3 Ways to Prevent Your Bedroom From Becoming a Mortuary

BY: - 6 Apr '18 | Intimacy

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There are so many men who are dealing with being rejected in the bedroom by their wives. Instead of being a pleasure palace, your bedroom is becoming a mortuary. I’ve talked to so many men who have expressed their heart on this issue. This is an emotionally unhealthy place for a man to find himself. If you are in that position, you must turn your desire and need over to God during these times. God already knows how you feel and understands this is difficult to express in words because your soul is in agony.

As a man, you must know that your need for sex is real. You must deal with the reality of your situation and not fall into sinful lust. You must deny yourself of any other resource that could bring sexual pleasure. This is the time that, as a man, you must yield yourself before God and ask Him to prevent your bedroom from becoming a mortuary. Here are 3 ways to bring your bedroom back to life and ignite the flames of passion.

Take Your Prayer Life to the Next Level in the Bedroom

Your prayer life must intensify, and you literally must cry out to God. Ask Him to help you to continue to be the man He wants you to be. The movie, War Room exemplifies the true essence of implementing the Word of God within a marriage. In the movie, “Miss Clara” taught a wife how to go into her secret place to win the heart of her husband. Her secret place represented where she “went to war” spiritually.

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As men, we can do the same thing. We must make a big, bold, and brave decision to do something we have never done before to turn things around so we can experience love like no other. As believers, I find that we have not been taught how to correlate the intimacy in our marriage to our prayer life with God. Sexual intercourse between a husband and wife is an act of worship. Husbands and wives must look at intimacy and sex as a unified weapon to destroy the schemes and wiles of the devil. The moment your bedroom becomes a mortuary, the devil wins. You must believe in intimacy to the degree that it makes you closer, not only in your marriage but in your walk with God.

Be Vulnerable with your Spouse in the Bedroom

As a man, can you be vulnerable for one minute and admit that you have been weakened because of rejection. This can cause your confidence and stamina to diminish for various reasons. When a man’s confidence has been stolen or damaged, it impacts his strength to go beyond the veil. He will not experience the maximum from that divine secret place of intimacy. I know that this is a hard truth to face because it lowers your self-esteem. What man wants to humble himself to confess that his self-esteem has been diminished? A real man who is ready to ignite the flames of passion once again can make this confession.

To do so, you must be transparent. If you want to prevent your bedroom from becoming a mortuary, be quick to share your feelings with your spouse. Time is of the essence so don’t bottle up your emotions. This can lead to anger and frustration. Admitting that something is bothering you will help you address the problem immediately, and your spouse will see your attempt at honesty. The more vulnerable you can become the more you can be yourself. In return, it will aid in forming more of an emotional connection with your spouse. Your bedroom should be a haven a place of refuge. Some things don’t just happen. They must be created.

Respect and Serve Unconditionally in the Bedroom

Intimacy and sex can be magnified as though it is the ultimate encounter a man needs. Although it is a need, it is not the main ingredient. The main ingredient for a man is respect. He is made to receive respect, especially from his wife.

A wife respecting her husband exemplifies her trust in his ability to provide leadership. Within the protection lies provision for a man. As the wife shows respect, she is providing the husband emotional stability. Despite our downfalls, her respect makes her man feel good about himself. Every man recognizes that he has feelings and he must be allowed to acknowledge that respect “kneads” those feelings.

A husband and wife must die to self for his/her spouse to live. One reason a marriage is put together by God is for each person to meet the sexual need of the other. You must make your place of intimacy with the mindset that it is not about you. Unavoidably, there are times that you’re going to be tired and just don’t feel like sacrificing for the other person. However, a marriage requires really giving your all to serve your spouse by meeting each other’s needs on your own without seeming as if it’s a duty.

By: Deavin Ross

About the Author: Deavin Ross, author of L.O.V.E – The Second Time Around: Strategies and insight on how men can heal from the detriments of divorce, establish blended families, and rebuild their confidence as a man & husband! To learn more about Deavin Ross visit his website at www.theloveauthor.com.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1250 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

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Strong Black Woman Baggage: 7 Tips to Let Go for a More Intimate Marriage

BY: - 11 Apr '18 | Intimacy

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Do you feel like you always have to be a strong black woman? Truth be told, “Strong Black Woman Baggage” is a thing. It’s a thing that makes it difficult for a black woman to let go and have a more intimate marriage. If you don’t know what it looks like, consider the following questions:

  • Do you feel the weight of other people depending on you to always have the answer?
  • Are you feeling tired, exhausted, or maybe even depressed or anxious because of this?
  • Are you feeling overwhelmed with lists upon lists upon to-do lists to complete?
  • Do you have this nagging feeling that something needs to change, but you have been avoiding that thought?
  • Are you numbing yourself either through social media, shopping, eating, watching Netflix, working or hustling so much so you’ve looked up and there are hours that have gone by?
  • Do you have a hard time depending on other people to get things done?
  • Do you ever feel like if you want it done right you have to do it yourself, so you don’t ask for help or allow others to help you?
  • Has this ever gotten in the way of you being intimate with your husband?

