Top 3 Dating Tips If You’re Single, Childless, and Over 40

BY: - 4 Apr '18 | Single

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If you’re still single, childless, and over 40, the world can make you feel like something is wrong with you. Maybe it’s your physician pressuring you to freeze your eggs at every annual visit “just in case” you don’t meet the right man before your fertility expires. Perhaps you stumbled across gossip headlines like Media Takeout’s post which screamed “R&B Singer ASHANTI Is ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD …STILL NO MAN…And NO KIDS… What’s Wrong With Her????” Either way, it’s highly likely you’ve been battling feelings like doubt, shame, and fear, simply because you’re unmarried and childless.

First things first. There’s nothing wrong with you. Period.

Next, a woman’s fertility is a deeply personal and sensitive topic. It’s no one’s business why you have or haven’t had children, and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone.  As Damona Hoffman made plain in her response to Media Takeout’s attempt to shame single women who are childless, some Black women aren’t married because of a shrinking marriage market.

Others made a personal decision to pursue their careers and thought love and marriage would just take care of itself. Sometimes, you’ve spent the best years of your life with a man who never put a ring on it, and now your window for having children is closing due to no fault of your own.

As an expert who has worked with many women who feel real pressure to hurry up and get married before their fertility clock expires, I’ve seen firsthand how these outside forces created inner pressure within the ladies that made them feel like their dreams were fading fast.

I’ve also coached women who were younger than 40, but had recently been diagnosed with PCOS, endometriosis, fibroids and other medical conditions that could affect their ability to have kids. Doctors gave them little hope. “Go have a baby now” was their only prescription. These sisters needed support with redefining their dreams around marriage and family if they were going to succeed with dating.

If you can relate, I want to share my top 3 coaching tips to help take the pressure off so you can enjoy your dating journey.

Tip #1 – Revise Your Vision Board

The woman you were at 20 is completely different from the woman you were when you first decided your dream was to get married and have a family. It may be time to upgrade your definition of family so that it allows you to explore dating a man with kids, adoption, surrogacy or even mentoring children together with your partner.

Tip #2 – Explore Holistic Health Treatment

If you still desire to give birth to children and you’re unsure of your current fertility, take charge of your health by exploring holistic health practitioners who specialize in womb wellness. I’ve referred clients to natural doctors and teachers who taught them how to properly use diet, anti-stress lifestyle changes and natural medicine to heal their fertility issues. Before you take drastic measures regarding your reproductive health, know all of your options.

Tip #3 – Don’t Waste Time 

Finally, I encourage you to set an intention to not waste time in relationships that can’t give you what you want. For example, a client told me she was falling for a guy who was everything she was looking for in a man except for one crucial thing: he made a vow to never have any more kids. She needed to make a decision. If she was going to pursue the relationship, she’d have to let go of her dream of raising a family of her own.  Any attempts to change his mind would just be a waste of time.

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If you’re single and childless, there’s nothing wrong with you. Your original dream may have to change,but you still have the power to choose how you live your life right now.

BMWK, does your fertility clock influence who you choose to date? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 174 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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You’re All In, Is He? How to Have “the Talk”

BY: - 9 Apr '18 | Single

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Have you ever been with a man for a while (let’s say 6 months) and he was clearly enjoying your company, but he never defined the relationship? You wanted to know– “where is this going?”– but you silenced your voice because you didn’t want to pressure him. You’re not sure how to have “the Talk,” but the question remains, you’re all in, is he?

Or, maybe he told you in the beginning that he could see marriage and a family in his future, but when you did have “The Talk” with him about commitment, he seemed surprised because he thought you were fine with the way things are right now? This has you wondering because you’re all in but is he?

What started out as a promising future ended up in heartache and confusion. Did you miss the signs? Was he lying to you about his intentions? Should you have just waited for him to bring it up?

If you’ve ever been in this situation, and you’re wondering whether he’s all in, I need you to turn off that new Cardi B album and pay attention, because we need to have a conversation about the mistakes you’re making when you have “The Talk” with a man about commitment.

The Talk Mistake #1: Waiting for one big talk to tell him your intentions 

The biggest mistake I’ve personally seen powerful, strong, successful sisters make is waiting for one special moment to bring up your desires for a monogamous relationship. This is a mistake because you can waste precious time and you give him all the power to define the relationship. You also put a lot of pressure on him to give you the right answer (yes, I can see myself marrying you) when he still might not be sure about what the future holds. You want to know if he’s all in not scare him into opting out.

Instead of putting so much pressure on one big talk, you should have several conversations with him about your views on exclusivity, commitment, marriage, children and the lifestyle you’d like to have with your future partner. The goal is to create a safe space for you both to express your worldview on relationships so you can see if you’re aligned with each other.

The Talk Mistake #2: Dropping the “M” word too soon

It’s the first date. Your fertility clock is ticking and you just got back on the dating scene after a heart-wrenching breakup. You were together with your ex for 2 and half years and you thought you were headed to the altar with him. Instead, he flipped the script and decided he just wasn’t ready. You vowed you’d never waste your time again, so you decide to ask on every first date if the man is serious about marriage.

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Girl, telling a man that you want to be married in the next 12 months is the fastest way to scare him off even if he’s marriage-minded and looking for a wife. He doesn’t know much about you yet, so he wouldn’t want to tell you his plans for the future because he doesn’t want you to assume he means he’s going to marry you!

Instead of interviewing men about their intentions with you (he just asked you out for ice cream, how can he know if he wants to give you a ring!), get them to tell you what their purpose for dating is right now, why their last relationship ended, and what their desires are for their future in general.

The Talk Mistake #3: Misinterpreting his answers to your questions

I read a story of a woman who’d been dating a guy for 6 months. After a great dinner at Ruth’s Chris, they went back to his place to watch a movie. She cuddled up with him but noticed his body language seemed a little stiff. Her mind started racing: “He did seem quiet at dinner… he’s been busier at work and hasn’t been calling me as much. Is he changing his mind about us?”

All of a sudden, he looked at her and said: “I need some space.”

She assumed the relationship was over, and was ready to just get up and leave, but something told her to ask him why he wanted to break up when things seemed to be going so well. He frowned, scratched his head, and told her: “I just needed more room on the couch. Could you scoot over?” This woman was about to walk out on a good relationship because she assumed the worst!

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You make similar assumptions whenever you have talked with a man about his relationship intentions but you don’t ask him what he means by what he says. For example, one of my clients huffed that the guy she was dating didn’t want marriage simply because when she asked him about having kids, he told her “I want to have a partner if I ever have children. Parenting is too hard to do alone.” She assumed his use of the word “partner” meant he didn’t believe in marriage, so she stopped seeing him. All she had to do was ask!

Don’t let your fear of wasting time with the wrong men cause you to make these costly mistakes when you have the talk with a man about where you stand in the relationship. Take the pressure off of yourself (and him) so you can have a clear conversation to see if you’re both on the same page.

BMWK ladies, what is your timeline for getting to commitment? How long are you willing to wait? 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 174 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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