My wife and I got married 11 months after meeting for the first time face to face. Within those 11 months it included the joy of getting to know one another, experiencing the new emotions of love and romance, and the thrill of planning our life together. I can’t recall ever having a disagreement or argument during our courting and engagement stage.
But, once we got married, it got real, real quick! After our first disagreement that blew up bigger than it should have, we recognized that we needed to set some ground rules for when one of us is about to lose our cool. Disagreements are a healthy part of marriage for one reason, and that is to learn how to work and grow together. Here are 3 ways to fight fair in marriage:
- No Low Blows:The beauty of marriage is overtime you will know and learn everything about your spouse. The good, the bad, and the ugly. There will be many instances that you see things in your spouse that you do not like or that triggers you in the wrong way. You will also learn your spouse’s insecurities. Because you love them, you do your best to stay away from those core insecurities, but during a disagreement it’s easy to pull them out in order to hurt your spouse. This is a low blow. My wife and I made an agreement that we will not low blow one another with negative words that we know will hurt each other in order to make the other hurt more than you already are. That is not okay. Low blows tear one another down, and that is not the heart of God for why he brought you two together.
- No Yelling: Dependent upon the home environment you and your spouse grew up in will determine how you feel its best for you to be heard when you get upset or angry. Some shut down while others scream and holler. I guarantee you that yelling is only beneficial in one situation and that is when the house is on fire. Other than that raising your voice will not help the situation. The opposite is true as well, shutting down and not saying anything can be just as detrimental as yelling. Make an agreement that when you are upset, to collect yourself to communicate soberly. If you or your spouse have this issue of raising your voice at one another then humble yourself and ask your spouse to remind you that yelling is not necessary.
- No Silence Treatment: My Pastor during our pre-marital counseling asked us to describe an average argument between our parents while growing up. We both learned that our parents would have an disagreement then be silent to one another until someone said, “I’m sorry”. We knew going into our marriage that we had to be ready to take that challenge head on not to follow in the footsteps of our parents. This required us being humble and admitting our wrongs upfront versus being prideful and waiting for the other person. The silence treatment is no fun, and it truly takes time away from where you should be focusing the most, on one another! Pride is the root of this issue, and its one of the most prevalent in marriages. Humbling yourself even when you have been wronged is the best way to face this issue head on. If you hurt your spouse then saying I’m sorry may hurt your pride, but it will help your marriage!
BMWK: Do you fight fair? What are your techniques?