Desperate or Determined? 3 Little Known Reasons Why You’re Thirsty For Love

BY: - 14 May '18 | Single

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From the outside looking in, your life looks like an Instagram feed. Your passport has stamps from exotic places like Dubai and The Maldives. Your closet is stacked with designer labels from Gucci to Louis Vuitton. And you have the admiration (and envy) of your family and friends. But if they were able to read your mind, they’d discover your dirty little secret: You are desperate for love!

If you’re at a church conference, you wonder if you’re going to meet your Boaz there. And when you’re texting a man you met online, your mind can’t stop thinking about who else he’s talking too. You are always available when he calls because you’re scared he might not ask you out again if you say no. The pressure to find your man before he’s scooped up feels so overwhelming. Are you desperate or determined?

First, let me clarify something for you. Wanting love and making it a priority does not make you desperate, contrary to popular opinion. In fact, the dictionary definition of the word will put your search for love in perspective:

Desperate (adj): reckless or dangerous because of despair, hopelessness, or urgency.

Reason #1

The first reason why you act thirsty in a relationship is that your sense of hopelessness causes you to feel like nothing good can ever happen to you, so you make dangerous decisions like:

  • Staying in struggle relationships that don’t meet your needs because they’re comfortable and easy
  • Settling for mistreatment because you believe having a half a man is better than not having any man.
  • Suppressing what you really think so you come across as agreeable and likable by men, even if it means becoming a doormat and letting him walk all over you in the relationship.
  • Searching for reassurance that you’re a couple (and it’s only been 3 dates!)

These are just a few symptoms of the problem, but the damage to your dignity and sense of self is costly.

Reason #2

The second reason why you’re desperate in dating is that you have unmet emotional, physical or spiritual needs and you’re misusing relationships to meet those needs (or you don’t know HOW to get those needs met in a healthy way within your relationships).

Dr. John Gray said it this way: “Your biggest problem is your inability to satisfy your need for love and because of it, you end up creating all sorts of other problems.”

In other words, no matter how much you achieve in your life, it doesn’t outweigh your need for love! When we don’t have love, there’s an emptiness that we seek to fill. The problem isn’t the need. The problem is not knowing how to acknowledge what those needs are. For example, we all need to drink water in order to survive. But if you spent the day drinking caramel lattes, energy drinks, and sodas, you may wake up in the middle of the night feeling dry and reach for a glass of water, it’s because you didn’t meet your hydration needs during the day.  I want you to consider that you have some unmet needs that are driving your thirst for love and affection.

Reason #3

The third reason why you feel thirsty for love and affection is your fears are driving your decisions. One of our deepest fears is that we’re unlovable and that fear can drive you to do some pretty wild things. You can overcome this panic that love won’t happen for you by affirming the belief that you don’t find love from another person. You share love with another person. Focusing on the fact that you don’t need validation from anyone else will calm you down and help you make better choices in dating.

Remember, we all long to be seen, heard and loved. Those needs are valid. But when those needs aren’t met in healthy ways, they grow larger and lead you to hurtful and harmful behavior.

BMWK, how can you tell if someone is motivated by love, lust or thirst? Share your thoughts below! 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 178 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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What Are Some Pros and Cons of Dating an Entrepreneur?

BY: - 16 May '18 | Single

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Dr. Buckingham, I have been single for some time because I am very picky when it comes to selecting and dating men. I have done extremely well for myself as an attorney, but I get tired of the long hours and days. Nevertheless, I love the security that I have on my job. Here is my dilemma. I recently met this guy who I like a lot and he appears to be a good fit for me. However, I am concerned because he is an entrepreneur. I have never dated an entrepreneur so I do not know much about the lifestyle. I like the fact that he works for himself, makes a seven-figure salary and controls his schedule. However, I do not like the fact that he is always busy. I like him a lot, but I am not sure about his lifestyle. What Are Some Pros and Cons of Dating an Entrepreneur?

