3 Vital Pieces to Restoring Intimacy When All Else Fails

BY: - 27 Apr '18 | Intimacy

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You’ve done it all. The date nights, the back rubs, the conversations. You’ve transformed your bedroom into a sensual sanctuary. You’ve done all you can to be warm and caring and loving and taken all the practical steps to improve your intimacy with your spouse and somehow, something is still missing. That intimacy is not there. You still have not been able to find that connection with your spouse, let alone maintain it.

So what then? What do you do when all else fails?

Your next step, in addition to seeking marriage counseling, is to start by getting back to basics. If you continue to try to improve the intimacy within your marriage and keep hitting a wall, chances are it is failing because you are building your efforts on top of an unstable foundation. It is likely that there is something broken at the root of your marriage. All of the superficial activities will do nothing if there isn’t something uniting you under the surface.

According to Dr. Buckingham, intimacy often fails in a marriage when couples lose sight of the purpose or vision for their marriage—also known as the spiritual intimacy discussed earlier. Sometimes it may be that couples failed to discover that purpose and vision to begin with. Yet the fact that this vital, deeper level of intimacy is missing doesn’t mean that it can’t be created.

Dr. Buckingham provides three vital pieces on how to begin restoring intimacy when it feels like you’ve gone as far as you can go.

1. Restoring intimacy takes two people who are willing to work. You can’t get there with just one partner. Both spouses need to be willing to work on who they are and what they need, and they need to be willing to work together to meet each other’s needs.

2. Both spouses need to do some serious self-reflection. What is it that you need? What is it that your spouse needs? Before you can even get to the point where you are addressing each other’s needs, you need to be clear on what those needs are.

3. Determine what it will take for you both to get to where you need to be, then start the work to get there. No matter what, there will always be a work component to fixing problems of intimacy in your marriage. It’s not just enough to know what you need; it also takes being flexible and understanding to walk along the path to getting there.

“Start with the spiritual, then the emotional. The sexual will come after all of that,” says Dr. Buckingham. “Once spiritual intimacy has been established, it’s easier to establish all the others.” The levels of intimacy may be complex. It may sometimes be challenging to build or maintain. There may be a place in your marriage that you have to regularly re-think and revisit.

Yet no matter how much your intimacy may ebb and flow, the fact that it is a vital piece to your marriage puzzle never changes. Being diligent about maintaining the intimate relationship with your spouse will help you build the type of partnership to keep you close enough to take any bumps on the road toward a marriage that lasts a lifetime.

BMWK, are you ready fight for intimacy in your marriage?

About the author

Aja Dorsey Jackson wrote 213 articles on this blog.

Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marriage educator in Baltimore, Maryland and author of the blog and book, Making Love in the Microwave.


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5 Common Causes of a Sexless Marriage

BY: - 18 May '18 | Intimacy

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One of the most common Google searches on married life is ‘sexless marriage’. According to research, 20 percent of married couples haven’t had sex in over a year. This amounts to 40 million Americans considering themselves in a sexless marriage. If you find yourself in this situation, know that you are not alone and that there is hope. In this two-part article series, I will first outline five common causes of a sexless marriage. Then, in my next article, I’ll address how to fix them.

Life gets in the way

There is a term for the busy life without a focus on the marriage – Dual Income, No Sex. Before bills and babies, the two of you were different. The increase in responsibilities can be stressful. Common stressors are money, children, work or business and family. Listen to what’s going on with your spouse. Don’t compare your younger carefree selves to your now responsible selves. It’s not a fair comparison. Work together to find ways to reduce the stress. For example, you may have to send the children to bed earlier so you can have private time as a couple. Or decide to exercise together after work and then hop in the shower together. Two great ways to reduce stress and increase intimacy!

Emotional wounds are not addressed

Sex and intimacy are vital to any marriage. So is trust. If you have some reason not to trust your spouse or yourself, then you need to get help. Harboring unforgiveness is more likely hurting you more than your spouse. Certain feelings can be the reason a spouse is holding out on sex. Communicate with your spouse or get professional help. Finding solutions to a sexless marriage is a team effort. If one of you isn’t willing to work on solutions, you will stay in this situation.

Side effects of medications can be an issue

Many prescription meds have sexual side effects. Think back. Was a new medicine or supplement started by you or your spouse? Did you keep the long sheet of paper from the pharmacy? You can check online for side effects. If you see low sex drive or difficulty with arousal, call the doctor. You and your spouse should be working together to be healthier. The doctor will understand you want to have a healthy sex life with your spouse.

Your body is getting older

Menopause. Erectile Dysfunction. Diabetes. Slower Metabolism. They can affect the quality of sex in your marriage. But they don’t have to be reasons for not having sex. Take a trip to the doctor – you and your spouse. Talk with your doctor about adjustments in your diet or in your medication. Share with them the effects that the condition is having on your sex life. Remember you are not alone. You may even find some new hot spots as you explore one another’s mature bodies.

Personal body image is important

Nothing kills a sex drive faster than not loving your body. Bodies change. If you see a lot of negativity when you look in the mirror it’s time to change that! When you begin to love what you see in the mirror you become a more confident version of yourself. One way to do this is to give yourself compliments. So as you look at yourself in the mirror try giving yourself a compliment. This will help you become more confident. More self-confidence will fuel you to put the romance back into your marriage. Your husband will love nothing more than a confident, sexy wife!

BMWK, is your marriage suffering as a result of any of these sex killing symptoms? In my next article, I will share strategies for bringing sex back into your sexless marriage.

Click Here to Join our FREE 5-Day Spiritual Intimacy Challenge

About the Author: Gail Crowder is a certified marriage and life coach plus best-selling author. She has been on dozens of television and radio shows for her expert advice on lifestyles and relationships. Her company focuses on “Bringing Sexy Back to the Marriage” (BSB) and provides a safe space dedicated to the spiritual and sexual enhancement of marriages for the modern-day wife. Visit Gail online: https://gailcrowder.com/.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1255 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com


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