Single and Unattached? 5 Reasons Dating One Man at a Time Could Be a Big Mistake

BY: - 7 Mar '18 | Relationships

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Let’s say you meet a man who has everything you’ve been praying for.

  • He’s handsome.
  • He’s educated.
  • He’s kind.
  • He’s stable in every way.

The dates are exciting, and after a few months find yourself becoming attached to him. But then, things change. There’s friction and distance as you notice some serious incompatibilities that you can’t get past. After 6 months of talking, things come to an end. You’re hurt and disappointed, so you take a break from dating for 6 months. Before you know it, a whole year has passed, and you’re back at square one: still single! You’re a year older, and when you look down at your ring finger, it’s still empty. Pressure, anxiety and hopelessness sets in and you decided dating is just not worth putting your heart on the line.

If you’re the kind of sister who likes to date one man at a time because you’re afraid of looking thirsty or desperate, I’ve got to warn you: you are wasting your time! Here are 5 reasons why:

1. You Put Too Much Pressure On Men to Reveal Their Intentions On Date Number One

When you date one man at a time, you put too much pressure on men (and yourself) to somehow know if this person is your life partner on a first date. I know you don’t want to waste your time, so you interrogate men to figure out if they want love and marriage or if they just want to hook up. While some guys are just playing around and aren’t honest about their intentions, most men won’t tell you upfront if they want a wife. Why? Because they don’t want you to think they’re saying YOU are the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with. I mean, how can they know that from one coffee date? They want time to figure out who you are (and that’s a GOOD thing).

2. You Assume That A Few Great Dates Mean You’re In A Real Relationship

An exciting date with lots of chemistry and attraction doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in a relationship. The problem is you ACT like you’re in a relationship, limiting your options before you even know if you’re headed in the same direction. You’re setting yourself up for heartbreak, sis, because he has no obligation to commit just because you feel like you have a connection.

3. You Get Emotionally Attached Before You Get To Exclusivity

You need to be open with the man you’re dating, but don’t get emotionally attached until you’re exclusive. And you’re not exclusive until you hear the words, “I only want to date you,” and you’ve both discussed your relationship requirements and needs.

4. You Put Your Life On Hold While You Wait For Him To Figure Out What He Wants

You’ve been seeing each other for months now, but every time you ask him “what are we doing?” he claims you’re pressuring him. Your fertility clock is ticking and you’re worried he may not really want marriage, but you back off because you don’t want to lose him.

Putting your life on hold makes you lose your confidence. You’re settling for less by waiting for him to figure out what he wants, instead of giving yourself your own desires by continuing to meet men who are willing to give you the commitment you deserve.

5. You Stick It Out Even When You Discover He’s Not The One Because You Invested So Much Time Into The Relationship Already

As a dating coach, I’ve heard from so many sisters who have told me they spent 5, 10, and even 20 years in a relationship that they knew wasn’t right for them. They stayed because walking away would mean facing the harsh reality that they’d invested the best time of their life with someone who never wanted to build a real life with them.

There’s another way to date that can keep you off the emotional roller coaster of the “I-think-I-met-my-husband-on-date-number-2–ops-you-aren’t-the-one-I’m-brokenhearted-now-I’ve-got-to-start-over” cycle that drags your heart through the ringer and wastes your time.

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The answer is to date casually, meeting lots of different men until you meet someone who is compatible and also desires love and commitment like you do. Dating more than one person at a time frees you from the pressure of figuring to if you’ve met your husband from a first text. And going out with a variety of men helps you get clear on the right man is for you. You’ll stop giving away your power, hoping a man chooses you, and instead exercise the right to be selective about who can win your heart.

BMWK single ladies, if you’re serious about relationships, are you willing to date casually? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 182 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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You Have Two Suitors But Only One Heart: How Do You Make Up Your Mind?

BY: - 12 Mar '18 | Relationships

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After struggling for some years with finding good men to date, you follow my advice to open up and meet a variety of men. You try online dating and it’s going well, but now you have a bigger problem: You have two suitors who are amazing, kind, and equally interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you. You have off the charts chemistry with one man, but you’re worried that means he’s familiar to you (and you’ve dated the wrong men in the past). Should you choose the other guy, even though there’s not much of a spark yet?

Having too many men to choose from is a good problem to have. It’s the natural result of shifting from a scarcity mindset (“there are no good men out here!”) to an abundance perspective (“I can attract any man I want”).

But how do you choose between the two if they’re equally awesome (and you like them both)?  I want to share 5 questions to ask yourself before you make a final decision.

1. Have I seen both men in their natural environment?

You can fall in love with a person when they’re courting you, taking you on fun, romantic dates, and sending you “good morning beautiful” texts every day. But you’ll see what’s really inside him when he’s on his home turf. So make one of your dates a “regular” hang out day. Go grocery shopping, run errands, and meet his friends. Do you notice any behaviors you just don’t like about him? Mark those down as red flags.

2. Do I feel more connected to one of them?

Connection is more than chemistry. Creating a connection requires that both of you are open and easy to get to know. If you feel more of a connection with one man it could be a sign he’s willing to be more vulnerable with you.

3. Am I more of my authentic, best self with one gentleman over the other?

Do you feel like you have to send your representative to a date with one man, but you easily let down your guards with another? Pay attention to that because it’s a sign that one man is able to make you feel safe to be yourself when you’re with him.

4. What are their bad qualities and how do they impact me?

Take a sheet of paper and fold it in half. On the left-hand side, write down everything you like about your first suitor. On the right-hand side, list all of the negative things you’ve noticed. Repeat with your second suitor. Now imagine that you’re in a relationship with this guy. How will his road rage show up in an argument? Does he have a temper? Is he passive about taking care of problems in his life?

5. What do I want my life to look like and which man could best help me create that vision?

I want you to think bigger than just choosing a man. I want you to think about choosing a life because the person you date and marry will be one of the biggest influences on your lifestyle. So write down what you want an ideal weekend to look like with your perfect partner. Describe it in detail. Then put your vision map away and observe the men you’re dating from the lens of who could best help you create the life you want.

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When you have two suitors but only one heart, the decision of who you want to move forward with can be gut-wrenching. Use this list to make the choice a little easier so you can live your best life with the greatest love of your life.

BMWK ladies, how would you choose between two equally eligible bachelors? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 182 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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