Thanks,

Ms. Attorney

Ask Dr. Buckingham

Dear Ms. Attorney,

I love the fact that you are taking the time to find out if you are compatible with your friend. Some women will hear the title entrepreneur and jump all in. While the title sounds enticing, there are definitely some pros and cons depending on an individual’s perspective.

Generally speaking, entrepreneurs are driven individuals who can at times appear to be self-centered. This is mainly because they spend a lot of time thinking about how they can compete and succeed in the land of entrepreneurship. The entrepreneurial drive can be very attractive, but the grind can be very ugly at times. Also, as an entrepreneur, I have learned that no two entrepreneurs have the same personality or operate exactly the same. Given this, the pros and cons listed below are not all-inclusive nor are they applicable to every entrepreneur.

Here are the pros and cons of dating an entrepreneur.

Pros…

#1 Boss Status – The entrepreneurial lifestyle is very attractive because working for oneself is the American dream. Who does not want to call the shots? As an entrepreneur, your guy friend has the distinct title of “Boss.” Being a boss is a positive in that he gets to establish his own vision and set the tempo for his business. Also, as a boss, he has the honor and privilege of influencing and helping employees, family members, and friends achieve their dreams. You get to date a man who has the ability to control his destiny and influence others’ destiny.

#2 Freedom – He creates his own schedule and workload. Not too many people have the freedom to go where they like when they like. Being an entrepreneur affords him the opportunity to live the lifestyle that most people dream of.

#3 Money – His earning capacity is determined by his creativity and ability to run his business effectively and efficiently. Unlike a conventional job where salaries are capped, entrepreneurs have the capacity to earn substantial profits.

#4 Driven – Most entrepreneurs that I know are go-getters and are always looking for ways to enhance their lifestyle. They typically display energy that keeps others motivated and excited about what they are doing. Based on the fact that he has developed a seven-figure business, I would probably argue that he is a pretty good goal setter and achiever. Both are outstanding qualities to have in a partner.

After reading the pros outlined above you are probably asking yourself, “Why Am I tripping?” Well, you are not tripping. You should be mindful of the cons as well. See, the entrepreneurial lifestyle comes with benefits, but there can be some cons as well.

Cons…

#1 Boss Status – Being the boss means being busy. Your guy friend probably will spend a significant amount of time responding to company-related issues. It is not uncommon for heads of big companies to be tied to their cell phones and email. Sometimes the next big deal is a phone call away and he might not want to spend too much time away from his lines of communication. At times, you might feel like you are sharing him with the world. Unfortunately, you might feel lonely on occasion.

#2 Money – Although entrepreneurs are somewhat in control of their financial destiny, they are also vulnerable to financial losses. Taking a risk to make money is commonplace in entrepreneurship. Poor money management decisions can cause his business to fail. You have to be comfortable with the fact that his financial stability is based on his ability to manage his business effectively and make sound decisions.

#3 Driven – Some driven individuals struggle with relaxing and sleeping because they spend so much time thinking about their next big money-making idea. Their dreams and ambition can prevent them from learning the importance of balancing work and play. Being driven can be good unless it keeps your mind working up all the time and creates a great deal of anxiety. The fear of not succeeding can dominate one’s life.

#4 Stress – I have provided counseling to a lot of entrepreneurs and have learned that running a business is not joyful all the time. Firing and hiring employees, making the final decision and ensuring growth can be stressors.

Dating an entrepreneur can be tricky because the lifestyle has both pros and cons. The best thing that you can do is to develop an interest in his business and take some time to learn about his lifestyle. Try to figure out how you will fit best in his life. Just know that at times you might feel second to his business. In my experience, this is not deal breaker, but a conversation starter. Communicate your needs and work with him to develop a plan on how both of you can enjoy the entrepreneurship lifestyle.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.

About the author

Dwayne Buckingham wrote 216 articles on this blog.

Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham, author of Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship, is a highly acclaimed international clinical psychotherapist, life coach, relationship and resiliency expert, motivational speaker and corporate consultant. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com.

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