughout the course of your marriage, you’ll need to remind yourself of these three things over and over again. As newlyweds, you might as well start saying it about the furniture.

So, how do you learn to give in even though you don’t feel like it?

Sacrifice

When a baseball player steps up to the plate and his teammate needs to make it home, he can hit a sacrifice fly to give his team a chance to score. Though the act can hurt his personal average, it’s more important that his team advances to a win. While I’m no baseball enthusiast, the concept behind this act is legit in my book when it comes to setting your marriage up to win.

From the start, you should begin to view your marriage through the lens of a team. It’s no longer his and hers, but ours. Though the bathroom towels might be embroidered according to gender, does it really matter if which one of you uses them? Most likely not.  So, while you compromise to preserve what matters to your spouse, you sacrifice to advance what matters to the team.

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If her rabbit hair rug throws off the feng shui of his solid oak nightstand in your bedroom, step up to the plate and let your beloved piece of furniture go. The love you make in that room will matter more than the decor, so step up to the plate forfeit your style. Your willingness or unwillingness to sacrifice in the early stages of your marriage can be a telltale sign of things to come. I suggest you start learning to take a hit for the team right from the start.

Combining your two homes into one can be quite the undertaking. But don’t get so caught up in the look of your home that you forget the peace of your home. Interior design should always take a backseat to the interior of your relationship. But, you can use the former to serve the latter by developing your marriage skills in communication, compromise, and sacrifice. And then you can really enjoy your home sweet home.

BMWK, are you enjoying or enduring your newlywed status? 

About the author

Joann Fisher wrote 150 articles on this blog.

Joann Fisher has been a writer and editor for both print and online newpapers and magazines for the last 10 years. She now serves as a Writer/Editor at BMWK and lead Editor for The Joy Network.

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