3. Making women the primary audience for men’s advice
I consider myself extremely fortunate to have men in my life who I can go to for advice and who will speak to me honestly about what it means to be a man and husband. The great thing about each of these men is that they focus most of their time and energy talking to me about my actions and behavior, not my wife’s. This fact alone separates them from most of the men in the relationship advice game. It seems as if men, and some women, have created a niche market by directing relationship advice primarily to women.
To be clear, I do believe there is great value in men, whether through personal relationships or other resources, taking the time to provide women a window into how men think. The problem, however, is that there is a lack of balance when it comes to resources directed at me, from men, on how to improve our relationships, communicate with women, etc. One of the reasons I’ve heard given for this is that men don’t read relationship books. That might very well be the case, but there are other forums where men commune with one another. There’s nothing keeping concerned men from dropping knowledge in the barbershop, at the job, at happy hour, or anywhere else where men talk about relationships.
4. Not recognizing their blind spots.
Not recognizing “blind spots”, loosely defined as anything that impairs a person’s ability to judge a situation clearly, is a common occurrence for both men and women who give relationship advice. Common blind spots include our own life experiences, biases, stereotypes, emotions, and fears. For many male relationship experts, this tends to manifest itself in the form of speaking almost exclusively from personal experience. For example, I once heard Steve Harvey say that it was next to impossible for men and women to be platonic friends. That might be true of his own life experiences but there are a great many people who would disagree. The same principle applies to other areas of relationships advice as well. Speaking strictly from our experiences—the very ones that we ourselves contribute to—produces advice that inherently lacks the type of objectivity that is needed to tackle complex, personal relationship issues.
I’m actually glad that more men, including the ones on this site, are having their voices heard on the issue of relationships. I believe that for too long men have been treated as passive actors in their relationships—present but devoid of any real agency. That’s why men who do enter this arena should be mindful of both their message and target audience.
I always enjoy the articles on BMWK from the male writers because they challenge me to be a better man and husband. While there’s value in letting women in on the intricacies of the male mind, there are many guys who would also benefit from relationship advice because their conceptions of manhood have been distorted by poor models from personal experience, friends and family, and media and pop culture. Men should be mature enough to handle straight talk on the things we do that contribute to our singleness, broken relationships, and inability to find Mrs. Right. One day the experts will realize we need help too, because it doesn’t make sense to look for a great a woman if you don’t have the ability, or desire, to be a great man.
BMWK, what is the worst relationship advice you’ve gotten on men? What is the best?
Thank you Mr Squires. Real, mature, men holding males accountable for producing manly thoughts that lead to manly behavior. That’s the way forward. I love it!
Thanks!
Please go tell it on the mountain! If we are going to be able to talk to one another like grown-ups, the conversation cannot continue to be “ladies this is what y’all need to do” in the same way that it has been. The responsibility for having fulfilling relationships lies on both shoulders and unfortunately the current experts’ advice does not reflect that.
Agreed! Everybody has a role to play, and men need relationship tools just as much as women do.
Yo D,
As usual – excellent piece!
‘Preciate that bro.
Excellent article!!! Steve Harvey needs to read this and take notes because he sounds so hypocritical to me trying to give love advice when he had an affair with his current wife.
And he’s on his third marriage! I hope he is making sure that HE is not the problem.
#5 Offering advice in the first place.
I love this! I am definitely living proof of one who has been successful in having platonic relationships with women. Not having sexual relations or thoughts and seeing them as person and not objects of sexual obsession. I truly believe it is from the upbringing of my parents, especially my father, on how to treat women in general. He started early by sharing with me that all women are to be treated like princesses and mama is the queen. It has been one of the most troubling issue I’ve dealt with in relationships; simply believing my females friend has simply and only ever been just that, a friend. EXCELLENT article! Love y’all much!
Thanks! You’re fortunate to have gotten a good example from your father.
Great points! The last is one anyone giving advice needs to be aware of – our blind spots can result in us hurting others.
On #1, you are dead right, men do have emotional needs, and if they do not get those met they will never feel right. However, most men can not see much less deal with their emotional needs if their physical needs are being deeply neglected. You cannot get a man to find his emotional side by cutting him off physically, and I’ve seen that suggested more than once.
Interesting point. I agree that neglecting a man’s physical needs can have a negative impact on his emotional well-being. I believe the two should go hand in hand.
Good Information Delano.
Beside BMWK, there is another blog/website that I frequent for direct “male to male” advice that speaks to your 3rd point. Try http://www.allswagga.com, it has blessed me with wisdom that has expedited growth in several areas of my life.
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