He’s Still “Not Sure” About Being Exclusive: What Should I Do?

BY: - 19 Mar '18 | Relationships

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Six months of talking on the phone every night.

Six months of planning trips together.

Six months of kissing…hugging…and…well, you know.

Instead of celebrating this milestone with a romantic dinner at Ruth’s Chris, Natasha reached out to me because she was confused about where she stood with a man she thought she was dating for six months, yet whenever she asked him about the status of their relationship, he’d tell her he wasn’t sure about becoming exclusive with her.

Can you relate?

If you’ve ever spent more than a few months with someone who never put a label on your relationship (and was very resistant to giving you the security you needed to move forward when you asked him to), then I want you to take back your personal power with these 3 jaw-dropping tips. 

Tip #1: You give away your power when you commit to a man before he commits to you.

  • You can feel intense chemistry.
  • You can feel a genuine connection.
  • But all that means is there is attraction.

Attraction is a feeling.
Commitment is a choice.

And when a man can’t or won’t commit–to the next date, to claiming you as his girlfriend, or to making you his wife–then his indecision is a decision.

When you make yourself available to him so you won’t lose him, or you suppress your discontent and disappointment so that you don’t make him uncomfortable, you submit to HIS plan for your life.

Let that sink in for a bit and then make a powerful decision to honor the vision you have for your life and romantic destiny.

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Tip #2:  The principle of least interest in sociology states that the person who cares the least has the most power in a relationship.  

When you tolerate dating a man for months–even years–who can’t tell you if or when he will commit, you exchange your power for empty promises.

The urgent, next step you need to take right now before you waste any more time, is to use your voice and express your needs for an exclusive relationship before you spend another day with him. Expect him to commit or let him step out of the way so the right man will step into your life.

Tip #3: Your true power is in asking for what you want.

When a man senses you’re afraid to lose him, he knows he doesn’t have to do much to woo you (just like a boss who knows you need the job–he feels he can treat you like a Hebrew slave!)

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You feel stressed because you’re trying to use a protective strength to deal with the fear that he doesn’t love you enough to commit his life to making you happy. You feel you have to fight for what you want, either by trying to fix yourself so he loves you more, or by constantly talking about it.
But convincing him to commit to you is not the true source of your power as a woman. Your true power is activated when you decide, “I am important. What I want matters. I deserve to have my needs met too.”

What if he doesn’t give you what you want?

Then you need to have the confidence to walk away.To do so, you need a strong belief that there is a partner out there who would be happy to commit to you. Ultimately, you need a strong, personal commitment to your own desires for love, marriage, a family and all of the highs and lows that come with it, so that you can confidently have the conversations about your needs and expectations with the man you’re seeing. Without this empowered mindset, you can be easily persuaded that the crumbs of attention he’s giving you are enough.

BMWK ladies, how long are you willing to date a man without having a label on the relationship?

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 174 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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10 Signs Unresolved Pain is Taking a Toll on Your Marriage

BY: - 22 Mar '18 | Marriage

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How do you know that the pain has taken over and your marriage is suffering? It’s not very difficult. The most important part of making this assessment is the ability for you and your spouse to be completely honest with yourselves. This is where a couple needs to acknowledge not just how they feel about the pain they are experiencing, but how their feelings are being manifested in their behavior.

Another problem that many couples face is the gap that exists between how your spouse really feels, and how you think your spouse feels. Managing pain is a very unique experience, and unless someone tells you where he or she is in the process, you truly cannot determine where that person stands based on his or her behavior.

Although painful experiences seem to show up out of nowhere and slap you in the face, they actually do more than that. They find a way to become a part of your being, and then the pain settles in and becomes a part of the fabric of your marriage. How can you tell this is happening? Here are a few
signs that the pain is taking a serious toll and your marriage is suffering because of it.

  1. The pain is the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing on your mind before bed.
  2. You find yourself annoyed with your spouse because of how he or she is managing the pain.
  3. You feel like your spouse is distant and is not supporting you during your time of need.
  4. It’s beginning to feel like the pain will always be there.
  5. You can’t recall the last time you had a joyful experience with your spouse.

  1. It feels like your marriage is “falling apart.”
  2. The idea of working through the pain is starting to feel like too much.
  3. You are angry with your spouse.
  4. You are angry with yourself.
  5. You sense that you and/or your spouse are showing symptoms of depression.

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If any of the items listed above ring true for you, it means that your marriage is suffering as a result of a painful experience, or maybe even more than one painful experience. Acknowledging that this damage is taking place is half of the battle. The other half, of course, is determining what you can do to repair the damage and develop the skills you and your spouse need to strengthen your marriage and not only get back to where you were but become a stronger unit than you’ve ever been.

BMWK, are you ready to acknowledge if your marriage is suffering?

About the author

Kara Stevens wrote 149 articles on this blog.

Kara is a motivational speaker, life coach, and founder of the personal finance and lifestyle blog The Frugal Feminista .

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