Finally Boo’d Up: Are You Scared of Messing It Up?

BY: - 21 May '18 | Single

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You’re finally boo’d up and you’re singing that new Ella Mai song:

“Feelings, so deep in my feelings
No, this ain’t really like me
Can’t control my anxiety
Feeling, like I’m touching the ceiling
When I’m with you I can’t breathe
Boy, you do something to me.”

This man could be The One! He takes your breath away with his kindness, thoughtfulness and sincerity. This could be the real deal! But instead of enjoying your new relationship, you’re stuck worrying about messing it up. Thoughts like…

What if I’ve given him my whole heart and tell him I love him, he’ll leave.

What if I can’t keep him interested and he hurts me by rejecting me?

What if I become miserable and bored in this relationship?

What if I have to change who I am just to make him happy?

What if, what if, what if….

Stop. Breathe, girl.

While it’s normal to feel anxious thoughts in a new relationship, there’s a difference between wondering if you chose the right partner and being so afraid you’ll lose him that you hold your breath, waiting for the shoe to drop!

Bracing yourself for the worst will rob you of the joy of experiencing one of the best times of your life.

So to help you calm down and get those “what if” thoughts under control right now let me share with you three coaching tips to help you enjoy your new boo instead of worrying the relationship won’t last.

Tell Yourself You’re Excited Instead of Scared

Anxiety and excitement are similar emotions. In fact, it helps to think of them as two cousins who were born on the same day. It’s possible to experience the same physical and emotional response when you’re anxious as when you’re excited. Bubble guts, racing heart, shortness of breath, sweaty palms, are all signs of both anxiety and excitement. According to researchers, they’re both arousal emotions designed to help you take action.

The difference is in whether you take actions that sabotage your new relationships or actions that strengthen your connection all depends on what you tell yourself about what you’re experiencing.

Anxiety = “What if it doesn’t work out?”

Excitement = “What are all the great things I would feel and experience if it DOES work out?”

You have the power to flip the script on the gremlin of anxiety lurking in the back of your mind, simply by focusing on all the good what ifs that could happen as a result of your new partnership.

Take It One Date at a Time

So much of your anxiety is coming in through the doorway marked “The Future.” No one can predict what’s going to happen tomorrow, much less next year, so why worry about it. When you’re daydreaming about your destination wedding to someone who hasn’t even met your crazy Auntie yet, or you’re obsessing over who should say “I love you” first, you rob yourself of the greatest gift of all: the present moment!

Pay more attention to what’s happening right now in your relationship and you’ll settle your nerves (and create a stronger connection with him as a result).

Tell Him You’re Scared and Let Him Take Care of You

Focusing on how you feel and wearing your heart on your sleeve is the pathway to deeper intimacy in a relationship. So why not practice that skill right now and tell him that your feelings for him make you excited and scared at the same time.

It’s a risk, I know, to let him in on your secret thoughts. But this powerful and courageous act of vulnerability will help you break through the tendency to try to be what you think he wants instead of being true to yourself.

This point is powerful because when you spend time and energy trying to prove that you’re good enough to be with him, you can come across as needy or desperate. Plus, you’ll look to him to validate your worth and you’ll obsess and overthink every little thing he does, looking for a sign that he’s changing his mind about you.

You are already good enough and you have nothing to prove (neither does he). So open up and tell him how you feel. You’ll create the opportunity for him to take care of your needs which could bring you closer together.

Give yourself permission to get your hopes up about your new relationship by embracing your excitement, taking one date at a time, and opening up with your new boo about your feelings.

BMWK, tell me the #1 challenge that comes up when you meet someone you’re excited about below!

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 182 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Ghosted? 3 Possible Reasons He Disappeared After a Great Date

BY: - 28 May '18 | Single

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You finally met a good one from that dating app you feel like you’ve been chained to for the last 3 months, and he asked you for a meet and greet. You met up for appetizers and the conversation was mentally stimulating. He seemed to be impressed by you too, which is refreshing considering the fact that men tend to be intimidated by your success. Plus, he was easy on the eyes! This man was great on paper and amazing in real life.

You’re intrigued to know more about him, so when the night was over, you asked him, “let me know if you want to hang out again.” His response was an enthusiastic “Sure!”

That was on Tuesday. Today is Friday. You haven’t gotten a text message from him since your great date. Did he disappear? Why didn’t he call you back?

If you’re tired of having a great first date and then nothing, I want to share 3 possible reasons why he disappeared so you can have peace and move forward with your confidence intact.

1. He was interested in you, but not attracted to you

Have you ever had a great conversation with a guy online, but when you met up, he wasn’t as delicious as you thought he’d be? Well, it can happen for men too. Think back to the date: Was the energy strong? Or did it feel like you were 2 good friends talking? If you had to take the temperature of the date, was it steaming hot, ice cold, or lukewarm?

Remember, you want a man who is excited about you, not just impressed by you.

2. He wanted something casual

Some guys disappear after a great date because they know they only want a casual hookup. Once they meet you, they can tell you want something more substantial. When you think back to the conversation, did he ask you questions about what you wanted in a relationship? Did he say something like, “So…are you the kind of woman who needs to have a label on the relationship before you have sex?” If he was fishing for information on your intentions, then it’s highly likely that he wasn’t going to go the distance with you anyway. He knew that and didn’t want to waste your time.

3. He’s dating other women

If it’s been 3 days since your last date and he hasn’t called you back, he may have a  heavy rotation of other women he’s talking to. I’m not trying to make him out to be a player. I’m giving you insight into the minds of some men who date online. They tend to go for quantity and speed, going out with as many women as they can and then eliminating them based on whatever criteria they have in their minds (and they won’t be upfront about it).


Don’t get offended or feel rejected: Take a page out of their playbook and go out with other guys too. You may meet another man on Saturday who blows Mr. Tuesday Date out the water!

Dating is rarely black and white. A great date doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into a relationship. Take your time and don’t look at the next guy through marriage eyes. Just enjoy your appetizers and drinks, lean back, and see if he pursues you. The right man won’t want you to get away, and will ask you out again before the first date is over!

BMWK, have you ever had a guy disappear after a great date? Tell me your story, and I’ll coach you on what to do about it. 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 182 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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