Ladies: What to Do When He Says “I Don’t Know What I Want” In a Relationship

BY: - 6 Jun '18 | Single

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You just had a really nice date, and he tells you he’s interested in seeing you again. But when you ask him what he’s looking for in a relationship he says, “I don’t know what I want.” What does he mean?

Or, you’re 3 months into dating a handsome, successful brotha who has been kind and consistent with you, but he hasn’t brought up the commitment talk yet. When you ask him where things are headed, he says, “I don’t know what I want,” leaving you to interpret what in the world that means.

When a man gives you such a vague answer to a very specific question about his desires for a relationship, it can leave you swimming in doubt, insecurity, and fear. Does he just want a hookup? Has he been playing me this whole time? Do I just give him some time to figure it all out? Is he trying to break up with me?!

If this a familiar dating situation you find yourself in, I’m going to clear things up for you. If a man says he doesn’t know what he wants, but he still wants to spend time with you, know that you’re starting a relationship on shaky ground. You’re essentially playing “guess what’s in my head” with this guy, spending too much time trying to read between the lines of his actions. Solid relationships should make you feel secure about where you stand with your man. So let me give you 3 possible interpretations of “I don’t know what I want,” so you can know your next move.

Definition #1: “I don’t know WHO I want.”

If a man has been dating you for several months and from the outside looking in, makes you feel like he’s committed to you, but doesn’t ever actually commit to you, you need to assume he’s seeing other people. In this case, it’s not that he doesn’t know what he wants. It’s that he doesn’t know WHO he wants. If you want to be a priority and not just an option to a man you’re dating, then you need to make a decision about whether you’ll keep dating him.

Definition #2: “I don’t like being alone but I also don’t want to commit to the work of a relationship.”

If you’re in the early stages of dating and he tells you he’s unsure of why he’s dating in the first place, this man could just want companionship without having to commit. Maybe he’s recently divorced and misses the comforts of relationships, but he’s still figuring out his new life as a bachelor. If he’s not quite sure of what he wants out of dating, don’t get emotionally attached to him so quickly. Wait until his relationship goals are aligned with yours.

Definition #3: I don’t want to tell you the truth and hurt your feelings 

Sometimes a man just doesn’t want to tell you the truth because he doesn’t want to be responsible for your hurt feelings. Hey may feel pressured to tell you what he thinks you want to hear, and if he says anything other than, “I”m looking for commitment,” you’ll feel some kind of way (and you won’t want to be with him anymore). The fact is you want a partner who values honesty and kindness, and if this man you’re seeing isn’t able to tell you what he’s really thinking now, he may not be able to in the future.

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In all of these scenarios, the best thing you can do to protect yourself from wasting your time and breaking your heart is to give him space. This may mean continuing to see him in the early stages of dating but don’t let yourself become emotionally attached. Keep dating other people so that you’re not blindsided if he never becomes ready for something serious. If you’ve been dating a man for a while and he’s still not sure of what he wants, don’t give him an ultimatum. Give yourself the gift of commitment by telling him you’re going to look for someone who does know he’s ready for love.

BMWK, how do you respond when your date says, “I don’t know what I want?” Tell me in the comments below!

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 182 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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5 Signs You’re Moving Too Fast in Your Relationship and How to Pump the Breaks

BY: - 13 Jun '18 | Single

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It’s been 3 intense weeks together with this man you’re dating and you can see yourself marrying him. You’ve spent every waking moment talking, texting and going on romantic dates. Everything just feels right. But when you come up for air, your logical mind kicks in and you question your feelings. Are you moving too fast?

You may have heard stories of couples who met on Friday and got married on Sunday and they’re still together 20 years later. My own love story happened quickly: 11 months after I met my husband, we got married. But there are times when a relationship moves too fast because you’re getting caught up in the feelings of falling in love and you’re not taking the time to build a solid foundation to make it last.

Check out these 5 signs that you need to pump the breaks and slow your new relationship down a bit.

Sign #1: He tells you “I’ve never felt this way before.”

I dated a guy who declared his love for me and claimed that I was his wife within the first week of us dating. He told me “I’ve never felt this way before!” and at first, I thought he was just opening his heart and being vulnerable with me. After enduring an emotional roller coaster with this man filled with cheating, lying, and heartbreak, it became apparent that he was emotionally unstable and not ready for the realities of a relationship. To this man, “I’ve never felt this way” was a sign that he was addicted to the good times in a relationship, but unable to deal with the inevitable challenges that come with love.

If you’re the one falling head over heels for him, I want you to pay attention to the emotional triggers that allow you to fall hard and fast for a man. Some common ones include loneliness and chronic stress. When you’re always working and feeling burnt-out and bored with your life, the thrill of falling in love can make you feel alive again! Pay attention to these triggers so that you’re not caught up because you’re dissatisfied with your life.

Sign #2: You kiss more than you talk

Kissing is an amazing way to fall in love. But you need strong communication skills to make your love last. If your budding romance is mainly focused on getting physical, you need to pump the breaks and spend more time talking to each other.

Sign #3: You haven’t spent time with him doing everyday things

You need to know your man in good and bad times. If you’re only spending time together going on dates, it’s easy to only know his charming side. But what is he like when he’s angry? Tired? Sad? Busy? You need to hang out with him while doing ordinary things like going to the grocery store or getting stuck in traffic. The goal is to do life with a partner, so you need to see more of his lifestyle before you settle in with him.

Sign #4: You feel pressured to go with the flow

If you’re feeling pressured to tell him “I love you”  just because he said it, then that’s a big sign you’re moving too fast. Whether the pressure is coming from him or within your own heart, an obligation is never a good reason to start a relationship. You also need to make sure your patterns of people pleasing aren’t causing you to deny any negative feelings you’re having about the relationship because you’re afraid of losing him. You have the right to set the pace of a relationship and tell your man you want to slow things down.

Sign #5: You’re explaining away red flags and negotiating on your deal breakers

If you’ve done the work of distinguishing deal breakers from regular dislikes, then you need to stop second-guessing yourself about the red flags you see. Character flaws like manipulation, anger, distrust, control, blame, emotional unavailability, and irresponsibility. When you’re in your right mind, you would never enter into a relationship with someone with these problems. But your desire for a relationship can blind you to serious issues that always lead to breakdowns and breakups.  If you notice you’re creating excuses for bad behavior, you’re moving too fast!

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Recognize any of these signs in your new relationship? Then it’s time to pump the breaks! Set the pace of the relationship by telling your partner you’re just not ready to talk about marriage yet because you want to make sure your future relationship can stand the test of time and that takes time to build. You can also slow things down by taking a little time away from him. Instead of seeing each other every day next week, set a date for the weekend. If he gets angry because you’re setting boundaries around your time, that may be a sign there are some deeper issues you need to pay attention to before you get to involved.

Don’t lose yourself just because you’ve found someone. If it’s meant to be, slowing the pace of the relationship doesn’t mean you have to end it. Take all the time you need to make a wise decision about who will be your life partner.

BMWK, how do you slow down your feelings for someone when things are moving too fast? Share your thoughts below! 

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 182 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

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