You Have Two Suitors But Only One Heart: How Do You Make Up Your Mind?

BY: - 12 Mar '18 | Relationships

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After struggling for some years with finding good men to date, you follow my advice to open up and meet a variety of men. You try online dating and it’s going well, but now you have a bigger problem: You have two suitors who are amazing, kind, and equally interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you. You have off the charts chemistry with one man, but you’re worried that means he’s familiar to you (and you’ve dated the wrong men in the past). Should you choose the other guy, even though there’s not much of a spark yet?

Having too many men to choose from is a good problem to have. It’s the natural result of shifting from a scarcity mindset (“there are no good men out here!”) to an abundance perspective (“I can attract any man I want”).

But how do you choose between the two if they’re equally awesome (and you like them both)?  I want to share 5 questions to ask yourself before you make a final decision.

1. Have I seen both men in their natural environment?

You can fall in love with a person when they’re courting you, taking you on fun, romantic dates, and sending you “good morning beautiful” texts every day. But you’ll see what’s really inside him when he’s on his home turf. So make one of your dates a “regular” hang out day. Go grocery shopping, run errands, and meet his friends. Do you notice any behaviors you just don’t like about him? Mark those down as red flags.

2. Do I feel more connected to one of them?

Connection is more than chemistry. Creating a connection requires that both of you are open and easy to get to know. If you feel more of a connection with one man it could be a sign he’s willing to be more vulnerable with you.

3. Am I more of my authentic, best self with one gentleman over the other?

Do you feel like you have to send your representative to a date with one man, but you easily let down your guards with another? Pay attention to that because it’s a sign that one man is able to make you feel safe to be yourself when you’re with him.

4. What are their bad qualities and how do they impact me?

Take a sheet of paper and fold it in half. On the left-hand side, write down everything you like about your first suitor. On the right-hand side, list all of the negative things you’ve noticed. Repeat with your second suitor. Now imagine that you’re in a relationship with this guy. How will his road rage show up in an argument? Does he have a temper? Is he passive about taking care of problems in his life?

5. What do I want my life to look like and which man could best help me create that vision?

I want you to think bigger than just choosing a man. I want you to think about choosing a life because the person you date and marry will be one of the biggest influences on your lifestyle. So write down what you want an ideal weekend to look like with your perfect partner. Describe it in detail. Then put your vision map away and observe the men you’re dating from the lens of who could best help you create the life you want.

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When you have two suitors but only one heart, the decision of who you want to move forward with can be gut-wrenching. Use this list to make the choice a little easier so you can live your best life with the greatest love of your life.

BMWK ladies, how would you choose between two equally eligible bachelors? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 178 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Beyond Sex: How to Make a Marriage Work Outside of the Bedroom

BY: - 14 Mar '18 | Marriage

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One of the greatest pleasures of marriage is knowing you have the opportunity to have awesome sex, almost at will. For many couples in a relationship that’s headed toward marriage, the status quo is that you should be physically intimate with the person before you wed to “make sure” you are compatible. Unfortunately, many times, couples substitute hot sex for emotional love. After you walk down the aisle, life has to move beyond the bedroom and function in all the other rooms of the house and beyond. So, here are some ways to make your marriage work outside of the bedroom.

Marriage in the Living Room

The living room is a great place to have some truly intimate moments with your spouse. It is the place where you “live” together. There are opportunities to be close to your mate physically and emotionally. It’s a place to watch movies that you both enjoy, or have meaningful conversations, or play fun games. It is a great place to bond without sex necessarily being involved. Of course, some of those moments where you emotionally connect in the living room can lead to action on some other furniture besides the bed.

Marriage in the Kitchen

In an odd way, marriage in the kitchen can be as “hot” as marriage in the bedroom. This is probably the one place where you get to use all of your senses and truly enjoy time with your partner. To make your marriage work in the kitchen, spend time cooking meals together. It’s a great opportunity for teamwork and fun conversations. Of course, some of those moments where you emotionally connect in the kitchen can lead to action with tools and tastes not found in the bedroom.

Marriage in Dining Room

Some of the most successful couples will tell you that eating a meal together contributes to a fulfilling married life. Spending time talking over a nice meal (even nicer if prepared together in the kitchen), can help you de-stress and release some of the hardships of the day. That time needs to be about more than just talking about stuff that needs to be taken care of. It’s a time to talk about your struggles and the things going on in your heart.

Marriage Away From Home

Bonding opportunities away from home can be a challenge. But there are some ways to make sure you don’t miss out on times and place you can connect with your mate.

  • Send a nice text message to your spouse while they’re at work
  • Call your spouse during your lunch break and let them know you’re thinking about them
  • Surprise your spouse with a nice delivery – whether personally or via courier

Marriage With Extended Family

By far, this has to be one of the most challenging parts of a relationship. It can be easy to run back to family or friends as a safe haven when you begin to experience challenges in your relationship. But if you are to make your marriage work, you have to keep airing your married business to your family down to the bare minimum, if at all. The temptation is to desire someone familiar to be on your side, but it’s unfair without them hearing both sides of a conflict. It also puts a bad taste in their mouth for your spouse. Eventually, you are setting your spouse up for a combative relationship with your extended family. The truth is, your spouse is your family now. So, if you want to make your marriage work, then put your spouses best face forward with your extended family.

A good romp in the bedroom is exciting in a loving marriage. But a loving marriage is achieved beyond the bedroom. Remember that even if you and your spouse have the hottest sex and are able to compartmentalize your emotions, it won’t be long before unfulfilled emotional needs turn a hot sex life cold. When you take time to build your relationship outside of the bedroom, you will build a marriage that will last for life.

BMWK, are you ready to make marriage work outside of the bedroom?

About the author

Joann Fisher wrote 154 articles on this blog.

Joann Fisher has been a writer and editor for both print and online newpapers and magazines for the last 10 years. She now serves as a Writer/Editor at BMWK and lead Editor for The Joy Network.

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