These questions above are signs that you may be accepting the label of Superwoman or The Strong Black Woman. If you are feeling as though being a wife, mother,  and living your life has become a burden, then you may be dealing with the pressures of being a strong black woman.

Yes, I know at times this is a good thing! I know that this can be helpful when you need to get things done or if there is no one around that you can depend on to help. I get it. But what about the times when it’s not a good thing? What about the times when being a strong woman is impacting your relationships, including your marriage?

Women, specifically black women, have shouldered many of the burdens in the home. Maybe because being a strong woman is the expectation of what being a wife and mother looks like. Or perhaps they lack clear boundaries. Others become that way out of necessity. Women can play tapes in their heads about what has to happen in order for their household to function properly. Unfortunately, some of those tapes can get in the way of having a happier more balanced life.

“The Strong Black Woman Syndrome” continues to come up in my therapy practice repeatedly with women who come in suffering from stress, depression, anxiety, issues with balance or perfectionism, and issues in their relationships. The pressure that black women feel can cause an inordinate amount of stress and impact their health. Chronic stress has been associated with high blood pressure, obesity, heart disease, ongoing physical ailments, and mental illness. These things not only impact how you show up for your spouse, but how you show up for yourself.

To address some of the common issues that strong black women face in their relationships I have included 7 tips below.

  1. Don’t allow the inner critic to take over your internal conversation. This means don’t allow the critical inner voice that we all have to take over what you tell yourself about who you are and about who your spouse is.
  2. Effectively communicate your needs and wants without a shield of protection around you.

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  1. Let down your guard with your husband. Some examples of being guarded include: always being defensive or appearing angry; punishing your husband when he does not complete a task the way you believe it should have been done; trying to control all the aspects of your life and his; acting like you are not bothered when he does not speak to you in your love language.
  2. Be vulnerable. This is probably the toughest one. Many of us were raised to know how to take care of ourselves regardless of if we are married or not. Others were raised in a home where they had to be strong in order to survive and that mentality has seeped over into your relationship. Being in survival mode keeps you in a state of stress, a state of fight or flight, where you are either fighting to take care of yourself or running away. This can come up in times of conflict over how to parent, finances, sex… if you feel threatened you will resort to the habit or behavior that is most comfortable for you in the moment even if it is not the most beneficial.
  3. Stop judging yourself. Give yourself some grace. Becoming strong did not happen overnight so becoming more vulnerable won’t either. Seek support and help to make this possible. You may need professional help with this especially if you have a past that didn’t allow you to be vulnerable because you had to be strong to protect yourself or for survival.
  4. Be present in the moment with your husband. Let go of the past things that may have hurt you and that you can get over. Keeping score only builds up resentment which can lead to contempt. Contempt is the leading cause of divorce.
  5. Allow your husband to love you. I know that may seem obvious, but sometimes strong women get in the way of others loving them. Ask for what you need, allow your husband to fulfill it, and show your appreciation for it whether he hits the nail on the head or not. If he doesn’t, give him some grace and communicate your appreciation and then share what you truly desired. If he knocked it out of the park, reciprocate with appreciating him in his love language. Create a cycle of giving and vulnerability. Allow yourself to lean into his love and support for you and keep the cycle going.

Letting go of some of the messages and tapes that can play in your head about being a strong black woman is hard, but learning to balance and appreciate where you are. It is a gift not only to you but to your husband.

BMWK, are you ready to shed the “strong black woman baggage” for a more intimate marriage?

About the Author: Alisha Curry Walker is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Coach in an online private practice in Georgia. She has been a therapist for 20 years and is one-half of The Marriage Coaches. She has created Killing Superwoman: 5 Strategies to Release the Burdens of the Strong Black Woman, an online course with practical actionable tips to slay the burdens of the strong black woman. You can find out more information and register for the course here.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1250 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

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