My Boyfriend Turned Into Secret Man: Should I Investigate or Move On?

BY: - 17 Apr '18 | Infidelity

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I am writing you to see if I should continue dating my current guy. We have been together for a few years now and started talking about marriage last year. I was excited about the progress that we were making. Then, all of a sudden, this joker changed up on me. We went from sharing everything including Facebook status and money to sharing nothing.

Lately, this joker has changed his Facebook page to private, guards his phone like it is a two million dollar diamond and spends a lot of timing chatting on social media. I am not sure what happened, but he has become this super secret person who acts like he has something to hide. Also, over the last four months, he has not mentioned anything about marriage. My Boyfriend Turned into Secret Man: Should I Go Into Investigation Mode or Just Move On?

Thanks,

Ms. Future Investigator

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Ms. Future Investigator,

You have to decide what is best for you. However, I do not think that it is healthy to date someone or enter into marriage acting like a private investigator. Given this, I do not recommend that you go into investigation mode. If you cannot and do not trust him then you should move on. Your life and his life will be miserable if you start snooping through his things. Also, you do not need to look for anything because he has already put the clues in front of you. Clue number one, he is not ready for marriage; clue number two, he is acting like a classic cheater.

Based on his behavior he is probably cheating. And if he is not cheating he probably will cheat in the future. It is not my intent to judge him without knowing him. However, he is demonstrating all of the warning signs of someone who is cheating. We do not always understand what individuals are thinking if they do not share with us, but we can learn a lot about individuals by paying attention to their behavior. Therefore, I highly recommend that you take heed and pay attention to his behavioral tendencies. You can convince yourself to believe whatever you want regarding how he feels about you, but do not ignore how he treats you.

One of the biggest mistakes that I see a lot of women and men make in relationships is staying with someone who does not want them around. If he honors you he will make himself available to you. If you cannot relate to him and him to you, then there is no relationship.

You should spend some time thinking about what you need and want in a relationship. I say this not to be mean to you, but because the minute you begin to entertain the idea of being in a drama-filled relationship, that’s the minute you begin to position yourself to be miserable. Do not sell yourself short or lower your dignity for someone who does not know the value of what it means to be in one. Be patient, but not in this relationship.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 216 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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18 Telling Signs an Emotional Affair Has Your Marriage Twisted

BY: - 18 Apr '18 | Infidelity

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So your spouse may not be having sex with someone else, but they’re spending a whole heck of a lot of time “just” talking, emailing and texting!  You may ask “does that count as an affair”? Absolutely! An emotional affair, which is a close, intimate, emotional attachment is still considered an affair—an affair of the heart. And there are telling signs that an emotional affair has your marriage twisted.

It’s a secret relationship in which a commitment is involved, thus creating a form of infidelity.  It can all happen quite innocently. Truthfully, most times, it does. But how?

You know that little voice that has tried (or is trying) to caution you to think twice.  The little voice sounds like this…

  • “Don’t entertain that conversation”
  • “It is not a good idea to have lunch with her/him” or
  • “Perhaps I should not share that intimate detail of our marriage with him/her”.

These days, emotional affairs start out via Facebook or with an “innocent” friendship in the workplace.  We like to think in many cases we are exempt and/or we can handle it because we are strong. We might think, “I got this.” Or we might justify our behaviors with saying to ourselves “what can it hurt?”

Emotional affairs are not harmless!

Learn how to affair-proof your marriage from this day forward with our FREE eGuide – 3 Ways to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

Take it from someone who has experience. I have done exactly this and it hurts like hell! Assuming you have a concience and are honest with your spouse, the pain becomes very real very fast.

I get it; these encounters appear innocent, maybe even “safe” replacements to “cheating” on your spouse. But, let’s be clear, the reality is this is still cheating. And, the truth that no one tells us upfront is that these encounters will lead you down the road of possibly destroying your marriage.

“A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships” – according to The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

The statement is backed up by alarming statistics conducted through a national poll. While the findings showed that 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men have had sexual affairs, it was also revealed that an additional 20 percent of married couples have been impacted by emotional infidelity.

Let me drop some wisdom. Not everyone actually cheats intentionally!  Neither my husband nor I planned to cheat.  Don’t get me wrong; there are some folks who knowingly choose to start having physical affairs outside of their marriage.  However, there are a surprising number of people who are just lonely, seeking friendship, have yet to identify their unresolved issues and they don’t actually realize that they’ve invested more in this “other” person emotionally than with their spouse. That’s the beginning of an emotional affair.

They’re not bad people, but they are seeking comfort with someone other than their spouse.

Here are 18 very telling signs that your so-called friendship is entering the not-so-gray area of emotional infidelity:

  1. You put way more effort into your appearance for him/her than your spouse.
  2. You lie to your spouse about talking to and/or seeing him/her.
  3. You do thoughtful things for him/her that you do not do for your spouse.
  4. You are spending way more time with him/her than your spouse.
  5. You’re texting (or even sexting) with him/her while trying to keep it secret from your spouse.
  6. You laugh more with him/her than your spouse.
  7. You think about him/her more than your spouse
  8. You compare your spouse to him/her in unfavorable ways.
  9. You impatiently anticipate your next meeting with him/her.
  10. You feel more understood by him/her rather than your own spouse.
  11. You reassure yourself and other people, “we’re just friends.”
  12. You feel uncomfortable when your spouse says something about him/her (assuming your spouse knows them).
  13. You tell him/her things about yourself that you have not shared with your spouse.
  14. You tell “little white lies” intentionally to your spouse to talk to and/or see him/her.
  15. You are distracted when he/she is around.
  16. You show off for him/her.
  17. Your emotions are growing more powerful and intense for him/her.
  18. You feel more alive when he/she is around (or merely thinking about him/her).

Now What? Well, here’s my advice to my clients. The first step to ending any affair (even an emotional one) is to be honest with yourself and admit this is an affair!  It is not usually realistic or suggested to “simply” return back to being “just” friends.  The best course of action in most cases is to cut ties with your crush completely.

You may be split on whether you should tell your spouse that you’ve been crushing on someone else.  One thing is clear: You wouldn’t have had such a soul connection with your crush if there weren’t unresolved issues in your marriage. It is vital to address those problems and take steps to enhance the emotional connection in your actual marriage.  I highly recommend attending couples therapy, which can help you both sort out your feelings under the guidance of a trained professional.

There will always be someone who catches your eye as long as you’re searching for one. If you’ve been looking, the best thing you can do is admit it to yourself and figure out why you’re doing so in the first place. In that case, individual therapy, along with couples therapy may not be a bad idea.

BMWK, are you having an emotional affair?

About the author

Da-Nay Macklin wrote 57 articles on this blog.

Coach Da-Nay Macklin is a Certified Christian Life & Relationship Coach, founder of the Courageous Conquerors Mastermind and Author of Love After Adultery: The Breakthrough Journey of the Brokenhearted Available on Amazon She is one of the nation’s leading experts on infidelity and a thought leader on maximizing potential as she assists couples and individuals to live life by design and not default. Da-Nay has been has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network’s show Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal after successfully navigating adultery in her marriage, and named one of the 15 most powerful women on the south side of Chicago. She now resides in Charlotte, NC with her loving husband and daughter.

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