Have you heard the saying that boys tend to marry someone like their moms and girls look for men like their father’s? In a way it’s true, we may subconsciously look for someone who shares some of the same qualities as our parents.
You may have married someone who has qualities like your parent, but if they do not, please don’t compare them to your parent. It is dangerous to tell your spouse that your parent is someone they should aspire to be like, so be careful and read these three reasons you shouldn’t compare your spouse to your parent.
You alienate your spouse
No one wants to be compared to his/her in-law. It’s not fair to your spouse or to your parent. Doing so can make your spouse feel as if he /she is not good enough for you.
Please avoid phrases like “My mom/dad does things this way” or “My mom/dad would never do what you did.” If you keep on with that behavior you may find yourself without a spouse.
You delude yourself.
You may believe your behavior may compel your spouse to be more like your parent. Not so. They may like some of the qualities in their in-law, but it doesn’t mean they want to be them. Think about if the tables were turned and your spouse compared you to your in-law.
You put your parent in a bad position with your spouse.
Constant comparisons will make your spouse feel inadequate and he/she can develop feelings of resentment towards your parent. Your spouse may distance him/herself from family get-togethers or avoid your family all together. That can draw a wedge between you, your spouse and your respective families.
Consider why you compare your spouse with your parent. Do you feel insecure in some way that makes you think if your spouse was more like your parent you would feel more secure? When you exchanged vows, you became one with your spouse and you are no longer your parent’s responsibility.
As a couple, work on the issues your marriage faces and if you need assistance, seek counseling and not a comparison. Always singing your parent’s praises and pointing out your spouse’s shortcomings is dangerous, wrong, and immature and the behavior needs to stop.
If the behavior continues, you may alienate your spouse, keep deluding yourself and/or put your parent in a bad position with your spouse.
BMWK family, do you find yourself comparing your spouse to your parent? Are you the one who is being compared? How did you address the issue with your spouse?