Lamar and I felt honored when Dr. Sherry L Blake (aka Dr. Sherry from the show Braxton Family Values and renowned Psychologist and author) agreed to be in our latest film Still Standing. You can imagine that I was disappointed when I learned that I had a conflict on the day we were scheduled to shoot Dr. Sherry.
During the shoot, she told Lamar that she was looking forward to meeting me. And she sent me a signed copy of her latest book, The Single Married Woman- The Story of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages. Wow – thanks Dr. Sherry…but I am not a Single Married Woman (SMW)…am I? I had to read this book to find out what this SMW concept was all about.
In the book, Dr. Sherry defines SMW as:
“The concept of the Single Married Woman is not limited to women who are legally married. It also applies to any individual in a committed, long-term relationship, regardless of gender, who shoulders most of the emotional and tangible responsibilities of the relationship. Single Married Women come from all walks of life. Some reside in fabulous gated estates, while others live in low-income housing. They are black, white, red, or yellow; married or in long-term relationships; straight or gay. They may all be born into different situations and circumstances, but they all desire one thing: A WAY OUT!”
But the way out does not have to always mean divorce or leaving the relationship. The way out could also mean changing your circumstances. And regardless of what your circumstances are, and whether or not your mate will be on board with the change, YOU have the power to change your situation.
In the book, Dr. Sherry gives very powerful advice to SMW using examples from women that have gone through a variety of situations from physical and emotional abuse to infidelity. She says that SMW often suffer in silence and as a result, they are being impacted emotionally (depression, anger) and physically (weight gain.)
Dr. Sherry says if SMW want to change their lives, then they need to: change their way of thinking, take responsibility for their role in the current situation, make measurable goals that are attainable, and just get started! You don’t have to make all of your changes all at once…but take it one step at a time.
And while SMW can’t be blamed for the actions of others, they do have power over their own lives. It is up to the SWM to change their reality. The question is…are they willing to put in the work that will be required to make changes?
You just might have to suffer through some things in order to get to a lifestyle that you deserve to have.
Gulp!….After reading the book, I realized that I have been a SMW several times in my life. I have been in relationships where all of the financial, physical and even emotional responsibilities all fell on me. I was miserable and I deserved better. But things did not get better for me when I was trying to change the person that I was with (although I tried tirelessly.) Things got better by when I started making changes for myself.
No, I didn’t leave right away. I didn’t have the strength to do that at first. As doctor Sherry stated, I took it one step at a time. 1. I stopped focusing on trying to force my mate to do things. 2. I started doing things for myself: like exercising. 3. I worked on my relationship with God. and 4. I went to counseling by myself.
Yep, even though he did not want to go…I went anyway. And then one day, I came to the realization that I loved myself more…and I deserved more. And when that happened, I sold and packed up my house and got out of dodge so fast someone’s head was spinning. In this case for me , a way out literally meant OUT!
I asked my good friend Yanni Brown ( author, blogger, and relationship educator from Making Love TwoGether) what advice would you give a person that really needs to Get Out literally…but they are not quite ready to take that step yet mentally? How can that person find their way out? Yanni says:
The only way to literally “Get Out” is to GET OUT on FAITH. Knowing that there is a much better plan for your life and that you have to trust and know that if God brought you to a situation he will bring you through a situation. In order to reach our full potential we are tested, stretched, pulled, placed in painful situations designed to become opportunities to share our testimonies. It is in our tests that we truly see who we are, who’s we are and who we are meant to become.
But as Dr. Sherry says, a way out does not necessarily mean that you have to leave your relationship…it just means taking charge of your own life and being responsible for your own happiness. And you can do that without leaving your relationship.
I will be the first to admit that I now have a great husband and marriage. And yes, there have been times in my marriage where I have felt like a Single Married Woman, especially when we were first married. I was overwhelmed and felt like I was doing too much. I started to get angry and resentful about it. And trying to get my husband to understand how I was feeling was consuming my life. It was only after I stopped focusing on him and started looking in the mirror did things get better for me. Did my husband make some changes too…yes he did. But I had to first start with me.
I asked my friend Akilah Richards ( co-founder of The Life Design Agency) what would you say to a person that may be in a good relationship..but needs to find the power to change their current circumstances? Akilah said:
“The way “out” usually has its genesis in “the way in”. In other words, reconnecting with your own needs””what makes you smile, what makes you mad, and all the things in between. Lack of awareness of your own needs is often a triggers for lack of sustainable emotional wellness in a relationship.
Start by taking 2-3 days to observe your emotional patterns, and using these questions to guide you: Do you experience anxiety, sadness, frustration, etc. at particular times during the day? If so, which of those emotions coincide with interactions with your partner? What are the top 2-3 things that frustrate you most about your relationship?
Once you’ve seen evidence of your own emotional patterns, you can make time to talk with your partner about what you need, and what you’re willing to do feel better within yourself, AND to help them design new ways to communicate what they need as well. With time and focus, you can co-create an environment of real joy for both parties.”
And there you have it….3 sure fire ways to find a “Way Out” – 1. check out Dr. Sherry’s book, 2. take Yanni’s advice and get out on Faith, and 3. as Akilah states, start with the “Way in” by reconnecting with your own emotional needs.
BMWK Family – Have you ever had to find a “way out” ? What did you do? Do you have any additional advice on how to find your way out?