Déjà Vu Dating: How to Break the Cycle of Choosing the Wrong Man

BY: - 25 Apr '18 | Single

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Are you a victim of déjà vu dating?. If your group chats with your best girlfriends are filled with complaints like–“Why does it always end up the same way?  We’re in love, but he won’t commit. I shut down, then we’re in a limbo state. Before I know it, he’s on Facebook posting pictures with his new boo, and telling the world he’s going to get married. What’s wrong with me?”–then you are trapped in a cycle of either choosing the wrong man, ( or making the wrong choices with the right one).

Déjà vu is the feeling you get when you’re in a new situation but it feels like you’ve already lived through it. Déjà vu dating, then, is that feeling you get when you keep meeting the same man with a different face. You’re stuck in a pattern but you can’t seem to break free. I want to help you breakthrough this frustrating and vicious cycle so you can stop wasting time and choose a lasting relationship.

Breakthrough #1: Finish Your Past Relationships

One reason you keep choosing the same types of men is you have unfinished business from past relationships. Hear me: I know you feel like you’re over it and you may not even talk with your ex anymore, but you’ve got to know that all relationships leave an imprint on your heart and soul. When you don’t clear the emotional impact of the past, you could spend a lifetime unconsciously seeking out new relationships to fix the old wounds.

Stephen B. Poulter, Ph.D. calls this the ex-factor. “The accumulation of lost dreams, broken promises, disillusionment, regret, emotional setbacks, disenchantment with past romantic partners, and unrealistic expectations all make up your ex-factor.” It doesn’t matter if you were with someone for 20 years or 20 days. What matters is the emotional impact the relationship had on your life. To break the cycle of choosing the wrong men, and create a fresh new beginning, you’ve got to bring closure to the past.” 

Breakthrough #2: Connect the Dots 

Maybe all of your heartaches are a result of partners who deceived you. They hid their true selves from you, and you ended up on the short end of the stick because you trusted them. I still want you to connect the dots between your present frustration in dating and your past choices so that you can sharpen your discernment for the future.

Let go of any self-blame or judgment. I don’t want you to be hard on yourself at all. I want you to get curious and ask yourself, “Why did I trust him so easily? What did I miss and how did I explain it away?” The answer will lead you to the root of your Déjà vu dating pattern and you’ll have the clarity to move forward!

Breakthrough #3: Write Down the Lessons You’ve Learned

You didn’t waste your time in the wrong relationships. You gave that time away to someone you trusted, for better or worse. And now it’s time to get clear on the lessons you’ve learned so you can emerge stronger and wiser than ever before. Just be careful that the lessons you claim don’t cause you to harden your heart to love in the future. For example, “I’ll never trust anyone again,” is not a lesson. It’s a vow remain closed to love. You want to stay open! So you may reframe the pain of a broken heart into something like, “I’ve learned to trust myself and my instincts. I won’t second-guess myself again, and If I do, I’ll reach out to people I trust who can help me see if I’m missing any red flags.”

If the new man you’ve just met is making you feel like Déjà vu, then that could be a sign that you haven’t done the work in your heart and mind to clear away the past and make powerful new decisions in love.

Claim your breakthrough! End the cycle of dating the same man with a different name so you can feel free and get the love you want.

BMWK, what lessons have you learned from your past relationships? How will they help you from choosing the wrong men in the future? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 178 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Third Date Syndrome: Was It Your Fault He Disappeared?

BY: - 9 May '18 | Single

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Have you heard of Third Date Syndrome? It’s the confusing and frustrating dating pattern of never getting past the third date with the man you really like. The scenario looks like this:

Date #1: 

After a bit of nervous laughter & awkward silences, the conversation begins to flow. You sit so close to each other that his Versace Black Crystal cologne lingers on your sundress. WHEW!

Date #2: 

He called and asked you out again. You’re excited! You wear your red bottoms and FashionNova jeans because he’s taking you to the local jazz lounge. The butterflies in your stomach make you feel like this could be The One! The warm hug and long kiss at the end of the night confirm it: The CHEMISTRY is off the charts!

Date #3: 

He invites you to a Saturday hike but something’s “off.” He’s polite but not passionate. Is he into me? Did I say something wrong on the phone? Are my Spanx showing? He promises to call you after the date, but after a few a flirty texts, he disappears.

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When a man ghosts you after what seemed to be momentum toward a long-term commitment, It’s easy to fall into the trap of two types of “stinkin’ thinking:”

  1. WHAT’S WRONG WITH MEN??? You may find yourself talking with your girls over brunch saying things like, “men all say they’re serious about relationships, but they’re just playing games! I’m gonna need one of these brothers to go the distance for a change, DOGGONE IT!”
  2. And at the end of a busy week, your mind might race with thoughts that make you feel like screaming, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? ??I just can’t keep a man. It must be true–I’m too much for these men. Or maybe I’m not good enough?!”

The truth is, there are many reasons why a guy might disappear after the third date.

  • Maybe he’s dating more than one woman and he decided to pursue an exclusive relationship with her.
  • Maybe he had a few doubts about moving forward with you and didn’t want to lead you on by asking you out again.
  • Maybe he didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you he just wasn’t that into you.
  • Maybe the timing wasn’t right. He got busy and when you didn’t reach out, he assumed you just weren’t interested anymore.

Sometimes it’s because he was after only one thing, and when he could tell you wanted a serious relationship instead of a casual romp in the sheets, he stepped out. I’ve got a question for you: Did any of those “reasons” make you feel better about why he didn’t call you after the third date?

Probably not.

The only path to peace when you’re struggling with the Third Date Syndrome is to let go of trying to control the outcome in any dating situation. Showing up on a first, second or third date with the expectation that there’s a future makes you scrutinize everything he says or does (and opens the door to anxiety, worry, and self-doubt). It’s just a date. Until you move past initial chemistry and form a true connection, there’s no basis for a relationship. I recommend you keep your options open. Let the men prove to you why you should go on a fourth date with them!

After all, the right man wouldn’t have disappeared after the third date. And that’s all you really need to know.

BMWK, how many dates do you think it takes before you begin a real relationship? Post your thoughts below! 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 178 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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