‘Nice for What?’ How to Handle a Return Ghoster

BY: - 16 Apr '18 | Single

Share this article!

TNMTalkCoupleSeriousFeature

He ghosted you after 6 months of dating. Now he’s popping back into your life like nothing happened. No apology. No explanation. What should you do?

Ghosters leave you with unanswered questions: Was it something I said? Did he not like me? Was he lying to me the entire time?

Someone who ghosts you lacks accountability and integrity. So when he returns wanting to pick up where things left off, it can be bewildering. Your past disappointment turns into hope, but it’s fleeting:

  • What does he want?
  • Does he want to try again?
  • Does he still have feelings for me?
  • Or is he just looking for me to forgive him for ghosting me?

You may have these same questions about someone you dated seriously who suddenly reappears in your life without acknowledging what their intentions are. Do you give him another chance? Should you respond to their text messages? What if you miss out on rekindling a romance? Or what if you’re setting yourself up for failure again?

Let me give you some guiding principles to help you make your decision:

  1. Be realistic. Don’t give in to fantasies about what “could be.” Both the ghoster and the ex-boyfriend need to prove themselves before you get your hopes up. Let them take the lead and watch for consistency. If you find their interest level goes from hot to lukewarm, you shouldn’t invest too much time and energy into exploring this relationship.
  2. Ask him why he broke up and what he wants now: Just because these guys showed up on your digital doorstep acting like nothing happened, doesn’t mean you should let them in your life without having a conversation about the past. If he dodges the question or gives you a “fluff” answer, you should proceed with caution.
  3. Go slowly: Don’t put your heart out there too quickly. Keep dating other people so that you won’t put your life on hold for someone who hasn’t been reliable in the past. These men have to do a lot to impress you and win your heart this time around.

You may feel obligated to answer his text messages, but before you decide to be nice and give him another chance, take a cue from Drake’s latest hit single and say, “nice for what?!” Just because you have a history together doesn’t mean you should have a future with him. Take your time and evaluate if he’s worth a second chance.

BMWK, have you ever been haunted by someone who ghosted you in the past? How did you handle it?

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 174 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress

Leave a Reply

Get
Single/Dating Articles Delivered To Your Inbox Daily! Sign up below!

Déjà Vu Dating: How to Break the Cycle of Choosing the Wrong Man

BY: - 25 Apr '18 | Single

Share this article!

tnmwomanthinking2_feature

Are you a victim of déjà vu dating?. If your group chats with your best girlfriends are filled with complaints like–“Why does it always end up the same way?  We’re in love, but he won’t commit. I shut down, then we’re in a limbo state. Before I know it, he’s on Facebook posting pictures with his new boo, and telling the world he’s going to get married. What’s wrong with me?”–then you are trapped in a cycle of either choosing the wrong man, ( or making the wrong choices with the right one).

Déjà vu is the feeling you get when you’re in a new situation but it feels like you’ve already lived through it. Déjà vu dating, then, is that feeling you get when you keep meeting the same man with a different face. You’re stuck in a pattern but you can’t seem to break free. I want to help you breakthrough this frustrating and vicious cycle so you can stop wasting time and choose a lasting relationship.

Breakthrough #1: Finish Your Past Relationships

One reason you keep choosing the same types of men is you have unfinished business from past relationships. Hear me: I know you feel like you’re over it and you may not even talk with your ex anymore, but you’ve got to know that all relationships leave an imprint on your heart and soul. When you don’t clear the emotional impact of the past, you could spend a lifetime unconsciously seeking out new relationships to fix the old wounds.

Stephen B. Poulter, Ph.D. calls this the ex-factor. “The accumulation of lost dreams, broken promises, disillusionment, regret, emotional setbacks, disenchantment with past romantic partners, and unrealistic expectations all make up your ex-factor.” It doesn’t matter if you were with someone for 20 years or 20 days. What matters is the emotional impact the relationship had on your life. To break the cycle of choosing the wrong men, and create a fresh new beginning, you’ve got to bring closure to the past.” 

Breakthrough #2: Connect the Dots 

Maybe all of your heartaches are a result of partners who deceived you. They hid their true selves from you, and you ended up on the short end of the stick because you trusted them. I still want you to connect the dots between your present frustration in dating and your past choices so that you can sharpen your discernment for the future.

Let go of any self-blame or judgment. I don’t want you to be hard on yourself at all. I want you to get curious and ask yourself, “Why did I trust him so easily? What did I miss and how did I explain it away?” The answer will lead you to the root of your Déjà vu dating pattern and you’ll have the clarity to move forward!

Breakthrough #3: Write Down the Lessons You’ve Learned

You didn’t waste your time in the wrong relationships. You gave that time away to someone you trusted, for better or worse. And now it’s time to get clear on the lessons you’ve learned so you can emerge stronger and wiser than ever before. Just be careful that the lessons you claim don’t cause you to harden your heart to love in the future. For example, “I’ll never trust anyone again,” is not a lesson. It’s a vow remain closed to love. You want to stay open! So you may reframe the pain of a broken heart into something like, “I’ve learned to trust myself and my instincts. I won’t second-guess myself again, and If I do, I’ll reach out to people I trust who can help me see if I’m missing any red flags.”

If the new man you’ve just met is making you feel like Déjà vu, then that could be a sign that you haven’t done the work in your heart and mind to clear away the past and make powerful new decisions in love.

Claim your breakthrough! End the cycle of dating the same man with a different name so you can feel free and get the love you want.

BMWK, what lessons have you learned from your past relationships? How will they help you from choosing the wrong men in the future? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 174 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress