How to Rebuild Marital Trust After an Affair

BY: - 10 May '18 | Infidelity

Share this article!

TNMCoupleHugSorryFeature

As a marriage expert, I am asked the question – How do I rebuild my marriage after an affair? To many people, this is a logical question. But it’s the wrong place to start. If you are the victim of infidelity, the pain is all-consuming. Healing is a process and will take longer than you think. To make the healing process work, you want to focus on the decision to rebuild your marriage. In the first part of this article series, we will focus on rebuilding your marriage from the perspective of the injured spouse.

Establish a new start

You know about the affair. However, you haven’t walked out on the marriage or sought revenge in the arms of another. You both have decided to make your marriage work. Your spouse’s cooperation involves total openness and honesty. No more secrets, no lies, and no attempts at deceit. Working together makes establishing a new course for your relationship easier. Being open and honest is necessary for healing and mutual forgiveness.

Communicate. Don’t Condemn

It is important that you communicate all your feelings. It is normal to have intense and chaotic feelings like you have never experienced before. It is not constructive to beat up or condemn your spouse. Doing this makes them feel unsafe to be open and makes you feel out of control. A better way is to set aside 30 minutes and let your spouse know what you plan to share. Set a timer and change the subject to something more pleasant. If this is not working, then a joint session with a coach or therapist is the next step.

Admit your pain

Speak from your heart. Do not attempt to downplay the impact of an affair. It is imperative that you articulate your disappointment and hurt. This may involve screaming, crying, journaling, or even moving out of the bedroom for a while. Men are socialized to hide emotion. If a husband was the injured party, he may choose to clam up. If clamming up or not talking is a response, you may want to talk to a professional counselor. Sharing the depth of your pain with your spouse is critical. You won’t be able to achieve great sex again if one of you are feeling victimized or betrayed.

Focus on you

There is a huge temptation to blame yourself for an affair. You may question your lack of attractiveness or sexiness. This is particularly true of women. It will take great effort to reach inside yourself and find a worthy, sensual woman. If the husband is the injured spouse, he has to refuse blame and not question his sexual prowess. It is not your fault that your spouse was weak and lacked the discipline to resist. Focus on getting rid of those images in your mind of the infidelity. Redirect your focus to your new and better marriage.

Examine your contribution

This may seem to contradict the previous point. But it doesn’t. Look objectively. Take a look at any responsibility you may have had in creating the situation. This is not easy, but important. It is rare when a relationship issue is totally of one partner’s making.

Think about your spouse

Remember that your spouse is in a different emotional place than you. Being in a different place doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t love you. It also doesn’t mean that they are sorry.

In part two of this article series, we will focus on rebuilding your marriage from the perspective of the cheating spouse. Rebuilding your marriage takes two and it’s important to understand the emotional, spiritual, and mental state of the guilty party in order to move forward in your relationship. Tune in tomorrow as we complete this engaging article from a different view.

About the Author: Gail Crowder is a certified marriage and life coach plus best-selling author. She has been on dozens of television and radio shows for her expert advice on lifestyles and relationships. Her company focuses on “Bringing Sexy Back to the Marriage” (BSB) and provides a safe space dedicated to the spiritual and sexual enhancement of marriages for the modern-day wife. Visit Gail online: https://gailcrowder.com/.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1255 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress

One thought on “How to Rebuild Marital Trust After an Affair

  1. Pingback: How Can I Help My Spouse Heal From My Infidelity? | Black News Zone

Leave a Reply

Get
Infidelity Articles Delivered To Your Inbox Daily! Sign up below!

How Can I Help My Spouse Heal From My Infidelity?

BY: - 11 May '18 | Infidelity

Share this article!

TNMCoupleHugPainWhisperComfort_feature

In part one of this two-part article series, How to Rebuild Marital Trust After an Affair, we zoned in on how the injured spouse could begin to heal for themselves and for their marriage. However, this is a two-part series because marriage takes two. In this second half, we will focus on how the cheating spouse can do their part to help their partner heal from their infidelity.

As the unfaithful spouse, you have to be patient in the beginning. The longer the deception/lying persisted, the longer the recovery may take.

Stop all contact with the cheating partner

The sooner you completely stop all contact with the affair partner the better. It is normal to feel a sense of loss. You may miss the good feelings or admiration you had during the infidelity. Don’t expect your spouse to be able to listen to this in the beginning. You may need to talk to someone else about those feelings. At some point, you will talk with your spouse about creating those good feelings in your marriage.

Your Spouse is in a Different Place Right Now

Realize that your spouse has a different perspective on the affair. They have a lot of questions and need answers for their peace of mind. Answer all the questions. ‘I don’t know’ may be the right answer, but don’t use it as a cover for your true feelings. The questions may become too much for you. Then find a third party to help you through the process. You may need clarification and support as well

Spend time examining your actions

Do some introspection and try to figure out why you engaged in this behavior. Infidelity doesn’t mean something is missing in the relationship. You want to do some soul-searching. This will help with healing and with determining the direction of your marriage.

Apologize, Apologize, Apologize

Often and in different ways like with cards, poems, and verbal expressions. One tip is to find out what a genuine apology sounds like to your spouse. Don’t expect that the early apologies to be accepted–but still offer them. Praise your partner for having the courage to work this out with you despite being so wounded.

Expect Emotional Fireworks

Expect emotional fireworks from your partner. He/she is shattered and trying to find a way to cope. Do your best to be patient, kind and NON-DEFENSIVE. Give your partner reassurance. What are their most vulnerable areas? Try to address them like “I have never loved anyone but you.” Or ”You are so much more_______ than he/she ever was or will be.”

Recommit to monogamy

Tell your spouse you want monogamy as a goal in your marriage. Think of ways you can change to show your commitment. Expect this part of the process to be a struggle in the beginning. Expect infrequent flashbacks out of the blue when everything seems wonderful. Remember that each flash of negative times in your marriage can help your marriage grow. Come up with some simple ways to turn that negativity into something positive.

Once you are on the path to a restored marriage, you will need to do the following:

Resist the temptation to compare

Obsessing about who was better in bed – you or your spouse’s lover – is counter-productive. Resist comparing yourself. Focus on how you can make your love life even better. Dwell on the fact you and your spouse have decided to stay together. Remind yourself of what you love about one another.

Redefine to reconnect

You may grieve that your marriage will never be the same. Take the time to redefine your marriage. This involves acceptance of the affair (not approval) as an event of the past. Your marriage has survived a test and now make the journey a happy ending till death do you part.

About the Author: Gail Crowder is a certified marriage and life coach plus best-selling author. She has been on dozens of television and radio shows for her expert advice on lifestyles and relationships. Her company focuses on “Bringing Sexy Back to the Marriage” (BSB) and provides a safe space dedicated to the spiritual and sexual enhancement of marriages for the modern-day wife. Visit Gail online: https://gailcrowder.com/.

About the author

BMWK Staff wrote 1255 articles on this blog.

Content and articles from the staff and guest contributors of BlackandMarriedWithKids.com

Store

like what you're reading?

Start Shopping!

Discussion

Facebook Wordpress