Third Date Syndrome: Was It Your Fault He Disappeared?

BY: - 9 May '18 | Single

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Have you heard of Third Date Syndrome? It’s the confusing and frustrating dating pattern of never getting past the third date with the man you really like. The scenario looks like this:

Date #1: 

After a bit of nervous laughter & awkward silences, the conversation begins to flow. You sit so close to each other that his Versace Black Crystal cologne lingers on your sundress. WHEW!

Date #2: 

He called and asked you out again. You’re excited! You wear your red bottoms and FashionNova jeans because he’s taking you to the local jazz lounge. The butterflies in your stomach make you feel like this could be The One! The warm hug and long kiss at the end of the night confirm it: The CHEMISTRY is off the charts!

Date #3: 

He invites you to a Saturday hike but something’s “off.” He’s polite but not passionate. Is he into me? Did I say something wrong on the phone? Are my Spanx showing? He promises to call you after the date, but after a few a flirty texts, he disappears.

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When a man ghosts you after what seemed to be momentum toward a long-term commitment, It’s easy to fall into the trap of two types of “stinkin’ thinking:”

  1. WHAT’S WRONG WITH MEN??? You may find yourself talking with your girls over brunch saying things like, “men all say they’re serious about relationships, but they’re just playing games! I’m gonna need one of these brothers to go the distance for a change, DOGGONE IT!”
  2. And at the end of a busy week, your mind might race with thoughts that make you feel like screaming, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? ??I just can’t keep a man. It must be true–I’m too much for these men. Or maybe I’m not good enough?!”

The truth is, there are many reasons why a guy might disappear after the third date.

  • Maybe he’s dating more than one woman and he decided to pursue an exclusive relationship with her.
  • Maybe he had a few doubts about moving forward with you and didn’t want to lead you on by asking you out again.
  • Maybe he didn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you he just wasn’t that into you.
  • Maybe the timing wasn’t right. He got busy and when you didn’t reach out, he assumed you just weren’t interested anymore.

Sometimes it’s because he was after only one thing, and when he could tell you wanted a serious relationship instead of a casual romp in the sheets, he stepped out. I’ve got a question for you: Did any of those “reasons” make you feel better about why he didn’t call you after the third date?

Probably not.

The only path to peace when you’re struggling with the Third Date Syndrome is to let go of trying to control the outcome in any dating situation. Showing up on a first, second or third date with the expectation that there’s a future makes you scrutinize everything he says or does (and opens the door to anxiety, worry, and self-doubt). It’s just a date. Until you move past initial chemistry and form a true connection, there’s no basis for a relationship. I recommend you keep your options open. Let the men prove to you why you should go on a fourth date with them!

After all, the right man wouldn’t have disappeared after the third date. And that’s all you really need to know.

BMWK, how many dates do you think it takes before you begin a real relationship? Post your thoughts below! 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 178 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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Desperate or Determined? 3 Little Known Reasons Why You’re Thirsty For Love

BY: - 14 May '18 | Single

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From the outside looking in, your life looks like an Instagram feed. Your passport has stamps from exotic places like Dubai and The Maldives. Your closet is stacked with designer labels from Gucci to Louis Vuitton. And you have the admiration (and envy) of your family and friends. But if they were able to read your mind, they’d discover your dirty little secret: You are desperate for love!

If you’re at a church conference, you wonder if you’re going to meet your Boaz there. And when you’re texting a man you met online, your mind can’t stop thinking about who else he’s talking too. You are always available when he calls because you’re scared he might not ask you out again if you say no. The pressure to find your man before he’s scooped up feels so overwhelming. Are you desperate or determined?

First, let me clarify something for you. Wanting love and making it a priority does not make you desperate, contrary to popular opinion. In fact, the dictionary definition of the word will put your search for love in perspective:

Desperate (adj): reckless or dangerous because of despair, hopelessness, or urgency.

Reason #1

The first reason why you act thirsty in a relationship is that your sense of hopelessness causes you to feel like nothing good can ever happen to you, so you make dangerous decisions like:

  • Staying in struggle relationships that don’t meet your needs because they’re comfortable and easy
  • Settling for mistreatment because you believe having a half a man is better than not having any man.
  • Suppressing what you really think so you come across as agreeable and likable by men, even if it means becoming a doormat and letting him walk all over you in the relationship.
  • Searching for reassurance that you’re a couple (and it’s only been 3 dates!)

These are just a few symptoms of the problem, but the damage to your dignity and sense of self is costly.

Reason #2

The second reason why you’re desperate in dating is that you have unmet emotional, physical or spiritual needs and you’re misusing relationships to meet those needs (or you don’t know HOW to get those needs met in a healthy way within your relationships).

Dr. John Gray said it this way: “Your biggest problem is your inability to satisfy your need for love and because of it, you end up creating all sorts of other problems.”

In other words, no matter how much you achieve in your life, it doesn’t outweigh your need for love! When we don’t have love, there’s an emptiness that we seek to fill. The problem isn’t the need. The problem is not knowing how to acknowledge what those needs are. For example, we all need to drink water in order to survive. But if you spent the day drinking caramel lattes, energy drinks, and sodas, you may wake up in the middle of the night feeling dry and reach for a glass of water, it’s because you didn’t meet your hydration needs during the day.  I want you to consider that you have some unmet needs that are driving your thirst for love and affection.

Reason #3

The third reason why you feel thirsty for love and affection is your fears are driving your decisions. One of our deepest fears is that we’re unlovable and that fear can drive you to do some pretty wild things. You can overcome this panic that love won’t happen for you by affirming the belief that you don’t find love from another person. You share love with another person. Focusing on the fact that you don’t need validation from anyone else will calm you down and help you make better choices in dating.

Remember, we all long to be seen, heard and loved. Those needs are valid. But when those needs aren’t met in healthy ways, they grow larger and lead you to hurtful and harmful behavior.

BMWK, how can you tell if someone is motivated by love, lust or thirst? Share your thoughts below! 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 178 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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